A Clock in my Head
by Dr.Indigo
Summary: Sequel to 1-Up Girl. While taking her young nieces to her favorite restaurant, Harvard Professor Janna Ordonia regales them with the story of an impromptu camping trip she once took with her beloved father figure Jefferson Speedwagon, and how she unintentionally triggered a chain of events that led to the fall of the Butterfly Kingdom. Warning: this one gets intense later on.
1. Prologue

Hello everyone and welcome to Part 5. Aka: Janna's time to shine. I know some of you have been looking forward to this one. Anyway, before we get started, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Yadda. Yadda. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Prologue.

( _Cambridge, Massachusetts: July 24, 2046_ )

Enzo's Trattoria & Pizza Palazzo.

The oldest running Italian restaurant in all of Cambridge.

Established in 1927 by an ambitious young immigrant named Enzo Barone, this fine eatery has been one of the city's proudest institutions for almost 120 years. While relatively unknown to tourists, it is a popular hangout amongst the resident intellectual elite; both for its relative seclusion and first-rate service. Admittedly, the food wasn't that great; above average at best. But still, it was good enough if you were just looking to fill your stomach.

And although this tiny little hole in the wall would never make it into the history books, it would, on this day, play an important role in the lives of two young girls. For the next few hours it would serve as an amphitheater for a tale that would rock them to their very cores and alter their perceptions on a great number of things.

Not bad for a Tuesday afternoon.

Anyway, it was around a quarter to one when the front doors of Enzo's let out their usual _Jingle Jangle_ ; alerting the staff to the arrival of a new customer.

As per usual, Rodney was the first man on the scene.

"Good afternoon, and welcome to Enzo's." the blonde youth said with practiced enthusiasm. "Our special today is Veal Milanese and… Oh, Professor Ordonia, so good to see you again. It's been awhile."

"Yeah, well, I've been busy." The plump professor replied, half sarcastically. "So… eh… Rodney, how's your old man?"

"Much better, but I tell you, he had us all worried there for a while." Rodney went on, before noticing the two girls standing behind his 'favorite' customer. "Oh, and who are these two little ladies?"

"These are my nieces, Artemis and Marisol. Girls, this is Rodney. He was a student of mine a couple semesters ago."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Rodney."

"Yeah… ditto."

" _Heh. Heh_. Cute kids. But Professor, I didn't know you had any family."

"There's lots of things you don't know, Rodney. That's why you failed my class. Remember?"

" _Heh_. Touché. So, your regular table then?"

"Like you gotta ask."

"Alrighty then. This way, ladies."

And with that, the trio were led through the mostly empty establishment.

Because of its relative obscurity, Enzo's was almost never crowded. Which is precisely why the wily old professor had chosen it as her venue. If she was going to tell her nieces _this_ story she wanted to minimize the chance of eavesdroppers. Plus you know, it never hurts to be somewhere where there's food.

"So, Professor, been awhile since we've seen you around these parts." Said Rodney, shaking the old Filipina out of her thoughts. "Word on the street is you've been frequenting Machiavelli's Diner over on Memorial Drive."

"Yes, well, that was just a passing fancy." She replied bluntly. "It seemed like a good fit at first, but after an objective observation I found the service perfunctory, the décor severely lacking, and the cuisine only marginally preferable to hunger."

"Not comping your meals anymore?"

"Not since Mrs. Machiavelli came back into the picture."

"Oh well, better luck next time, eh Professor."

"Just shut up and take us to my booth."

And without a second's hesitation, he did precisely that.

Within moments, the trio were seated at a rather spacious booth on the far side of the restaurant; not exactly isolated, but just out of the way enough that no one could eavesdrop on a conversation without being noticed.

"So, do you ladies need a minute to go over the menu?" the young waiter asked professionally.

"No, no, I got this. Uh… Let's see… Start us off with some antipasto and… some of those stuffed peppers I like. Then an order of Spaghetti alla Puttanesca and some of that Veal Milanese too, that sounded really good. One large Neptune's Delight and… some tiramisu for dessert."

"Very good, and what will the children be having?"

" _Ah-Ha-_ _ **HA**_! **_So_** _sidesplittingly_ **_funny_**!" the plump professor replied in a tone that was both sarcastic and abrasive. "Just bring me my food, you stupid f*****!"

And on that _pleasant_ note, Rodney quickly scurried off to the kitchen, but not before Janna added,

"And you're not getting a tip!"

After that, the atmosphere shifted to an awkward and uneasy silence.

Neither the girls nor the old professor knew what to say next.

Fortunately, after what felt like an eternity of unpleasantness, Janna finally managed to find the right words.

"It's a pizza." She said, almost stupidly. "The Neptune's Delight, I mean. It's bacon and clams with the house's signature garlic sauce. It sounds weird, I know, but trust me, you'll love it. It's to die for."

"I'm sure it's… uh… positively scrumptious, Aunt Janna." Marisol replied with her usual diplomatic air. "So, eh… what classes are you teaching right now?"

"Right now I'm on sabbatical, but in the Fall I'll be holding my class on Lovecraft."

"Love Craft?" went Artemis confusedly. "Jeez, I didn't take you for the romantic type."

"It's not a genre, smartass. It's a surname. Howard Philips Lovecraft. One of the most significant horror and weird fiction authors of the 20th Century. His short stories have been influencing other writers, directors, and even game designers for generations. Without him, the modern horror genre as we know it would not exist."

"Sounds like you're quite passionate about him." Marisol observed.

"You're damn right I am. This man saw the world in a way no one else could. It was like his brain was a reservoir of dark forbidden knowledge and the only way to keep his head from exploding was to put it all down on paper. Sure, some small minded peons might criticize him for being a White Supremacist, but this man took a lifetime of pain and loss and channeled it into something new and different. Show me a PCist who can do that and I'll gladly turn in my resignation."

" _Heh_. Forget passionate. She sounds more like a groupie to me." Artemis chimed in, much to her sister's ire.

"Look, I'm not trying to justify his racism or anything. I'm just saying that he was a complicated person. His life was just one adversity after another and yet somehow, instead of breaking him, all that pain and misery just made him stronger… and wiser… and kinder. And he shared that kindness with others. And not just with his friends, but with his enemies too. So what if he didn't trust Hispanics? It's not like they'd ever given him any reason to. And besides, even with all his personality flaws he was still a far better man than you'll ever be, you demon loving **_bastard_**!"

By the end of her rant, Janna was almost completely out of breath. And judging from the look on her face it was clear she'd said more than she meant to.

"We're… not talking about Lovecraft anymore, are we." Artemis observed, doing her level best not to set her host off again.

"I… I'm sorry, girls. I just… I don't know where that came from." The old professor replied, apparently shaken by her own outburst.

"No, it's… it's quite alright, Aunt Janna. We understand." Said Marisol, ever the sensitive diplomatic type. "We know how much Mr. Jefferson meant to you. He was like a father to you, after all."

"Yeah… like a father." She replied somberly, but with something else in her voice that the young princess couldn't place. "I guess I'm still a little raw about the whole thing. I mean, we'd just talked on the phone the night before. He sounded fine. He and mom were gonna fly out here in the summer. I was gonna… _show him my office_."

Janna paused for a moment to wipe a tear from her eye.

"Oh _God_ … Why can't I keep it together?"

"It's okay, Aunt Janna. These things take time." Marisol spoke up again, still doing her best to be sympathetic. "It's only been a few months. And with your love life as turbulent as it is, your emotions must already be frayed to- ** _OW_**!"

In a rare twist on a familiar theme, Artemis delivered a swift blow to her sister's shoulder.

"What was that for?" she asked angrily.

However, one look at their host's face told her everything she needed to know.

"Oh… oops."

"What did you just say?" the older Filipina asked as her left eye twitched with rage.

"N-N-Now, Aunt Janna. There's no need to get upset. I only meant that… well, since you've been through so many… uh… less than ideal relationships, you might be…"

"And who told you **_that_**? It was that carpet-licking bush-head wasn't it?"

"Uh… well…"

"Well let **_me_** tell you something, princess. Whatever that homewrecking bitch told you is a barefaced lie. I never broke up with anybody over a stupid dessert. I once broke up with a senator because he was way too into S&M. I broke up with a research scientist because he called me by a demeaning pet name in front of my class. I even broke up with a famous novelist because he didn't keep his bathroom clean enough. But I never broke up with **_anybody_** over dessert. So don't go around telling people I'm so pathetic that I pick food over companionship. Especially if you're getting your intel from that lying tramp Kelly. Understand?"

"I… I-I just meant…"

" ** _Understand_**?"

"Yes, Yes, we understand. And we're very sorry." Artemis said in an attempt to soothe her clearly wounded guardian. "Look, we're not here to judge or to dredge up any weird personal biz. We're just here…"

"To hear my part of the story." The old professor finished, suddenly sounding a bit less irrational. "Yeah, Annie told me you two were on to your mom's little ruse. _Sigh_. Okay, I'll tell you my part. But I warn you, from here on out things get intense. Are you sure you two can handle it?"

"Well, we've come this far. It wouldn't make sense to stop now." Said Marisol.

"What she said." Added Artemis.

" _Sigh_. Okay… you asked for it." Janna said, before adjusting herself to get more comfortable. "It all started about two weeks after Annie kicked the crap out of Ringo the Second. Summer Vacation was only a few weeks away, which meant that Final Exams were closing in. And as I'm sure you can guess, none of us were too thrilled about that. Anyway, it was Monday and Marco, Jackie, your mom, and I were sitting in Skullnick's class, just waiting for the bell to ring."

End Notes:

Well, that was the prologue. Next comes the real meat of the story.

See you then.

Peace.


	2. Chapter 1

Today, a great man died. Stan Lee, you were too good for this world. Farewell, Oh great one. With that said, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 1.

( _Echo Creek, California: Present Day_ )

Time seemed to have slowed to a crawl for the class of Ms. Margaret Skullnick. Which was understandable, given that it was the last class of the day with only a minute left before the bell rang.

The students were all but comatose as the hefty troll-woman rambled on about theorems and equations that the majority of them would never use in their real lives. However, out of all of them, Janna was by far the least interested in what her teacher had to say. Not so much because she didn't care, but more because she was anxious to get down to the park and begin her Stand training for the day. They had all pretty much mastered Overlaying and Jefferson had promised them something extra special for that afternoon.

Needless to say, the young Filipina was eager to get started.

If only the bell would ring.

 ** _BRRRRRRRRING~_**

As if responding to her mental commands, the school's electronic sound system let out its blaring call; signifying the end of another long day.

All at once, the life returned to the zombified high schoolers as they started to gather their belongings. Unfortunately, before any of them could stand up, Ms. Skullnick shot everyone a piercing glare.

"Hold it!" she said sternly, freezing everyone in their tracks. "I don't recall dismissing anyone."

With great reluctance, but no resistance, the students all sat back down in their desks and waited for her to continue.

"That's better." The troll-woman said with a sort of gruff satisfaction. "Now then, before I let you all return to your unexamined lives of tweets and unboxing videos, I just want to remind everyone that exams are less than five weeks away. So hit those books and study, study, study."

Naturally, a few disgruntled murmurs arose from the crowd, but Skullnick seemed to have anticipated them.

"Oh, I know what you're all thinking. 'Why doesn't she just let us go? Five weeks is practically a lifetime. I've got plenty of time to goof around before I need to study.' Well, think again. Because time has a funny way of slipping through your fingers. And if you're not careful, you could wake up one morning and realize you've only got a few hours left to prepare. So take my advice and don't screw around."

No murmurs this time, but a few people rolled their eyes.

"Or do. I honestly don't care. Whatever happens to you once you leave this classroom is none of my business. For those of you who choose to heed my advice, I wish you the best of luck with your studies. As for the rest of you, I recommend you use your free time this summer learning a trade. Okay, now you're dismissed."

And with that, the students all resumed their standard exiting procedures.

Within moments, Janna had gathered all of her things and was making her way for the door. As always, Jackie, her oldest and dearest friend, was waiting for her in the hall. She was about to call out to her when a familiar voiced cut in.

"Just a minute, Ms. Ordonia." Said Ms. Skullnick in a stern but relaxed tone. "I'd like to have a word with you. In private."

Janna looked over at the troll-woman, and then back at Jackie, who gave her a sign that she'd meet her out front. So, with that settled, the young Filipina walked to her teacher's desk to see what she wanted.

"Uh… yes, Ms. Skullnick."

"Pull up a desk, dear. This could take a while."

Oh… that did not sound good.

After a quick _Gulp_ Janna did as she was told and took a seat right in front of her teacher's desk.

At first, the older woman said nothing; which only compounded her anxieties.

"Um… Ms. Skullnick." She said nervously. "If this is about last week's test, I can explain…"

"Relax, dear. You're not in trouble." The troll-woman said casually. "I just want to talk."

"Oh… uh… okay. Sure." Janna replied confusedly. "What do you wanna talk about?"

"Nothing much. Just wondering how you were doing. How are things going at home. That sort of thing."

"Uh… I'm fine… I guess. And home's pretty much the same as it's always been."

"I see." Skullnick said in a tone that suggested she did not believe her. "Listen, sweetheart. I know you might not believe this, but I remember what it was like to be your age. All those hormones rushing through your system. All these new thoughts and feelings bubbling up to the surface. It's all just so overwhelming, and that makes it so easy to lose yourself to one sick vice or another. I guess what I'm trying to say is, honey, I've been where you are and I know how hard it is. So, if you ever need someone to talk to, my door's always open."

By this point, Janna was completely freaked out. She had no idea what the hell this woman was talking about.

"O….kay…. thanks. I'll keep that in mind."

"I hope you do. Because believe me, I wish I'd had someone to talk to about this stuff when I was your age. Maybe then my eating disorder wouldn't have gotten so out of control."

Suddenly, Janna felt her left eye twitch.

"What did you just say?"

"I just meant that…"

"I do **_not_** have an eating disorder!" the young Filipina shouted defensively. "I mean, yeah, I'm a little bigger than I was a few months ago, but that's just from a little stress eating. I have it under control."

"Oh, you poor, poor thing."

"What?"

"'Just a little stress eating.' 'I've got it under control.' You sound just like me when I was your age. So young. So full of denial."

"I'm not in denial! I'm just a little overweight! It's nothing!"

"Now, dearie, there's no shame in admitting you have a problem. After all, with your rather… um… shaky homelife and paternal abandonment issues, it's only natural that you'd…"

"What did you just say?" Janna growled viciously as her left eye began to twitch again.

"Now hold on, I didn't mean anything by it. I just… well, it's no secret that your mother's had more than a few…"

"I know what you meant, but that's not what I'm talking about!" she spat harshly. "That other thing you said. What did you mean by 'paternal abandonment issues'?"

"Oh, well, I just meant that, well, ever since you were little you've longed for a father figure in your life and…"

"And **_who_** told you **_that_**?"

"I'm… not at liberty to say. But rest assured, you have people in your life who care about you. Enough for them to ask me to…."

"Oh my **_God_**! I can't believe this!"

"Now, sweetie, just calm down."

" ** _THAT BITCH_**!"

"Language, Ms. Ordonia. Language _and_ volume."

"I'll split her f***ing head in two!"

"Now wait just a minute, missy. I didn't…"

" ** _RAAAAAAH!_** "

And with that, the pudgy Filipina stormed out of the classroom and charged down the hall like a raging bull.

Leaving the older troll-woman alone with her thoughts.

"Oh dear…" she said, with both exasperation and disappointment. "Well, that's what I get for improvising."

XXX

( _Somewhere down the hall_ )

Like an angry salmon fighting against the current, Janna pushed through the tide of students; her eyes scanning every face, every inch, in search of her illusive quarry.

Jackie Lynn Thomas.

Her so-called best friend.

She was the only person Janna had ever told about her… paternal issues, so logically she was the only one who could've put Skullnick up to that pathetic excuse for an intervention.

Oh, how it made her blood boil.

What the hell was Jackie thinking?

Telling everyone her most embarrassing secrets.

Treating her like she was some kind of hopeless charity case.

It was just so unlike her.

This was all that bitch Kelly's fault. Her and those stupid mushrooms. They'd warped Jackie's brain and turned her against her.

Well, she'd soon fix that. She'd set Jackie straight and get her old friend back. But not before she gave her a piece of her mind.

Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted three familiar faces; Annie, Britney, and Oscar.

Perhaps one of them knew where Jackie was hiding.

As she approached the unlikely trio, the young Filipina noticed that Britney, the crass coldhearted queen of the human pyramid, seemed to be doing all the talking, while Annie and Oscar, the latter of whom had his arm around the former's waist, were listening with what appeared to be genuine interest.

Honestly, even with all the facts, she couldn't wrap her head around how those two, of all people, could've possibly become friends. Why, it was nearly as mindboggling as Lightfoot somehow bagging herself a guy like Oscar. But then, those were mysteries for another day.

Right now she had bigger concerns.

"It's not fair! I tell you, it's just not fair!" Britney said heatedly as Janna approached them unnoticed. "I mean, I was at the training camp. I saw them. They were like a well-oiled machine. It was a thing of beauty. We had this season in the bag. But then, one week before Opening Day, our star pitcher checks himself into a depression clinic! I swear, it's like God hates me!"

"Aww, It's okay, Britney." The young otaku said sympathetically. "I'm sure they'll turn it around. I mean the season just started. Besides, it couldn't 've been that bad."

"Are you kidding? It was a disaster! Without Hernandez the team's whole rhythm is off. The Rockies were up eighteen points in the first inning. And this new pitcher, he looks like he's barely out of high school. He's so green he should be selling frozen vegetables."

"Well… uh…. Try and think positively."

"Hey, Lightfoot." Janna cut in suddenly. "Have you seen…"

"Excuse me! We're discussing something!" The head cheerleader said, callously brushing her aside before shifting her focus back on Annie. "Anyway, you want positive, fine. The series against the Rockies is a total wash, but like you said, it's still early, so we can absorb it. And sure, we'll probably squeak by in the next one because the Diamondbacks are still reeling from the drug bust! But then we play the Giants, and there's not a single addict on that whole mother loving team! Oh, what's the point? The season's ruined."

"Are you finished? Good!" the young Filipina said before violently shoving Britney to the floor. "Now Lightfoot, have you seen Jackie anywhere?"

"No, why?"

"Because I'm looking for her. That's why." She answered bluntly. "What about you, Oscar? Have you seen her?"

"Nope, sorry, dude."

" _Ugh_! Thanks. Way to be useless.

"Hey, wide load! What the hell is your problem!" the head cheerleader said venomously as she picked herself up off the ground. "Where do you get off pushing me to ground like that? Don't you know who I am?"

"Yeah, you're the Queen-Bitch of Cheerleader Land. Now one side, I'm not in the mood."

"Oh, you're not in the mood? Well, guess what? Now this is happening!"

And with that, Britney gave the hefty girl a mighty shove of her own; which of course, only amounted to pushing her back about an inch.

"Did you just shove me?"

" _Yup_. Whatcha gonna do about it, _Porky_?"

And from there, as I'm sure you can imagine, things only got worse.

Before anyone even knew what had happened, the two girls were engaged in an impromptu wrestling match with a large group of people crowded around them.

Naturally, Annie tried to break them apart, to which Janna responded with,

"F*** off, StarFan! This is none of your business!"

To which Britney replied,

"You leave her alone, you stupid manatee!"

And so on and so forth in that manner.

Before long, the chanting of the crowd subsided and a new, much sterner voice arose.

"What is going here?" the new voice said in a no-nonsense tone. "You girls, stop this shameful behavior, at once!"

"F*** off, dumbass!" Janna shouted without thinking.

An action she quickly regretted.

For upon looking up from giving the head cheerleader a headlock, she realized that the person she'd just cursed at was not a student, but rather a short, portly, balding, mustachioed man in a cheap Italian suit.

The 'honorable' Principal Edwin Bonner-Skeeves.

And he did not look happy.

"You two. My office. _Now_!"

End Notes:

The teams are real, but since this in another universe the roster is different. So, any similarities to any real players is coincidence.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

Later.


	3. Chapter 2

I would've had this chapter up sooner, but I got distracted by these old movies I found online. They're based off some old comic book called Asterix the Gaul. Anyway, they're great and I love them, so check them out if you can. My personal favorite is "The Twelve Tasks of Asterix". Anyway, enough chitchat. As always, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Blah. Blah. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 2.

( _Sometime later_ )

The atmosphere inside Jefferson's blue sedan was… unpleasant, to say the least.

Fear.

Anger.

Shame.

Disappointment.

It all hung in the air like a poisonous miasma that choked the life and happiness out of everything it touched.

Most unpleasant indeed.

And this unpleasantness was only compounded by the fact that neither Jefferson nor his young protégé had said a single word since they'd gotten into the vehicle.

The tension between them was so thick it was almost suffocating.

But luckily, after what felt like an eternity, Janna finally plucked up the courage to break the silence.

"Um… Jefferson, I…"

"I don't remember saying you could speak." The older Stand User said harshly; instantly shutting her up. "A week's suspension. And _this_ close to exams. Just what the hell were you thinking?"

"Well, I…"

"Shut up! That was obviously a rhetorical question." He cut her off again, his words just as venomous as before. "Fighting in the hallways. Cussing out the principal. You're lucky I've still got a silver tongue underneath the nicotine stains, that little twerp wanted to have you expelled."

"I still say it's not fair. He only gave Britney detention."

"Grumbling counts as talking. And Britney didn't have a list of priors the length of my arm."

"Yeah, well, Lightfoot didn't have to throw me under the bus like that. She made it sound like the whole thing was my fault."

"According to her and nine other witnesses, it was. And Lightfoot didn't 'throw you under the bus', she just gave her account of the incident, it wasn't personal."

"Oh come on! She was obviously getting back at me for what I did to her stupid drawing. I've never seen anyone answer a question that fast."

"Okay, now you're just being paranoid. And I still didn't say you could talk!"

And with that, the young Filipina once again clammed up.

" _Sigh_. Oh boy… I don't know what I'm gonna do with you." Jefferson said with tired exasperation. "Of all the weeks to get suspended, you had to go and pick this one. Jojo's off at her mother's, so I gotta deal with this all by myself. As if I don't have enough to worry about with a freakin' cannibal on the loose."

Out of the corner of his eye, the older Stand User saw that his charge was anxious to say something. So, against his better judgement, he relented.

"Fine. You can speak now."

"Thank you." Janna said meekly, before getting back a bit of her courage. "All I wanted to say is that none of this would've happened if it hadn't been for Jackie."

" _Ugh_! Again with this. I keep telling you, she's fine."

" _Fine_? She eats wild mushrooms and talks to trees! She's stopped wearing underwear too, did you know that?"

"Kid, she's been a Stand User for over two months. If by this point she hasn't murdered her parents or had sex with a goat then she's one of the stable ones."

"Whatever. And anyway, that's not what I'm talking about. She had the nerve to go around telling people about my personal business."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Jackie told Skullnick that I have an eating disorder. She even convinced her that I needed an intervention. Like I'm some kind of pathetic charity case."

"You're kidding me. _That's_ what all this is about?"

"Uh, _Yeah_."

"You dumbass!"

"What?"

"Jackie didn't talk to Skullnick. I did."

"You _what_?"

"I ran into her at the bakery last week. We got to talking and we both agreed that you need help. So I asked her to talk to you about your issues."

" _Why_? Why would you do this to me?"

" _To you_? I did this _for you_ , you ungrateful little brat! I did it because I'm worried about you! Because you've been acting crazy for weeks! And because, for some reason, I actually give a damn about you!"

Suddenly, the anger in Janna's eyes gave way to shame and her expression fell.

"Wow… I… I don't know what to say."

" _Thank you, Jefferson_ sounds like a good place to start. Of course, I'd also accept, _I'm sorry for acting like such an obnoxious brat_."

"I…. _Eh_ … You're right. I'm sorry."

"You're damn right you are." Jefferson said harshly, before taking a deep breath and letting his expression soften up a bit. "But… it's possible that a big chunk of this is my fault."

"W-What?"

" _Sigh_. Kid, when this whole thing started, I was a nervous wreck. There were psychopaths roaming the streets and my only protection was a group of teens who could barely take on a banker. I was sure I was gonna die. But then you introduced me to your mom and convinced her to let me move in. The more time we spent together, the more I realized what your Stand was capable of. So I made you my watchdog, and for a while I could relax." The older Stand User explained as shame started to seep into his words. "But then I started taking you for granted. Pushing you to your limits. Making you triple check every section of town before bed. Even putting you on 24 hour Diaz watch. I knew it was a lot of pressure for a girl your age, but I put it all on you anyway. So that makes me just as responsible for your freak-outs as you are. I'm sorry, Kiddo."

"What? No! This is all on me." The young Filipina argued. "I wanted to do all that stuff for you. I could've told you the stress was getting to me but I didn't. I didn't tell you because I didn't wanna disappoint you. I wanted you to keep being proud of me because… well, you know."

" _Sigh._ Yeah, I know, Kid. This is a pretty big mess we've gotten ourselves into, but let's try not to dwell on the past. Let's just focus on what we're gonna do now."

"So, what are we gonna do?"

"Well, for starters, I already texted the others and canceled our training session for this afternoon."

"What? No, what about our training? What about Chemical Romance?"

"Don't worry. They all know to stick to my buddy system, so none of them will make an easy target while walking home. And just to make sure nobody gets sloppy, I gave each of them a list of simple exercises they can do at home to keep their Stands in shape. If everyone follows my instructions, then we'll all be on the same page when we meet up tomorrow."

"Wow, you really do plan ahead."

"Of course, if you're not two steps ahead you're four steps behind. A bit oversimplified, I'll admit, but it's thanks to this philosophy that I've managed to live as long as I have in spite of my many weaknesses."

"What?"

"Oh, uh, nothing." He said, half lying. "Just thinking out loud. Anyway, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we have a lot of work ahead of us tonight. It's not gonna be pleasant, but if you're willing to put forth the effort I think we can hash out most of your issues before you go back to school on Monday."

"Stop."

"Oh come on, I know it sucks, but…"

"No, I mean stop the car! **_Stop the car_** _ **right now**_!"

 _SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!_

Acting on reflex, Jefferson did as his young charge demanded and slammed on the breaks; forcing his blue sedan to come to a sudden, jarring halt.

After a few terrifying moments of fear induced delirium, the older Stand User managed to regain his senses; or at least enough for them to process what had happened.

Apparently, while they were distracted by their conversation, some stupid, random pedestrian decided to step out into the middle of the street and stand there for no apparent reason.

Highly unusual, but mostly just infuriating.

 ** _HONK_**!

 ** _HONK_**!

"Hey, dumbass! Get outta the road!" Jefferson yelled out the window; having gotten over his initial shock. "What's the matter? Can't you hear me? I said, get off the f***ing street!"

 ** _HONK_**!

 ** _HONK_**!

But alas, the stranger did not budge.

It was so weird, whoever this was, he was just standing there. In an orange hoodie. In April. With the hood pulled up. And his face obscured by a ski mask… Oh God.

"Oh God."

"What?"

"Janna, don't freak out, but I'm pretty sure this guy's a carjacker."

" _What_?"

"I said _don't_ freak out. Look, just stay calm, don't make any sudden moves, and have Bangles ready when this guy pulls out his gun."

"How are you being so calm about this?"

"Because this isn't my first rodeo. Now shut up and do what I say."

Bracing himself for a spray of bullets, Jefferson fell back on his instincts and started analyzing the assailant. Upon further inspection, he noticed that the would-be jacker was a lot shorter than he first thought; about Janna's height, give or take. And there was a certain… curve to his figure that made him look… feminine. This was no man, this was a girl. A girl about Janna's age.

Oh _God_!

"Oh _God_!"

"What?"

"Janna, get Bangles out and grab this guy. _Now_." He answered in a hushed and terrified voice.

"What? Why?"

"Because that's not a carjacker. That's Chemical…"

 _WHOOOOSH_

Suddenly, an enormous pressure enveloped the car; paralyzing them both and knocking the air out of their lungs.

Out of the corner of his eye, the older Stand User saw something move past the back window; some kind of purple tail or tentacle. Then he heard an awful noise coming from the left side; like claws scratching against the metal. But then the scratching suddenly stopped and he heard something slither up underneath the vehicle.

Seconds later, a ghoulish figure arose from the hood of the car. In form, its appearance was similar to that of a mermaid, but not the sort of mermaid you were probably thinking of. Putrid green skin. Long greasy purple hair. Huge lamp like eyes. And a large gaping maw filled with row upon row of razor-sharp shark teeth.

Slowly and ghostlike, the creature phased through the windshield until its horrible glowing eyes were staring right into Jefferson's. Then it opened its massive mouth, and as its hot, rancid breath threatened to burn off the little hairs in his nostrils, it spoke.

" _Bye, Bye, Baby~_ "

 ** _RRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPP!_**

And then they fell.

End Notes:

From here on out the story gets a lot more interesting.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I'll see you next time.

Peace.


	4. Chapter 3

This is where things start to pick up a little. As always, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Blah. Blah. Blah. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 3.

( _An unknown amount of time later_ )

With a throaty groan and an aching _everything_ , Janna awoke to find herself in a world of darkness.

Or to be more accurate, she awoke to find herself still in Jefferson's car, which had somehow been transported to a world of darkness.

 _Gasp_! Jefferson!

On a reflex, the young Filipina turned her head to check on her beloved teacher and, to her great relief, she saw that he was alright.

Unconscious and a little battered, but otherwise alright.

At the very least he was still breathing.

"Jefferson? Jefferson, are you okay?" she asked as she gently tried to shake him back to consciousness. "Come on, wake up. Please wake up."

After another minute or two of this, the older Stand User started to sir, and after a few more minutes his eyes finally opened.

" _Ugh_ … what happened?" he asked groggily as he lifted his face off the steering wheel. "I feel like I got hit by a car."

"Eh… not exactly."

"Janna? Oh my God, kid. Are you okay? You look like hell."

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little bruised, I think. What about you?"

"I think I'm alright. At least, I don't think anything's broken. Where the hell are we?"

"No clue. It's pitch black out there. Quick, try the headlights."

"Okay, let me just…"

But just as he was about to turn the little knob, Jefferson started sniffing the air like a hunting dog and his expression turned deathly serious.

"What's that matter?"

"Janna, there's a flashlight in the glovebox. Hand it to me."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it!"

"Okay, Okay. Jeez."

And with no further arguments she did as instructed.

With the flashlight soon in hand, Jefferson opened the driver's side door and ventured out into to darkness.

"Stay put. And don't make a sound until I give the all clear. Understand?" he said, as he briefly paused to turn around.

"Yes, sir." She replied softly.

And with that, the older Stand User quietly shut the door and wandered off into the abyss.

From her position in the passenger's seat, Janna could see very little of what was going on; just her teacher's silhouette and a single shaft of light. But thankfully her other senses were much less impaired. She could hear Jefferson sloshing around as he walked through what sounded like water. But what's more, her nose detected a strange, almost sickening odor that hung in the air. It was most unpleasant, and yet strangely familiar.

After what felt like hours, Jefferson's silhouette finally stopped moving. For reasons unknown to her, the older Stand User was standing before the hood of the car. She could see his lips moving as he bent down to examine one of the headlights, but she couldn't tell what he was saying.

After about a minute or so of this, he stood back up and called to her.

"Janna, you'd better come out here. There's something you need to see."

Not needing to be told twice, Janna did as instructed and exited the vehicle. However, upon doing so, she suddenly found herself standing ankle-deep in some sort of clear, foul-smelling liquid.

"Gross! What is this stuff?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say kerosene. By the way, watch your step getting over here."

Janna was about to ask why she needed to be careful, when the glow from the flashlight illuminated the answer. In the dim light the young Filipina could just barely make out a number of large, jagged chunks floating in the kerosene; most likely pieces of wood. So to avoid any cuts or splinters, she crept through the foul-smelling fuel like a cat burglar.

"Okay, I'm here." She said in a hushed tone as she finally reached the front of the car. "What do I need to see?"

"Look here." The older Stand User replied, indicating that he wanted her look where his flashlight was pointing.

Heeding his command, Janna looked down at the bumper and saw that both the headlights had been smashed open; exposing the copper wires inside.

"What the hell?"

"Now look over here." Jefferson commanded; aiming his flashlight to the area behind them.

Once again, the young Filipina did as instructed and, to her great astonishment, saw that the 'World of Darkness' was in reality just a massive storeroom filled with hundreds, if not thousands, of large wooden barrels; all of them presumably filled with more kerosene.

Suddenly the wheels in her head started turning and everything started to make sense.

As Jefferson had theorized, Chemical Romance had somehow acquired her own pair of Dimensional Scissors and had apparently used them to teleport them to some weird explosives warehouse. Based on all the debris, she'd probably opened the portal underneath the sedan and dropped it from somewhere high enough so that it would smash a few barrels on impact. Then, while they were unconscious, she smashed the headlights and exposed the wires.

Devilishly clever.

She knew that, upon waking up in a dark unknown location, their first instinct would be to turn on the headlights. But with the wires exposed, this would've released a spray of sparks, which would've ignited the kerosene on the floor, which in turn would've set off the thousands of others barrels; resulting in a tremendous, fiery explosion.

And to think, if Jefferson hadn't noticed that smell, that's exactly what would've happened.

Just imagine, one little flip of a switch and they'd both be… _Oh God_!

" _Oh_ _God_!" Janna said as the full scope of her situation finally caught up with her. "We… we almost _died_. Like for _real_."

"Yeah, I know." Jefferson replied nonchalantly. "Now c'mon, I think I saw a door over this way."

" _What_? How can you be so calm about this? _We_ almost _died_!"

"Yeah, but we didn't. And sooner or later, Chemical Romance is gonna figure that out. So it's best we not be here when she does. Now, come on!"  
Despite her anxiety over her near demise, the young Filipina couldn't find a hole in his logic. So, instead of arguing, she just kept quiet and followed her teacher into the abyss.

After several minutes of weaving through barrels and trudging through lighter fluid, the duo eventually came upon the exit; in the form of a large wooden door. Luckily for them it wasn't locked, so one good shove later and they were finally able to move on.

Compared to the pitch blackness of the explosives storeroom, the room beyond was much more inviting by comparison. Granted, it was less of a room and more of a long stone hallway. And yes, it was a little drafty and covered in a thick layer of dust, but at least it was well lit. The walls were lined with torches; which explained what all that kerosene was for. But more than that, it proved that wherever this was, someone or something intelligent enough to use fire was living there.

She just hoped they were friendly.

"I can see some stairs down this way." Jefferson said in a calm yet commanding tone. "C'mon, let's check it out."

Once again not wanting to argue, Janna did as she was told and followed her teacher's lead.

A short jaunt down the hall and a five minute hike up the stairs later, the duo found themselves before another large wooden door; only this was ornately decorated. Most of the carvings had been worn away by time, but one image was still clearly visible; a four-eyed man holding a tiny woman in the palm of his hand. The young Filipina had no idea what it was supposed to mean, but she had to admit, it did look quite lovely.

"I hear something on the other side." The older Stand User said in a hushed tone. "Sounds like voices. And they're speaking English."

"Is that good news or bad news?"

"Not sure. I'm gonna go in first to see if they're friendly. You stay behind me just in case they're not. If anything happens, have Bangles ready to take you into the shadows."

"But what about you?"

"Just do what I tell you."

Yet again putting her faith in her mentor's instincts, Janna followed his instructions and stood back as he pushed the door open.

 ** _CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK_**.

Suddenly, a bright flash of sunlight shone through the dusty stairwell; causing Janna to temporarily lose her sight. In her blinded state she attempted to stay close to Jefferson's backside as they both took a few steps forward.

Unfortunately, when her sight returned the young Filipina found herself in a world of trouble.

"Oh… Rats." She said, pun very much intended.

For you see, dear reader, the duo suddenly found themselves surrounded by a swarm of angry looking rats. Each one the size of a football and each one pointing a spear right at their vital spots.

Needless to say, this was not good.

"Out of the way! Out of the way!" came a raspy yet familiar voice from out of the crowd. "One side! One side! Make way for your leader!"

Moments later, a small, green, sickly looking birdlike creature emerged from the militaristic mischief. Janna instantly recognized the little cretin as Ludo, the malicious monster who had attacked her and Star in the cemetery several months before and stolen the princess' irreplaceable Book of Spells.

"Well, well, well… look what the rats dragged in." the tiny bird said; weirding his makeshift wand like a swagger stick. "Looks like a couple of Mewman spies sent here to spy on me. Why are you spying on me, spies? Did the Queen send you to spy on me? Because you're spies! Well, what do you have to say yourselves, spies? Huh? **_SPIES_**!"

"We're not spies!" Janna spoke up annoyedly. "And also, stop saying spies. You said it like ten times and now the word's lost all meaning."

"Wait a second! Don't I know you?" Ludo asked her almost threateningly.

"Uh… no. I mean, I would definitely remember meeting someone like you before. I-I just have one of those faces, you know?"

"Hmmm…" went the little birdman as he stroked his bearded chin. For a moment it looked like he wasn't buying it. But then he said. "Yeah, I guess you're right. You're much too fat to be the person I was thinking of."

Janna felt her left eye twitching again, but luckily Jefferson stepped in before she could do anything foolish.

"Whoa. Easy there, Caesar. We're not spies and we're not Mewmans. We're just a couple of humans who kinda sorta fell into your palace by accident. And may I say, what a lovely place it is. Very homey."

"Really? You think so? Because I've only just started fengshuing all the rubble. And I was thinking about putting a nice fountain over- ** _WAIT A MINUTE_**! Don't try to distract me with your words and phrases! Now tell me who you are and I why I shouldn't just throw you off this mountain!"

"Wait, we're on a mountain?"

"Yes. Now start talking!"

"Okay, Caesar, it's like this. My name is Jefferson and I'm a teacher sort of but not really. This is Janna. She's one of my students, but she's also the daughter of this woman I'm sleeping with. It's a complicated relationship."

"This story is boring. Get to the good part!"

"Look, long story short, one of our enemies threw us into a portal and we just kinda ended up here by accident."

"Really? You know, it's funny. The same thing happened to me once- ** _WAIT A MINUTE_**! How do I know you're not ly- ** _AAAAAAAH! OOOOOOOOOH! OOOOOHHHHHOOO! MY BACK_**!"

"Uh… you okay there, Caesar?"

"Yes… perfectly fine… why do you ask?"

"Because… it looks like you're doubled over in pain and trying to force yourself not to cry."

"No… I'm fine… This is just… a dance. It's called the… Funky… Ludo… Dance. The Funky Ludo Dance."

" _Sigh._ Okay, I can see where this is going." The older Stand User said as he bend down to the creature's eye level. "Look, Caesar, I think I can help you, but you're gonna have to trust me. Alright?"

"Trust you? Why? What are you going to do- ** _AAAAAAAAAAAH! NEVERMIND! JUST DO IT! DO IT NOW!"_**

"If you insist." Jefferson said, half sarcastically, before placing his hand on Ludo's shoulder and calling out, "St. James Infirmary!"

A split second later, a familiar purple pit viper burst from his forearm; sending the tiny birdman into a panic.

" ** _AAAAAAAAAAAAH_**! What is that? Get it away! Get it away! **_AAAAAAAAAAAH_**! It bit me! Oh sweet heaven! Help me! I'm dying! I'm dying! I'm… I… I feel rather nice actually."

"I thought you would."

"My back's all better! My toothache's gone! And I feel like I just slept ten hours!" Ludo shouted elatedly. "How did you do this?"

"I have healing powers. It's no big deal."

"Healing powers, eh?" the little bird thing said in a suspicious tone. "Hold on. I need to have a sidebar. Excuse me."

And with that, the tiny monster wandered off and started talking to his wand.

"What the hell is wrong with you!" Janna screamed quietly; unable to contain herself any longer. "Why did you heal that little freak? I could've just had Bangles rip his head off!"

"Yes, and then we'd be up to our armpits in angry rats. We can't muscle our way out of this one, Kiddo."

"You don't understand, this guy's dangerous. He's Star's mortal enemy. He stole her family's spell book. He tried to kill me a few months ago!"

"Interesting… that's some info I can use."

"For what? What the hell are you gonna do?"

"If I told you, you'd just get upset. But trust me, I know what I'm doing."

Before Janna could argue, Ludo came back on the scene.

"Good News~ After much deliberation, my wand and I have decided not to kill you." He said jovially. "Instead, I shall make you both my servants for all eternity."

" ** _What_**!" the young Filipina exploded. "Are you out of your _MMMMPPHH_!"

Luckily, Jefferson managed to put his hand over her mouth before she said anything they'd regret.

"You were saying, Great Caesar?"

"Yes, well, as I was saying. Jefferson, since you are clearly a man of intelligence and good breeding, you will be my valet. Fat Girl, since you obviously like food so much, you will be my cook and prepare all my meals from now on."

" ** _HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPH_**!"

"There, now that that's all settled. I have these victory speeches I've been working on and I need an unbiased opinion. Come, Jefferson."

"At once, Great Caesar."

But before he could follow his new 'master', Janna trapped his arm in a vicelike grip.

"I take it you're upset about something?"

"You're damn right I am! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Relax. I know what I'm doing. Just trust me."

"Yeah but…"

"Trust me."

"But…"

"Trust me~"

And before she knew it, he had slipped out of her grasp and was about fifty yards away.

Leaving Janna to just stand there and fume.

"Son of a **_Bitch_**!"

End Notes:

Thanks for reading folks.

See you in the next one.

Peace.


	5. Chapter 4

Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 4.

( _Butterfly Castle: Later that evening_ )

King River was in an ocean of hot water.

It had been almost twelve hours since 'the Incident' had occurred and his beloved Queen was still refusing to speak to him.

She'd refused to speak to him right after it happened.

She'd refused to speak to him during dinner.

She'd even refused to speak to him while they were getting ready for bed.

Now they were both in bed and she wouldn't even look at him.

This was far worse than any of their previous tiffs, and for the life of him, the old King just couldn't think of a way to make this right.

And yet, he knew he had to try.

"Darling, I…"

"No."

"But I just…"

"No."

"Darling, please, I…"

" _No_!"

"Oh, come on! I know you're mad at me, but sooner or later we have to talk about this. You know, so we can figure out our next move."

At this, Queen Moon turned around to face her husband; shooting him the worst angry/disappointed face he had ever seen her make.

"We wouldn't need a 'next move' if you had just stuck to the plan." She said in a calm yet seething tone. "Honestly, River. What in heaven's name were you thinking?"

"I don't know. I just got so mad all of a sudden. It was like I was possessed."

" _Sigh_ … Oh River…" the Queen said in exasperation as she started to massage her temples. "Do you remember the conversation we had this morning?"

"Yes, dear."

"And what was the one thing I specifically asked you _not_ to do?"

" _Sigh_ … make things worse." The King replied, lowering his head in shame.

"And what did you do?"

"I… I may have made things worse."

XXX

( _Earlier that morning_ )

" ** _NO_**!" roared King River as he balled up the offensive document and tossed it over his shoulder like a child. "No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Quadruple Infinity times _NO_! And also, **_Never_**!"

"This isn't a request, River." Replied Queen Moon, her tone suggesting that she was in no mood for his antics today. "It's a strategic and tactical move suggested by the Commission. I'm not too fond of it either, but the fact is we just don't have any other options."

"Nonsense! We've got plenty of options. Just give me ten knights, eleven horses, four catapults, and a barrel of our finest mead, and I'll have this whole Monster Uprising snuffed out by dinner time."

"And ordinarily, I'd be happy to give them to you, but I'm afraid things aren't quite that simple this time. There are civilians involved. Mewman civilians. Do you want me to go down in history as the Queen who waged war on a bunch of farmers?"

"No… no I don't." the old King replied; sounding a little ashamed of himself for his haste. "But still, this whole thing. It just… irks me. The idea of just _giving_ those Monsters _our_ territory."

For those of you who are confused about what's going on, please permit me to explain.

Ever since the Child Suicide Bombing Incidents, the situation in the Butterfly Kingdom had grown more and more chaotic. While the members of the Mewnian Nobility and those who lived in relative proximity to the Castle were willing to stand by their Queen, many communities in the outer regions were demanding justice. So great was their outrage, that many of these peasant farmers had allied themselves with the Monster Hordes and formed a powerful movement dedicated to overthrowing the Royal Family.

So far, the alliance had made no moves against the monarchy, or anyone else for that matter, but everyday their numbers grew, and that alone was cause for concern. And since so many of those numbers were Mewman citizens, Queen Moon could not, in good conscience, sent her troops to wipe them out or do it herself with her Magic.

Needless to say, the situation was less than ideal.

Fortunately, a ray of hope had shone through yesterday, in the form of some very useful intel from Omnitraxus Prime. Apparently the Magic High Commission had been contacted by one of the leaders of the resistance movement who'd expressed interest in a quick and nonviolent resolution to the conflict; on the condition that both the Queen and King be present for the negotiations. A suspicious request, but luckily the God of Space-Time had arranged for the proceedings to take place within the Royal Palace, so security would not be an issue.

The only real problem now was, well… the King.

"It's not right! It's just not right!" His Highness pontificated. "When one side gains ground and the other side loses it, that's not a negotiation. That's a defeat! Why, in my day…"

"Oh, shut up, you old windbag." Said a haughty voice annoyedly. "It's just the three of us here. You're not impressing anyone."

The owner of said voice was none other than Queen Moon's cousin, the 'honorable' Heartrude Butterfly, the Duke of Nuthaven, who had been brought in as lead negotiator; much to King River's disgust.

Honestly, he couldn't understand why Moon had asked him of all people. Granted, Heartrude was certainly qualified to represent them during the conference. Afterall, in addition to being in charge of Nuthaven, the third largest merchant town in all of Mewni, he was also the Royal Barrister and the official Ambassador to both the Lucitor and Waterfolk Kingdoms. However, none of this changed the fact that he was a spoiled, selfish, lazy, insufferable jackass.

"If the Monarchy is to weather this crisis with its reputation intact, then we must all accept that the status quo has changed." The young Duke said in that oh so condescending way he loved to speak. "If this were a simple Monster Uprising, then yes, swift military action would be justified. However, since this insurgency consists of so many of our own people, to mount an attack against them would be unseemly. Not to mention, it would severely damage dear Moon's already shaky image, and might even spark future peasant revolts. No, no, no. The word of the day is _appeasement_. We've got a bunch of noisy mutts, so let's give them a big yard to play in."

"You know, I vaguely recall one of _your_ ancestors trying something very similar to this and it not working out." River countered bluntly.

"I presume you're referring to Queen Crescenta." Heartrude said dryly. "Yes, I'll admit, that little experiment did end in disaster, but Great-Great-Great Grandmother had the right idea, she just chose the wrong Monster for the job. She picked a puppet ruler who was loyal to the Butterflies but neglected her own people. However, that won't happen this time, because the Monsters have already selected a superior candidate for us. One that will serve his people and accommodate us to keep the peace."

"I still don't like it!"

"You don't have to like it. You just have to accept it." The young Duke said smugly, before quickly adding. "Which reminds me, these negotiations are going to require a certain level of decorum. So, for the good of everyone involved, I think it would best if you don't say anything. **_At all_**."

" _What_? Why you insolent little…"

"No, River, he's right." Queen Moon cut in; her tone both serious and slightly reluctant. "This meeting could make or break the future of our Kingdom. One wrong word could plunge us into a civil war. So please, don't make things worse than they already are."

"But Darling, I…"

"Promise me, River!"

The urgency in his beloved's voice told him that this was not the time to argue. So instead of pressing the issue, he just sighed and said,

"Very well, I promi…"

 _Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek_.

But the familiar sound of a massive door opening cut him off midsentence.

Suddenly, everyone's eyes were on the far side of the room. There they saw Manfred, the Queen's most loyal and trusted servant, standing at the ready.

"A thousand apologies, My Liege." He said to Moon as if she were the only one in the room. "But the delegates from Whimsy Valley have arrives."

"Very well, Manfred." She replied regally. "Send them in."

As the three Butterflies positioned themselves on their end of the negotiating table, the revolutionaries were shown in one by one.

The first was a large, muscular ape-man with a number of nasty looking battle scars on his exposed chest and a sour expression etched across his face.

Next came a plump looking boar-woman with blonde pigtails and a massive gourd strapped to her back for heaven only knows why.

After the first two Monsters had taken their seats, River expected a third to walk in. But what he saw instead made his blood start to boil.

" _You_!" the King shouted accusingly at the third diplomate; a tall, heavyset Mewman about his age. "What in blue blazes are _you_ doing here? You… You… foppish old fruit!"

" _River_." The Queen scolded; her eyes betraying her fear.

Fortunately for them, Lord Mildrew was too mature to respond to such a childish taught. So instead of giving River the satisfaction, he just sat down between his two colleagues.

"What I believe King River is trying to say, Lord Mildrew, is that we're all just a little… confused as to what you're doing here." Heartrude said awkwardly, in a desperate attempt to regain control of the situation. "I mean, out everyone on Mewni, you are the last person anyone would suspect of being a Monster Sympathizer. Let alone the leader of a revolutionary army."

This much was true. In their youth, River had always viewed Mildrew as a pretentious fop at the best of times, and a sniveling coward at the worst. In many ways, he'd been the ideal picture of what their society says young nobility should be. So to see him now, sitting between two Monsters like he was their equal, was just plain baffling.

"People are always changing, Heartrude. Very rarely does one carry the views and disposition he had as child into adulthood." The hefty lord said calmly. "However, to be accurate, I am not the leader of a revolutionary army. I am one of eight founders of a grassroots political movement. We're not an army. Not yet."

"All fair points." The Queen said politely. "However, if you don't mind, I'd be very interested to learn how you came to be in such a position. If only to satisfy my curiosity."

"Very well, Your Majesty." he replied courteously; pausing only for a second to readjust his seat. "It's not all that complicated really. I'm sure you all remember my sister's marriage to Sir Atlas Whimsy some seventeen years ago."

King River did indeed remember. Back when they were both vying for Moon's affection, the then Count Mildrew had often lamented his inability to say no to his younger sister. Which, the King supposed, explained why he'd given her permission to marry into a family of known Monster Lovers in spite of his father's vehement protests.

"So, your position within this… movement has more to do with your devotion to your family than any sympathy you feel for the monsters." Queen Moon reasoned.

"No, that's a bit of an oversimplification." The Mewman Lord corrected. "You see, in my many visits to Whimsy Valley, I've gotten to know the people who live there; all of the people. And I dare say I've come to care about them a great deal."

"I see."

"You see nothing, whelp." The ape-man said gruffly. "Save only for what helps you maintain your infantile delusions."

"I beg your pardon, Mr…"

"That's Master." He corrected her. "Master Hanzo, to you. And there can be no pardon for the sins of your family."

"Calm yourself, Hanzo." The boar-woman said almost sleepily, before shifting her focus towards the Mewman Queen. "You'll have to excuse him, Your Majesty. Being here stirs up a lot of unpleasant feelings for him. You see, long ago, this land was covered in a rich green forest and his ancestors lived in the trees. That is, until your ancestors cut the trees down to build their first castle and chased them into the northern mountains."

"Where we have been forced to remain for centuries." Hanzo said bitterly. "But I swear upon my father's grave and the graves of all my ancestors, I that I will restore our sacred forest. Even if I must do it with my bare hands."

"I don't see what all the fuss is about? I mean they're just trees." River said thoughtlessly, much to his wife's irritation.

" ** _Just trees_**!"

"Oh no." Mildrew muttered worriedly.

"You insolent cur! Those trees were the center of everything! Our history. Our culture. Our spirituality. Your people didn't just steal our homes. You stole our heritage! Our roots!"

The King noticed a flash of understanding wash over his wife's face. She was likely thinking of her own lost heritage; the stolen Book of Spells.

"Easy now, Master Hanzo." The boar-woman spoke up again. "You'll get what you want. We all will. That's why we're here."

" _Hrrr_ … Very well." The ape-man growled, before finally settling back down.

"Okay then, now that that's all settled. Let's get down to business." Heartrude said gregariously; clearly trying to steer things back in the right direction. "Now, I trust Omnitraxus already gave you the gist of our offer, but I have a copy of the real treaty right here. If you'll all just look it over, and if everything meets with your approval, we can go ahead with the signing and we'll have the Monster Kingdom up and running in a matter of…"

"Typhon." The boar-woman said suddenly.

"I beg your pardon."

"I said, Typhon. That will be the name of our new homeland. It was decided several days ago. There will be no 'Monster Kingdom'."

"O…kay… well, what's in a name anyway. The Typhon Kingdom will look just as good on…"

"Not Kingdom, just Typhon." She corrected him again. "The Great Nation of Typhon, to be precise."

"Um… Am I missing something?"

"I believe so, Duke Heartrude." Lord Mildrew said, in as calm and diplomatic a voice as he could muster. "It seems there's been a slight miscommunication. You see, we're not interested in becoming a sub-kingdom of Mewni. We're forming our own country. One that is completely autonomous and independent from you."

Upon hearing this, King River's blood began to boil.

What gall.

What insolence.

How dare he come into his home and demand such a thing.

 _How indeed?_

Suddenly, a strange sort of mental fog started clouding the old King's senses. It was kind of like being drunk, only he was still lucid enough to maintain his composure.

Then, from out of that mental fluff, came a voice.

His own.

 _Where does that fat pretentious fop get off? Asking, nay, demanding such a thing. A kingdom in Mewni not under Butterfly control? Ridiculous. All lesser species must kneel before Mewman superiority._

"My word." Said the Queen, sounding more than a little aghast. "I… didn't realize things were quite that serious. What happened to those children was terrible, sure. But don't you think this is a bit extreme."

"With all due respect, Your Majesty. This goes far beyond the Child Suicide Bombing Incidents." Mildrew explained politely. "No, I'm afraid the problems between you and the outer territories have been building up for quite some time. At least back to the reign of Queen Crescenta."

"What do you mean?"

" _Sigh_. Moon, please, you have to understand. These people live on the outer rim of our territory. They don't see things the same way as the peasants who live near the palace. To them, the Queen is just some distant, anonymous authority figure they have to pay taxes to. If there's a drought or a wildfire, aid from the capital is slow to come, if at all. And then there's the problem with the soldiers you have stationed out there."

"What sort of problem?"

"Well, I've never witnesses any of this myself, but I've heard stories from all over the outer rim about soldiers using their authority to take advantage of the local farmers. Asking for twice the amount of yearly taxes and pocketing the difference. And apparently, some of them have even started demanding tribute; two thirds of their crops or they torch the whole field."

 _Lies! All lies!_

The voice hissed inside River's head; making his anger rise.

 _The knights of Mewni are the greatest in the universe. Spotless! Squeaky clean! This is all nothing but lies from ungrateful tax dodgers._

"My word…" Moon said in hush horror. "How is this possible? I've never heard about any of this."

"There's a good reason for that." Mildrew explained. "From what I understand, the soldiers often bribe the inspectors you send to the outer territories. And the few that can't be bought often come to… unfortunate ends."

 _Liar! Liar! Those missing inspectors were killed by Monsters! Everyone knows that._

"Good heavens… I had no idea." The Queen admitted shamefully. "But rest assured, I intend to launch a full investigation into these matters."

"I'm afraid it's too late for that, Moon." The hefty lord said regretfully. "After generations of being ignored and oppressed, the people, well… they just don't like you. They know what they feel you've done to them and they've seen what you've done to the Monsters, and well… they've decided that they'd rather live with them than live under you."

 _Traitors! Traitors to their species! They all deserve to die!_

"This is all… rather shocking. So many of my people would rather live with Monsters than me. It's like a nightmare."

"If it makes you feel any better, a lot of them wanted to kill you before I proposed this new idea." Mildrew said, seemingly without thinking, before quickly backpedaling. "No, of course that wouldn't make you feel better. Sorry."

 _Now he mocks your Queen directly. What are you waiting for, River? Draw your sword!_

"This… is a lot to take in, Lord Mildrew." Queen Moon admitted. "But before we go any further, can you please tell me exactly what you and your people are asking for."

"Well, Your Majesty, the first thing we need is for you to officially recognize us as an independent nation. That's a given. But more importantly, we need your assurance that you won't arrest or detain anyone for trying to immigrate into Typhon. Lastly, since we're expecting a mass exodus from the other outer rim territories, we're going to need more land. You've already offered us Whimsy Valley. But in order to adequately house the new citizens, we'll need an additional fifteen square miles, at least."

Moon said something after this. Most likely, she was trying to find a polite way of saying he was asking for too much. But whatever it was, River heard none of it. For the mental fog had completely taken over his sense.

 _See what appeasement gets you. He's trying to screw you. To take all of your land._

 _End this farce, River. Draw your sword._

 ** _DO IT NOW_** _!_

XXX

( _Back in the present_ )

"Well, it's not as if I actually hurt anyone." River argued weakly. "I mean, that gorilla fellow knocked me out before I even got close to them."

"Yes, right after you leapt onto the table, drew your sword, shouted every derogatory term for Monster in the Mewnian language, and called Mildrew's sister a whore." Moon replied icily. "Well, I hope you're happy, River. Thanks to you, our one chance for a peaceful resolution was thrown right out the window. Now I have to declare war on my own people!"

"But darling, please, it wasn't my fault. There was this voice in my head."

"I don't want to hear it, River!" the angry Queen shouted as she climbed out of bed.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"To one of the guest bedrooms. I just… I just can't be around you right now."

And with that, she stormed out of the room; leaving the King alone with his thoughts.

However, unbeknownst to the royals, in a ramshackle swamp shack many miles from the palace, a lone figure sat in a ratty old recliner and laughed.

"Somebody pinch me." He said with a crooked, yellow smile. "It just _can't_ be this easy!"

End Notes:

Thanks for reading.

I'll see you in the next one.

Peace.


	6. Chapter 5

I've been waiting to write this chapter for over a year. I hope you like it. Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 5.

( _Dismal Bog: The Next Morning_ )

With a soft squish and a gentle thud, a slender birdlike creature landed in a patch of mud and rotting vegetation.

It had been a long and difficult journey, but after overcoming many hardships the young lad had finally…

Hold on, I'm getting ahead of myself again.

Let's just back this up a bit.

The creature, as you may have guessed, was a Monster. Specifically, he was a Mewnian Kappa; a largely carnivorous avian species. Not to be confused with the Common Earth Kappa, which is a largely vegetarian water dwelling species.

But regardless, this particular Kappa's name was Dennis, and he was the youngest son of the once proud House of Avarius.

Or was it the third youngest?

I don't know.

Kappas are born in clutches of up to fifty eggs. So who the hell can keep track?

And anyway that's not what's important.

What is important is that young Dennis was returning home after finally completing an important quest entrusted to him by his parents; the Lord and Lady Avarius.

Okay, I lied. It wasn't an important quest. In fact, it was a down right stupid one. But it was a quest nonetheless.

Here's what happened. Yesterday morning, Dennis' mother, the 'honorable' Lady Avarius, got a sudden craving for Murdoch Root Tea, as she did from time to time, but since they were out of the key ingredient at the house, the young lad was sent out to collect some. Which ordinarily wouldn't have been a problem, but since Murdoch Plants were out of season at the time, finding even one was next to impossible.

But of course, logic and commonsense weren't traits normally associated with the Avarius Family, so there was no point in arguing.

It had taken him the better part of the day, but after an exhaustive amount of searching, Dennis had managed to find a lone Murdoch Plant on the far side of the swamp. Unfortunately, by the time he'd finished harvesting the roots and pulverizing them into a fine powder, night had fallen, so he had to camp out in a nearby tree. He knew his parents would be angry at him for taking so long, but he knew he'd 've gotten it even worse if he'd come home empty handed.

The lesser of two evils, I suppose.

At any rate, after an ordeal like that, the young Kappa was relived to back home; if for no other reason than that it meant he'd once again have a roof over his head. Albeit a leaky and dilapidated one.

Still a little weary from his 'adventure', Dennis paused for a moment to examine his oh so humble abode. Yes Sir, Castle Avarius II was quite the dump; at least in comparison to the grandeur of the original. But then, it was still better than what most of the other Monsters were living in, so I guess he had no real reason to complain. At least not about the house itself anyway.

As he walked up to the front door, heavy sack of Murdoch Powder slung across his shoulder, the young Kappa took note of the stray dog rooting through one of their garbage cans. This in of itself was nothing unusual, but what struck him as odd was the fact that it was digging through one of the cans strewn about the yard, which were all but empty, instead of one of the ones right beside the door, which were overflowing. Almost as if it was afraid to come near the house.

Weird.

And yet, not weird enough for Dennis to have given it a second thought.

So instead of dwelling on it, he just shrugged it off and went right to opening the door.

However, upon doing so the young Kappa was struck, nay, assaulted by an extremely unpleasant odor. It was sort of like rotting meat, only worse. It very nearly made him lose his breakfast. But after a minute or two of gagging, he managed to get used to the stench and pressed on.

Once inside, Dennis noticed that it was unusually quiet for that time of day. Usually by then everyone was awake and the house was abuzz with activity. And yet, for some strange reason, he heard nothing.

No voices.

No shouting.

Nothing but silence.

Silence and Darkness.

"Well, hello there." Said a strange, unfamiliar voice from out of the shadows. "You must be Dennis."

The young Monster stiffened for a second as a strange sensation washed over him.

Fear?

No, this was something else. Something completely alien to avian youth. It was like his entire body had gone numb and his brain was… _tingling_.

"Come now, my boy. We mustn't linger in doorways." The voice said, almost jokingly. "It's rude. One might question your upbringing."

Suddenly, his body started moving of its own accord; as if his limbs were being manipulated by some invisible puppeteer. Slowly and awkwardly, the young Kappa was led into the living room at an inconsistent pace. Sometimes he would take big giant steps. Other times he would take tiny little sideways steps. Almost as if whatever was controlling him was making him walk around something. Except that there was nothing in his path to avoid, so doing all of this made no sense.

Or so it appeared.

After what felt like an eternity, Dennis' body finally stopped moving; having apparently reached his destination. Before him, sitting in his father's ratty old easy chair, was another Kappa; one that the youth had never seen before. To his eyes, the stranger sort of resembled his brother Ludo, only he was much taller and had fully formed wings. Also, he appeared to be much older; at least as old as his father, if not more so. You know, if his long, snow colored bearded was anything to go by.

"About time you showed up." He said with an amused smile. "You had me worried there for a while. I was beginning to think you'd run away from home."

"Who… Who are you?" Dennis asked skittishly. "Why are you in my house?"

"Oh yes, how rude of me." The older Kappa replied, still wearing his cocky grin. "You, my young friend, may call me Brando. And as for what I'm doing here, well… I've been waiting for you."

"Me?"

"Yes, you." The stranger replied with a sort of devilish smirk as he forced himself up from the easy chair. "You see, I'm looking for someone. Someone you know. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're related. Your brother, if I'm not mistaken."

Dennis suddenly got an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"I… I have lots of brothers. Which one do you mean?"

"You know which one." Brando answered with controlled sharpness. "The only one besides you who wasn't here yesterday. The little angry one. Ludo, I believe his name was."

"Uh… Ludo left home a long time ago. He could be anywhere in the Universe for all I know."

"Now, now, little one. It isn't nice to tell fibs." The older Kappa said as he circled the youth like a hungry shark. "I know you've been keeping an eye on him these last few months. Watching over him. Bringing him extra food and blankets without him knowing. Such compassion. Such loyalty. Are you sure you weren't adopted?"

"What do you want with my brother?"

"Oh, nothing much. I just want to talk to him. That's all. You see, I'm worried about him. I know he's not well. And I fear he's come under the influence of something very nasty. So I feel that it's my duty as a Good Samaritan to help him out. Perhaps we can help him out together? What do you say?"

"I… I don't know…"

"Come now, Dennis. Don't be skittish. I know you just saw him a few days ago. And I know he's hold up in some old ruins. But what I don't know is _where_ those ruins are. So why don't you be a good little boy and tell me where your brother's hiding before he gets hurt. Sound good?"

This time Dennis didn't answer. His mind just sort of went blank as a strange pressure started to envelope his head. It was like an invisible hand had reached into his brain and was sifting through his thoughts.

"Yes… Now I see it." Brando said with a sort of perverse delight. "An ancient temple… hidden in the clouds? No, on top of a mountain. But which one? Where is it? Tell me, boy. Tell me…"

 ** _BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!_**

Suddenly the elder Kappa jumped back and let out a terrified shriek.

"What was **_that_**?" he said in a panic as his eyes darted about the room. "A _dog_? No, can't be. They don't have one. But I heard one. **_I heard one_**!"

But while he continued to babble on like a paranoid fool, the feeling in Dennis' arms and legs started to return; suddenly he could move again. But more importantly than that, the strange pressure in his brain had gone as well; or at the very least it had grown weaker. Apparently whatever this Brando character had done to him it required a lot of focus, and being startled by that stray dog outside had been just enough to throw him off his game.

The young Kappa made a mental note to give that dog the biggest steak he could find; if he ever got out of this alive that is.

At any rate, with the spell broken and his captor hyperventilating on the floor, Dennis suddenly felt a lot braver. So, taking advantage of the situation, he put on the sternest face he could muster and shot the older Monster a glare.

"Alright, listen you!" He said, trying very hard to sound intimidating. "I don't know who you are or where you came from, but you'd better back off! So get out of my house and stay away from my big brother! Understand?"

Unfortunately, Brando didn't react to this the way he'd hoped.

Instead of backing down he just started laughing.

" _AH-HA-HA-_ _ **HA**_! Thanks, kid. I needed a pick-me-up." He said amusedly as he picked himself up off the ground. "You know your father tried that routine on me too. Only with him it was slightly less pathetic."

Once he was back on his feet, the elder Kappa cast another one of his mental spells; paralyzing Dennis once again.

"You know, I just don't understand you Kappas. I come here, offering you paradise, and you spit in my face. Where the **_hell_** do you get the ego?" he said, speaking as though he were of a different species. "I mean, what exactly are you so proud of? For eons you were nothing but scavengers. Lowly dish lickers feeding off the scraps of others. Then one day, against all odds, against all logic, you were given power and authority over all other Monsters. And what did you do? You blew it! You decided to act like spoiled, selfish jackasses and you lost everything!"

By this point all the amusement had left Brando's voice and all that remained was burning hatred.

" _What_ , in the depths of my madness, made me think that such a loathsome, wretched, contemptable species was worth preserving? What made me think you were worthy of living in **_my_** perfect world? _In_ _ **my**_ _Utopia_!"

The elder Monster paused for a moment, presumably to calm down, before he continued.

"Now, I'm gonna ask you one last time, and you'd better answer me, boy. Where. _Is_. **_Ludo_**!"

"I… I…" Dennis stammered, feeling the phantom hand seeping back into his brain.

"Yes… in the North… in the Jaggy Mountains." Brando purred sinisterly. "But that range is like a maze. So easy to get lost. I need an exact location. Give it to me!"

"I… I don't…"

"Don't fight me, boy. You'll only make this worse for yourself. So just give in and tell me where your brother 's hiding."

"I…"

"Yes~"

"I-I-I….  
" _Yes_ ~"

" _I don't think my brother wants to talk to you_!"

With a force of will he never knew he had, Dennis fought against Brando's paralysis spell just long enough for him to heave the heavy sack off his shoulder and dump its contents right in the older Monster's face.

" ** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH_**!" he howled in agony as the Murdoch Dust seeped into his eyes. " ** _GAAAAAAAAAH_**! **_YEHAAAAAAHH_**!"

As the elder Kappa disappeared into a cloud a powdered roots, Dennis felt his senses start to return; it was like a fog in his head he hadn't noticed until just then was being lifted.

Unfortunately, when his senses returned that foul odor from earlier came with them; only this time it was even more pungent than before.

And after forcing himself not to throw up, he soon found out why.

Suddenly, the young Kappa found himself standing in a mass of rotting corpses. Dozens upon dozens of his own kind where strewn across the floor in mutilated heaps. Blood and ichor had soaked into the floor, giving it the unpleasant stickiness of a movie theater. And on the far side of the room, a large black bird was perched upon the head of what had once been his mother; holding her one good eye between its beak.

" ** _RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR_**!" roared a familiar voice in unimaginable anger. " ** _YOU LITTLE BRAT_**!"

Just then, the cloud of Murdoch Dust started to disperse, and where once had been the older Kappa, now stood a much more horrifying creature.

In form, it resembled a Mewman, but only in the vaguest sense. With its body so withered and desiccated, it almost looked like a corpse itself. But its eyes, those sunken hate filled eyes, told him that this thing, whatever it was, was indeed still living.

"I'll kill you!" the creature snarled, showing off its mouthful of rotten yellow teeth. "Rat bastard! When I find you, I'll rip your head off!"

Luckily for him, the horrible thing had apparently not yet regained its sight; as evidenced by the way it kept stumbling around and clawing at the air with its jagged nails.

Without thinking, Dennis took advantage of this and made a mad dash for the front door. Within moments he was outside and with one mighty flap of his wings he took off; making a beeline for the upper atmosphere, in the hopes of escaping the corpse creature's psychic range.

Meanwhile, back on the ground, Brando was just starting to recover.

" _Ugh_ …" he groaned as his sight finally returned. "Wha… What happened? Where did he go?"

From out the nearest window, he could see Dennis' outline as he disappeared into the clouds.

"Damn it." He cursed softly, before calling to his faithful pet. "Mr. Jones!"

Almost immediately, the large black crow ceased his scavenging and flew over to perch on his master's shoulder.

" _KAAAW! KAAAW!_ "

"Follow that overgrown buzzard." He commanded. "Sooner or later, he'll go to warn his brother. And when he does, we'll have the Wand."

" _KAAW! KAAAAW!_ "

"Do what you want with the Kappas. But remember, I need the Wand undamaged. Do you understand?"

" _KAW! KAAAAAAAW!_ "

"Good. Now go!"

And with that, the black bird took off; first out the window and then into the sky.

" _Heh. Heh. Heh_. Good boy."

End Notes:

Finally, things are getting interesting.

See you in the next one.

Peace.


	7. Chapter 6

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all my fans out there. As usual, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. The song at the beginning is also owned by Disney. FYI. So without any further delay, enjoy!

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 6.

( _Ludo's Mountain Temple: Later that day_ )

 _Born on a mountain top in Tennessee~_

 _Greenest state in the Land of the Free~_

 _Raised in the woods so he knew ev'ry tree~_

 _Kilt him a be 'are when he was only three~_

 _Davy, Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier~_

It was an old song.

Older even than himself.

But it was a good song nonetheless.

One that he'd enjoyed since he was but a child sitting on his father's knee.

 _Fought single-handed through the Injun War~_

 _Till the Creeks was whipped an' peace was in store~_

 _An' while he was handlin' this risky chore~_

 _Made hisself a legend for evermore~_

 _Davy, Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier~_

Even in his darkest hours, no matter how grim the situation got, he could always remember this song and smile again.

It was almost like a magic spell that could banish all pain and sadness and replace them with hope and light.

Or at least that's how it had always felt to him.

 _He went off to Congress an' served a spell~_

 _Fixin' up the Govern'ments an' laws as well~_

 _Took over Washin'ton so we heered tell~_

 _An' patched up the crack in the Liberty Bell~_

 _Davy, Davy Crockett, seein' his duty clear~_

" _LEVITATO_!"

 _BONK!_

" _UGH_!" Jefferson groaned as he was jolted from his reminiscing by a sudden blow to the head.

It hadn't really hurt, but it had been just startling enough to shake him back to reality.

Or at least whatever passed for reality in his oh so bizarre life.

About ten feet away from where he'd been resting, the aged Stand User saw that his new 'master' Ludo was still practicing his levitation spell; just as he'd been doing when Jefferson had nodded off an hour ago. And, shock of all shocks, he wasn't showing any signs of improvement.

Floating close beside him, looking as bored and unimpressed as ever, was a tiny blue jinn like creature by the name of Glossaryk. According to Janna, the little fellow was some kind of all-knowing, mystical entity, who had once served as Star's mentor until Ludo kidnapped him several months ago. Although, for someone who was being held against his will, he seemed strangely chill about the whole situation.

But then, who was he to talk?

Anyway, as he watched the stubby birdman fail over and over again to cast the same simple spell, his young charge lumbered over from wherever she'd been hiding and took a seat beside him.

" ** _UGH_**!" she groaned; her tone and volume suggesting that she wanted some attention.

"Rough morning, Pookems?" Jefferson asked, half mockingly.

"I served quote-unquote _porridge_ to a thousand giant rats."

"That's great, hon."

"You're not listening to me!"

"No, I'm not." He admitted casually. "Sorry, kiddo, I'm a little distracted right now. I just… I just can't stop watching this guy fail. It's hilarious, but also kinda sad at the same time. It's like… you ever see that play by Bricusse and Newley? The one with the two guys in London and there was a kid and some random black guy. What was it called?"

"I hate you."

"No, that's not it. I think it had something to do with clowns."

"I said, _I hate you_!"

"I know, I heard you. But this is really starting to bug me."

"Well _you're_ starting to bug _me_!" the young Filipina snapped. "We've been enslaved by a homicidal maniac, and instead of coming up with a plan to get us out of here, you've just been sitting there like a king while I do all the work!"

"Now, history wasn't my best subject in school, but I don't remember Henry VIII ever having to tell bedtime stories to a talking bird." Jefferson countered calmly. "And for the record, I do have a plan to get us out of this. But it's gonna take some time. So for now, just calm the hell down and thank God he doesn't have you doing laundry."

"You know, if you'd just let me break his neck we'd be out of here in no time." Janna argued fervently. "He used to come to Earth all the time to hassle Star, so he's gotta have a pair of Dimensional Scissors. All we have to do is off the little freak, pick his pocket, and we can both be home by dinner time."

"And how do you know he keeps them in his pocket? Have you actually seen him take them out?"

"Eh… well, no. But…"

"Then for all you know, he could keep them in a locked box somewhere in the temple. And since you don't know the terrain, we'd most likely be torn apart by those rats before you could find it. Assuming Freddy and Mercury don't get to us first."

"Yeah, but I… wait, who?"

"Those two." Jefferson answered, gesturing towards the giant spider and eagle mulling about on the opposite end of the terrace.

"You… named Ludo's pets?"

"Yeah, little Caesar and I had a talk last night while I was tucking him in and we both agreed that just calling them 'Bird' and 'Spider' was bad for their self-esteem."

"You do remember we're being held here against our will, right?"

"Oh, lighten up, Creampuff. I've gotten out of worse scrapes than this. All it takes is a cool head, a silver tongue, and a clear understanding of your **_OW_**!"

Jefferson didn't even need to turn his head to know what had happened. Obviously Ludo had botched another of his levitation spells; sending yet another apple rocketing through the air at high speed. Only this time he'd gotten caught in the line of fire.

"You okay?" Janna asked, sounding only slightly concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine." The older Stand User replied, sounding more than a little annoyed. "Janna, would you excuse me for just a second. I gotta go take care of something."

And with that, he stood up and made his way towards his so-called 'master'.

"Pardon me, gents." He said in the most congenial tone he could muster. "So sorry to interrupt… uh… whatever you're doing. But I couldn't help but notice that you're having a little trouble with your levitation spell."

"Yes, well, that's to be expected." Glossaryk replied casually, floating up to meet the lanky Stand User eye to eye. "This is his first lesson, after all. You can't expect him to pick it up right away."

"Oh no, of course not, oh Wise One. I only meant that from over there, Lord Caesar was looking a bit tense. And that perhaps if he were to relax a little, then maybe his spellcasting would improve."

"My thought exactly." The little man agreed. "Unfortunately, Ludo doesn't seem to be the relaxing type. I don't suppose you've got any ideas."

"As a matter of fact, I do. Admittedly, I don't know all that much about Magic. But I'm something of an authority on abilities that feed off emotions. So I may be able to help. If you don't mind me subbing for you for just a bit."

"No, go right ahead. I welcome the input of strangers." Glossaryk replied in a tone that was both bored and sincere. "Besides, I'm well overdue for my next Pudding Break. So by all means, takeover."

And with that, the little man just floated off to who knows where; leaving Jefferson alone with his tiny 'master'.

How perfect.

"Hello there, Caesar." The lanky Stand User said warmly. "Still having a little trouble with that Wand of yours, I see."

"No, no trouble." The little birdman lied; clearly ashamed of his own inadequacy. "It's just a little… finicky. That's all. Just needs to be broken in some more. Give me another hour and it'll be right as rain."

"Oh, I'm sure it will. However, I know a little trick that should speed up the process. That is, if you feel up for it, Lord Caesar."

"Okay, before we go any further, I've just gotta ask you one thing." Ludo said abruptly, holding his free hand up to indicate his need for silence. "That word you keep calling me, what does it mean?"

"What? You mean Caesar?"

"Yes, that's the one. What does it mean? Are you mocking me? Because I'm your Master, and if you're mocking me you have to tell me so I can kill you for it."

"Me? Mock you? Oh, heavens no." Jefferson answered playfully. "Caesar was a tittle used by the Roman Emperors; the leaders of one of the greatest civilizations ever to exist on the planet Earth. And like you, they were well known for their sense of fashion. Often strutting about the capital in magnificent togas much like the one you wear."

At this shameless flattery, Ludo couldn't help but blush.

"I see…" he replied; trying to act as though he was unaffected by the tall man's words. "So these Caesars… were there all loved and respected?"

"Loved, Respected, and Feared."

"Excellent!" he said excitedly. "So, what's your idea?"

"Well… it's nothing all that revolutionary. But maybe if you weren't so tense you'd have much better control over your spells. Next time, why don't you try thinking about something pleasant. Something that makes you happy."

"Hmm… I don't know. Big picture, I wouldn't really say I'm a happy person. I'm more of an angry person."

"Oh come now. There must be something that makes you happy. For me it's a song I remember from my childhood. No matter how bad things get, all I have to do is think of that song and I feel completely at peace."

"But… I don't think I know any songs."

"It doesn't have to be a song. It could be something from your childhood. Maybe a memory about your family or…"

Jefferson paused for a moment when he saw the sour look on Ludo's face; clearly family was a no-go area.

"Or… it could be anything really. I mean, surely you can remember at least one time when you were happy."

"Hmm…" the little birdman went as his face contorted into a strange expression; obviously this was something he really had to think about. But after about a minute of this, he finally replied. "Well… there was one time."

"Yes?"

"It was right after Star threw me into the void. I drifted through the cosmos for what felt like years and then I ended up in a forest. At first it was awful. I was starving and everything wanted to beat me up. But after a while I learned how to survive on my own. I tamed the beasts who'd tried to kill me and I put them to work. I became the master of my own wild domain and for a while I was… at peace. Until…"

"Until you would that Wand." Jefferson finished for him.

"What are you implying, Jefferson?" Ludo asked suspiciously.

"Oh nothing, nothing. Say, why don't you try that levitation spell again. But this time try thinking about your time in the forest while you're doing it."

"Well… alright. I guess I'll give it a go. Never hurts to try, I suppose."

And with one final grumble of reluctance, the little birdman closed his eyes and held up his makeshift Wand with both hands. For several minutes, he just stood there; his expression one of deep concentration. But after a time his face started to soften. His brow unfurrowed and a surprisingly pleasant smile spread across his beak.

He looked almost… happy.

Suddenly, the sickly green glow from his Wand turned a deep purple.

And then he whispered,

"Levitato…"

All of a sudden, the little Monster's eyes snapped open; revealing a pair of glowing purple orbs. Seconds later, his entire body became enveloped in the same violet aura and he was lifted several feet off the ground. Before you could blink, several other objects, chunks of rock mostly, began to float as well; forming a sort of micro-orbit around the birdman and giving him the appearance of a tiny solar system.

But just as quickly as it appeared, the purple aura suddenly vanished and Ludo fell to the ground with a light thud.

Not that he seemed all that upset about it.

"Did you see that?" he exclaimed; sounding very much like an excited child. "I did it! I finally did it! I made something float! I made _me_ float! _I made me float_!"

"Don't let the excitement spoil your grammar, Caesar." Jefferson replied jokingly.

"Oh, but it's just so amazing! I can do Magic! Real, proper Magic! And I can do it better than Star!"

That last part probably wasn't true, but the old master saw no need to call him out on it.

And speaking of old masters, it was around this time that Glossaryk floated back into the scene.

"Not bad." He said to the lanky Stand User. "A little anticlimactic honestly, but not bad. You've successfully helped Ludo take his first step."

"Yes, but the first step is also the last step." Jefferson replied.

"So… you're saying he's already finished?"

"You kiddin'? He hasn't even begun."

"Yes, but… wait, what?"

"I'm just saying that Ludo has a lot of hard work to do before he can begin the hard work he needs to do."

At this, the blue jinn could only stare at him; looking completely dumbstruck.

"Huh…" he said after quickly regaining his composure. "You know, from the other side, that really is quite annoying."

Jefferson was about to ask what he was talking about, when a familiar feeling struck him like a blackjack to the back of the brain.

'No… it can't be.' He thought fearfully. 'Not here. Not in this dimension. It's impossible.'

Suddenly, the air was shattered by a thunderous and inhuman roar; one that shook the temple at its foundation and rattled the atoms in the Speedwagon's skull.

 ** _RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK_**!

"W-Wh-Wh-Wh-What was that?" asked Ludo, not even trying to hide how scared he was.

"A Stand User." Jefferson answered, sounding just as fearful. "And it does _not_ sound friendly."

End Notes:

I'm gonna try to get one more chapter out before New Year's, but I make no promises.

Either way, I'll see you when I see you.

Peace.


	8. Chapter 7

Happy New Year Everyone! And may 2019 be the best time of your life. As always, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. With that said, Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 7.

( _Right where we left off_ )

 ** _RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKK!_**

 ** _BOOOOOOOOOOOM!_**

 _CHING!_

 _CHING!_

 _CHING!_

 ** _RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!_**

The skies above were a cacophony of clashing metal and random explosions; interrupted only by the occasional bloodcurdling roar of some great, unseen hell beast.

Whatever was going on up there must've been a real sight to behold, but alas, the thick cloud cover prevented them from seeing any of it.

Not that Jefferson really wanted to; what with the pressure those clouds were giving off. It wasn't quite as intense as the bloodlust he'd felt from Chemical Romance, but there was a certain coldness to it that made his hair stand on end. It was less like murderous intent and more like pure malevolence.

Very unsettling.

And judging from the look on her face, Janna was picking up the exact same vibe.

"What the hell's going on?" she asked him; clearly trying very hard not to freak out. "How can there be another Stand User here?"

"I don't know. Maybe Chemical Romance caught one and sent it here after us. I mean, it wouldn't be the first time."

" _Cowards_!" howled Ludo furiously. " _Worms_! Get back here and fight for your master!"

At first, Jefferson had no idea what the tiny despot was yelling about, but after shifting his gaze away from the heavens he understood.

All across the temple, dog sized rats were fleeing by the thousands. Some were scaling down the side of the mountain. While others were jumping off the ledges with makeshift parachutes. In either case the situation was clear. Ludo's 'loyal' rat army was going AWOL and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.

Not that he didn't try.

"I command you! Get back here, you… you… _ratfinks_! _Traitors_! _Cowards_! _Bucktoothed Vermin_!"

 ** _BOOOOOOM!_**

Suddenly another explosion shattered the air; causing the temple to shake and rattle.

Moments later, a strange, vaguely human shaped object pierced the layer of clouds and plummeted towards the ground with the speed of a cannonball.

 ** _BOOOOOM!_**

Went the mysterious object as it collided with the opposite end of the terrace; sending up a great cloud of dust and debris as it did so.

His fears momentarily giving way to curiosity, Jefferson rushed over to see what had happened. To his immense surprise, he found that the object was in fact a large birdlike creature with a gnarled wing. In appearance, the wounded avian sort of resembled Ludo, only it was, as previously stated, much larger; about the size of an average adult human. And, unlike his 'master', this one had a pair of fully formed wings; or at least it did before something had broken, burned and partially melted the right one. And unfortunately, the aged Stand User had a pretty good idea of what that 'something' was.

" _Dennis_!" Ludo shouted frantically, having apparently followed Jefferson, as he dived into the tiny crater to join his injured doubleganger. "Dennis! Oh, sweet corn! Are you alright? What are you doing here? Why aren't you back at the castle?"

Slowly, the bruised and battered birdman opened his one non-swollen eye, and looked up at his much smaller counterpart.

"L…L-L…. Ludo?" he said in a hoarse, almost croaking voice. "Big Brother? Is that you?"

"Yes Dennis, it's me. But try not to move, alright." The tiny despot said to his apparently younger brother. "Just lay there and I'll have my servant fix you up in a jiffy."

"No… Ludo… you have to get out of here." Dennis replied, pausing for a moment to cough up a little blood. "Forget about me. Just run away… while you still can."

"Nonsense. It'll only take a second. Jefferson! Jefferson, where are y-oh, there you are. Jefferson, I command you to fix my brother, at once."

The lanky Stand User was about to comply, when he was cut off by another of Dennis' unpleasant coughing fits.

" _NO_ , Ludo, you don't understand! _Wheeze_. You have to get out of here right now. He's coming… _Wheeze_. _Wheeze_. …for you!"

"Who's coming?"

But before he could answer, the air was once again shattered by a horrifying sound.

 ** _RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!_**

"h-h- _Him_!"

Suddenly, a great gale swept across the terrace; knocking Jefferson down on his ass and punching a large hole in the clouds above.

And through that hole descended a creature from the darkest depths of your most twisted nightmares.

In form, it somewhat resembled a Pteranodon, only it was at least three times larger than science said it should have been. What's more, the beast had apparently been modified with parts from an old A-10 Thunderbolt; giving it a sort of retro-futuristic cyborg look that was both amazing and horrifying to behold.

"Oh… boy." Jefferson said in a tone that was both terrified and sardonic. "This can't possibly be good."

Slowly the flying behemoth descended from the clouds above; casting its massive shadow over the entire temple. Then, ever so slightly, the beast turned its head sideways so that one of its glowing purple eyes was staring directly at Ludo; or to be more accurate, at what he was holding.

" ** _WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND_**!" the creature yelled in a voice that was somehow shrill and husky at the same time. " ** _GIVE WAND_**! **_GIVE WAND NOW_**!"

"Janna!" Jefferson called to his young ward. "You and the animals take Ludo's brother down below. If I don't come and get you in thirty minutes, use Bangles to get as far away as you can."

"What are you, nuts!" the young Filipina exclaimed. "I'm not gonna just leave you here to…"

"That's an order, Janna!" he cut her off sharply; shooting her the most authoritative look he could muster.

" ** _GIVE WAND_**! **_GIVE_** **_WAND_**!" the flying battleship bellowed again; only adding to the tension.

Apparently realizing that her teacher wasn't fooling around, Janna used her Stand to suck Freddy, Mercury, and Dennis into their shadows.

"I hope you know what you're doing." She said to him worriedly, before quickly sinking into her own.

'So do I.' he thought to himself.

"So, what's the plan?" Ludo asked hopefully.

"I'll let you know when I think of it."

" ** _GIVE WAND_**! **_GIVE WAND NOW_**!"

With his heart racing and his brow dripping like a broken pipe, only one idea managed to bubble to the forefront of Jefferson's brain.

Unfortunately, it just happened to be the worst idea in the history of the human race.

'Well… here goes nothing.' He thought as he took a few steps forward.

"What are you doing?" asked his 'master'.

"I don't know. Just… just be ready for anything."

And with that, he just kept on walking until he was directly beneath the monstrous creature.

Then, ignoring every instinct for survival and commonsense he had, he shouted,

"Hey there, handsome!"

This immediately got its attention.

"Say, you seem like a nice, intelligent… eh… fellow." He said; clearly improvising. "Maybe a little rough around the edges. But hey, who cares about appearances? Am I right?"

" ** _WAND OR DIE_**! **_WAND OR DIE_**!"

"Okay… I'm sensing a lot of hostility here. You know, I could give you the number of a therapist friend of mine. He specializes in psychopathic birds and birdlike reptiles. So maybe he could…"

" ** _DIE_**!"

Having apparently had enough of Jefferson's ramblings, the cyber-saur opened its beak and fired a massive stream of purple energy right where he was standing. Fortunately, despite his age and years of self-inflicted chemical abuse, the lanky Stand User still had enough of the old 'razzle dazzle' to jump out of the way before it hit. And I do stress the word 'fortunately', because all that remained of the spot where he'd been standing was a huge smoking hole.

"Okay… that was pretty much the stupidest thing I've ever done."

" ** _DIE_**!"

Suddenly, a large door opened on the creature's back and from out of it came a swarm of tiny, thermos shaped projectiles that rained down upon the temple like exploding hailstones.

 ** _BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!_**

The mountain shook like a fancy gelatin dessert as the ancient ruin was repeatedly pelted with wave after wave of missiles. The air was filled with dust and chunks of flying masonry. Jefferson crawled on his stomach to avoid the attacks as best he could. But he knew this was an exercise in futility. Even if the bombs didn't get them, pretty soon the entire structure would collapse and they'd all fall to their doom.

'Oh well, at least Janna's safe.' He thought to himself as a tiny pebble whizzed past his forehead. 'She and the others are safe in the shadow world. So even if this whole place falls apart, they'll be okay. She's a smart kid. It might take a while, but she'll figure out a way to get back home. If I die, I die, but at least she'll live. I'm okay with this. I'm okay with this. I'm okay with… wait, why did the ground stop shaking?'

A fair question. And after a quick survey of his surroundings Jefferson got his answer.

The giant cyber Pteranodon… had gone.

"What the hell?"

"W-Wh-What happened?" Ludo asked, stepping out from behind a large chunk of one of the upper levels. "Where did it go?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe it…"

 _SHING!_

"What was that?"

 _SHING!_

"There it is again."

"Um… wasn't that ledge farther away a second ago?" the little birdman asked timidly.

And he was right. The ledge closest to them had somehow grown closer.

 _SHING!_

And closer.

 _SHING!_

And closer.

 _SHING!_

And closer!

"Oh _crap_!"

With a sudden burst of adrenaline, Jefferson scurried over to join Ludo in hiding behind his rock.

 _SHING!_

 _SHING!_

 _SHING!_

'Oh, this is bad! This is very, very, bad! This is extremely, overwhelmingly, **_not good_**!' he thought frantically as he attempted to make sense of the situation. 'Okay, Okay, think. Obviously, this guy has superspeed and some kind of indestructible blade. Most likely his wings.'

 _SHING!_

'And, unless I'm very much mistaken, our only means of escape is that door over there. Which is now blocked off by debris.'

 _SHING!_

 _SHING!_

'So, at the rate the terrace is being whittled away, I'd say we have less than a minute before that thing has us cornered and kills us. So in other words, _we're doomed_!'

 _SHING!_

 _SHING!_

 _SHING!_

"Jefferson!" Ludo screamed frantically. "The terrace is disappearing! What do we do?"

"Nothing we can do." He replied somberly. "That creep 'll be on us any second now. It's all over but the screaming."

" _What_? You're giving up! You call _that_ a plan?"

"Never said it was a plan."

"Jefferson, as your master, I order you to come up with a better plan!"

"Sorry, Caesar, but I got nothing. Looks like our time has finally run out."

" _BAH_! _BAH_ , I say! Well, if you're not gonna do anything, I'll just defeat that thing myself. I'll just… eh… um-er-uh… Oh, I know! I'll just blast him with my Wand! Simple as pie."

"That's not gonna work." Jefferson replied bluntly. "That thing's a Stand. Your Magic will pass right through it."

"What do your words even mean?"

"Uh… Look, it's too complicated to explain, but that thing isn't completely solid. It's like a… psychic projection. An energy construct made by another person. His real body is…"

Just then, the mother of all lightbulbs went off in Jefferson's brain.

"That's it."

"What?"

" _THAT'S IT_!"

"What? What's it?"

"The Stand User's body! The Kingsley Effect! That's how we can beat that thing!"

"You're not making any sense!"

"Okay, short version, the more powerful a Stand is, the closer the User has to be to maintain it. And based on what I've seen, I'm guessing that that thing must have a pretty short radius. So the User must be controlling it from the inside."

"So?"

" _So_ , Stands might be magic proof, but Stand Users aren't."

"Oh…. I still don't get it."

"Doesn't matter. Look, when I give the signal, just fire the biggest, most destructive magical energy blast your Wand can summon right at that bastard's chest."

"Okay… What's the signal?"

Jefferson was about to answer, when a familiar shadow fell over the motley duo.

The great behemoth was hovering right above them, and the terrace had been almost completely shaved away.

They were trapped like rats.

" ** _WAND OR DIE_**! **_WAND OR DIE_**!" it squawked in cold frustration. " ** _LAST CHANCE_**! **_LAST CHANCE_**!"

"Caesar… _now_!" Jefferson squeaked in terror.

"Now what?"

" _FIRE! STUPID! FIRE!_ "

"Oh right, the plan!"

And with that, the tiny birdman raised his Wand towards the beast and scrunched his face in concentration. Before long, the fractured gem at the head of the rod started to glow a sickly green as the mystic energies within neared their apex.

Apparently sensing the danger, the terrible pterosaur opened its massive beak and prepared to counter with its own devastating attack, but alas it was already too late. For moments later, Ludo let out a mighty grunt of exertion and unleashed an enormous stream of emerald colored fire that tore right through the heart of the great beast.

" _RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK_!" the creature howled in agony as its energy construct body went up in a blinding flash; forcing Jefferson to momentarily avert his gaze.

It took a few minutes for the light to die down, but when it finally did, the old master couldn't believe what he saw. There, flying right where the Pteranodon had been, was a small black bird; a crow, unless he was mistaken. Although, he supposed it could've been almost any kind of bird, given how burned the majority of its feathers were. Its beak was blacked and cracked, giving it the appearance of old charcoal. And its eyes were a strange milky grey color; presumably the result of severe retinal damage.

For several minutes, it just hovered in the air; its flaps growing steadily weaker with each passing second. Until finally it choked out one final call.

"k…k…k…kaaaw…"

And then its wings gave out and the little black bird fell; presumably to its death on the jagged rocks many, many miles below.

And as it dropped, Jefferson could only look on in amazement.

"Well… that's a new wrinkle."

End Notes:

Blah, Blah, Blah.

See you next time.

Peace.


	9. Chapter 8

Let's get this party started! Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Yadda. Yadda. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 8

( _Later that evening_ )

It had been over six hours since the defeat of the mysterious monster-bird and at long last things were finally starting to calm down.

Sure, things had been a little touch and go there for a while, what with Jefferson and Ludo being stranded on a tiny ledge on top of a mountain, but luckily for them, Janna had completely disregarded her teacher's direct orders and come to check on them the instant her half hour time limit had ended. From there, it took minimal effort on her part to relocate the entire group to the roof of the temple; where they could, in theory, safely plan out their next move without fear of something caving in on them.

But alas, I diverge from the point.

Night had fallen over Mewni and what little remained of Ludo's 'Empire' was huddled around a campfire generously provided by Glossaryk; who had conveniently finished his Pudding Break mere minutes after the battle had ended. It wasn't particularly cold, but after all the chaos they'd been through, avoiding the darkness as much as possible seemed like the wisest move. For the longest time, nobody said a word; opting to just sit in a circle and enjoy the peaceful silence. But after what felt like an eternity, Janna decided that she'd had enough of this and attempted to break the ice.

"So…" she said, pausing awkwardly to try and think of something to talk about. "That enemy Stand User turned out to be a bird. That's… weird. I thought you said only humans could have Stands."

"That's what I'd always assumed." Jefferson replied, sounding more than a little embarrassed. "I mean, when I was traveling through Asia and Africa, I'd heard stories about animals with supernatural powers. Lions that could breathe fire. Apes that could control plant life. Turtles that could turn into dragons. That sort of thing. But up 'til now I'd always assumed they were just legends"

"Well, then they must be pretty rare." Janna reasoned. "I mean, animals aren't like people. They don't understand the concept of keeping a low profile. And I'm for damn sure something like a crow with a death ray would get somebody's attention."

"Maybe. Or maybe we humans are so conceited that we refuse to believe that any other species is capable of achieving the same feats we can. So that even when someone does come across one of these Stand Wielding Beasts the account is written off as superstition and ignored." The older Stand User postulated. "But hey, what do I know? I'm just an old drifter. What do you think, Glossaryk?"

"I think you're too quick to jump to conclusions." The little blue jinn replied as he attempted to cook what appeared to be a glob of chocolate pudding over the open fire. "Did it ever occur to you that I might not 've been listening to anything you just said?"

"No, I didn't. How very inconsiderate of me." Jefferson said sarcastically, before shifting his focus onto Ludo. "So, Caesar, what do you think?"

But alas, 'Caesar' did not answer.

He just sat there; silently fidgeting.

"Hey Caesar, you listening or what? Hello~ _Ludo_!"

"Huh? What?" the little birdman said as he was suddenly shocked back to reality. "Oh, Jefferson. Sorry, what were you saying?"

"You okay, man? You seem a little… twitchier than usual."

"Oh… eh, I'm fine. I just… he really should've woken up by now."

Janna looked over to the far side of the campsite where Dennis was lying unconscious. It had been hours since Jefferson has used St. James Infirmary to repair his battered body and he still hadn't come to. Perhaps his brother was right to be worried.

"Hey, easy there, Caesar." The older Stand User said comfortingly. "I know what you're going through, but trust me. You're little brother's gonna be just fine."

"Then why won't he wake up?"

"Well… I don't really know. But don't worry. He didn't lose that much blood and he doesn't have any brain damage, so it's okay to just let him sleep for now."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. So calm down, okay? The best thing you can do for your brother right now is to relax, so that when he wakes up he'll see you at your best. Sound good?"

"Well… okay." Ludo relented, still sounding nervous and unsure. "I… I guess that makes sense."

And with that, the little cretin started to settle down.

But as she sat on her end and watched, Janna couldn't help but marvel at what she'd just witnessed. Usually, Jefferson was a sore headed old crank; when he wasn't being a wiseass, a pessimist, or a hopeless drunk. And yet, here he was, demonstrating a level of compassion and humanity that she didn't think was possible. Granted, she knew him to be a kind and somewhat honorable man at heart, in spite of his numerous flaws. But to see him show this much patience and understanding to someone who yesterday had basically enslaved him. It was like something out of a comic book.

"You okay there, Janna?" he asked, shaking her back to reality.

"Huh? What?"

"I asked if you were okay. You kinda spaced out there for a second."

"Oh, uh, yeah… I'm fine. I was just thinking about our next move. I mean, the elevator that goes down to the base of the mountain is gone, most of the halls and stairways are caved in, and to top it off, Ludo can't remember where he put his Dimensional Scissors. We're basically stranded here."

"It could be worse." Glossaryk said offhandedly. "That crow-monster could've set off the temple's self-destruct mechanism."

A sudden chill fell over the campsite.

"Uh… what?" the young Filipina asked in quiet alarm.

"Oh, did I not mention that earlier? Yeah, this temple has a self-destruct mechanism that could've easily been triggered by that monster's rampage. Sorry. I knew I was forgetting something."

"Why the heck is there a bomb in _my_ monster temple?" asked Ludo; momentarily letting his fraternal concerns give way to rage.

"It's not a bomb, it's a self-destruct mechanism. There's a difference." The blue jinn corrected.

"Okay, fine. Why the heck is there a _self-destruct mechanism_ in _my_ monster temple?"

"Funny story. True story, in fact. This temple was built centuries ago by Globgor, the self-proclaimed Prince of Darkness, for his beloved bride Eclipsa, the self-proclaimed Queen of Darkness, and their daughter Meteora, who would've been the self-proclaimed Princess of Darkness had things turned out better for her."

"Get to the point, Gandolf!" Janna spat caustically. "Tell us about the bomb!"

"You know, I really wish you wouldn't compare me to Gandolf. I'm nothing like Gandolf." The little man said; pretending to be offended. "One day, a thousand years from now, someone's gonna ask me what you were like and I'll say, 'Well, have you ever heard of Tracy Turnblad?'"

Once again, Janna's blood began to boil. She was just two seconds away from grabbing the little gremlin and crushing him into jelly. But luckily for both of them, Jefferson quickly stepped in.

"You were saying, Mr. Glossaryk?" he said politely.

"Uh… yes, I do believe I was. Anyway, to make a long story short, Eclipsa and Globgor were from two different worlds and as such, they knew neither side would let them stay together. That's why Globgor came up with a plan to destroy anyone who came after them. You see, on the bottom floor of the temple, there's a hidden storeroom filled with barrels of liquid Infernium, also known as Blasting Sauce."

"Hidden storeroom?" the young Filipina mused softly. "Wait, you don't mean that room with all the kerosene do you?"

"Yes, Infernium is a lot like kerosene, I suppose. Except it's magically enhanced so when it ignites the explosion is much, much bigger. And what with there being somewhere between three and five thousand barrels down there, I'd say one little spark could set off a blast equivalent to that of hydrogen bomb."

Suddenly, Janna felt very, _very_ sick.

If Jefferson hadn't noticed that smell yesterday, they and everything else within ten miles would've been blown to kingdom come.

She couldn't help but wonder if Chemical Romance had known about this little detail when she'd set her trap for them, or if it had just been a 'happy accident'.

When dealing with psychotics with superpowers, one can never really tell.

"Seems a bit excessive, don't you think?" Jefferson said, clearly thinking along the same line as his protégé.

"True, Globgor always did have a tendency to overreact. But then again, his Enemies List included the Magic High Commission and an entire army of Septarian Warriors, so I guess it pays to be prepared. Shame he never got a chance to use it. I doubt even the Lizard could've survived something like that."

Janna was about to ask who exactly this 'Lizard' person was, when she noticed something strange out of the corner of her eye. The fractured gem in Ludo's Wand was acting strange. It was glowing bright red and pulsating violently. Almost as if it were reacting to what Glossaryk had just said. She was about to draw everyone's attention to this when the tiny birdman interrupted her.

"Jefferson, tell me a story." He said in a soft yet whining tone.

"What? Now?" he replied confusedly. "A little early for bedtime, don't you think?"

"No, it's not that. I just… I'm still a little worried about my brother. And now that I know how close I came to getting blown to smithereens, my nerves are completely shot. But I was thinking, maybe, that one of your stories might help me relax. What do you say? _Please_ ~"

"Well… alright." Jefferson cheerfully acquiesced. "So what do you wanna hear? The Emperor's New Clothes? The Tale of Princess Kaguya? How about the Good Samaritan? That's a personal favorite."

"Why don't you tell us about yourself?" asked Janna, surprising everybody; including herself.

Naturally, the older Stand User was slightly taken aback by this.

"Uh… beg pardon?"

"I said, why don't you tell us about yourself." She repeated, sounding a bit sterner this time. "I mean, we've been working together all this time. You live in my house, you eat my food, you sleep with my mother, and I don't even know anything about you."

"I tell you kids stuff about me all the time."

"You tell us stories. Little snippets of information. Some of which contradict each other. In fact, your whole life seems to be nothing but contradictions. You say you attended some of the best schools in the country and yet you've been sleeping in bus stations most of your adult life. You have this vast network of contacts and allies all over the world and yet you don't have two cents to your name. You say you hate Hispanics and yet you've repeatedly shown that you have a great capacity for kindness and mercy; traits not usually found in people with racial prejudices. In short, nothing about you makes any sense and I want answers!"

Janna hadn't realized it until the very end, but she'd been shouting for most of her speech.

Needless to say, she was embarrassed.

"Wow…" Jefferson said, half shocked, half amused. "That's been building up for quite a while, hasn't it?"

"Yeah… I guess so." She replied; her chubby cheeks glowing like a furnace.

"You know, I don't recall ever promising to tell you kids anything about my past."

"I know, but…"

" _But_ … I suppose you do have a point. I mean, people who live and work together should know at least a little something about each other. And since we're obviously not going anywhere anytime soon, I might as well tell you now." The older Stand User said before adding. "But I warn you, my life is extremely complicated. And there are certain… facets of my past that you might find disturbing; maybe even horrifying. You sure you can handle that?"

"Dude, it's _me_ you're talking to." She answered; having regained a bit of her usual confidence.

"Fair enough. What about you, Caesar?"

"I haven't understood half of what's been said in the last two minutes, but I'm up for anything."

"Good answer. And you, Glossaryk?"

"Are you kidding? I adore lore building chapters. By all means, proceed."

"Okay… you asked for it." Jefferson said warily; pausing only briefly to let out a sigh. "Well, for starters, let me just say that everything I've told you so far is at least half true. Sometimes I exaggerate or leave out minor details, but I swear I've never outright lied to you. That said, I figure we better start with where it all began. In a place most people refer to as the Holy Roman Empire."

End Notes:

Thanks once again for all the comments and support.

See you next time and I love you all.

Peace.


	10. Chapter 9

I've been wanting to write this chapter forever. I hope you like it. Anyway, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. With that out of the way, Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 9

( _Right where we left off_ )

"It all started in 1659, when Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I appointed a young librarian by the name of Otto von Schnellwagen to the rank of Duke and gave him dominion over the tiny province of Adlerland, just south of Bavaria. Having grown up poor, and having earned his title through an act of heroism lost to the annals of history, Otto chose to dedicate his reign to serving the people of his duchy by improving the quality of their lives. In time, he became known as Otto the Benevolent and he was loved by all who knew him. And when he died his children carried on his legacy of selflessness and humanitarianism."

Jefferson began his story, his voice sounding unusually somber.

"My… My father used to tell me that story every night before I went to sleep. Otto was a family hero. But more than that, he was the foundation of everything we stood for. Charity, mercy, the betterment of mankind; for generations the Schellwagen Family dedicated themselves to helping people in any way they could. They were poets, painters, alchemists, philosophers, healers, and warriors. And because of them, Adlerland was the happiest and most prosperous duchy in the all the Empire. But then the Napoleonic Wars came and the Empire destabilized, forcing the family to flee to England for safety. They had to change their name to Speedwagon to help them assimilate, but still the family was not deterred. They used what money they'd brought with them to start a new business and within two years they were richer than ever. And following the example of their ancestors they spread their wealth around to anyone who needed it; building shelters for the poor, parks for young children, and museums and libraries for all to enjoy."

For a brief moment, he allowed himself a small smile as he reminisced, before his solemnness quickly returned.

"Then in 1877, my great, great grandfather Thomas Speedwagon moved the family to the States where he used his vast fortune to start the Speedwagon Foundation; a worldwide organization dedicated to medical research, environmental and archeological conservation, humanitarian aid, and a whole list of other great stuff. And for four generations, the Speedwagons led their foundation with honor and integrity. Serving as a shining example for all mankind."

Suddenly, a hint of bitterness and self-loathing crept into his voice.

"And then I came along and f***ed everything up."

Sorry, did I say a hint?

I meant a truckload.

Several truckloads.

"But it wasn't always that way. No, when I was young, I bought into all that family legacy crap. My father was a doctor who dedicated his entire life to finding a cure for cancer and I wanted to be just like him. I truly believed that it was my destiny to carry on the family name and perform some grand heroic deed that would cement my name in history."

"So, what happened?" asked Janna, sounding blunt yet pensive. "How'd you go from that to… well, _this_?"

"I grew up." He answered plainly; still carrying a tone of self-resentment. "As I got older and my parents sent me away to boarding school, I learned the true history of our world. And more importantly, I learned how little impact my family's efforts really made. For all the good my ancestors did, the world is still as violent and chaotic as it was back then. The means change but the ends stay the same. The rich are still oppressing the poor. Junkies are still poisoning themselves with narcotics. And people are still killing each other for one stupid reason or another. Eventually, I decided that people just weren't worth the effort and that old Otto would've been better off staying a librarian. And for a while I just sort of dropped off the radar, so to speak. I became distant and introverted. Emo, as you kids like to call it. But then during my junior year of high school, I met another kid who thought like I did. One who'd learned of humanity's true face and had found a way to profit from it. A young man by the name of Joshua Birnbaum."

"Wait, Birnbaum?" Janna said confusedly. "As in Jeremy Birnbaum? That obnoxious little twerp from Marco's karate class?"

"Well, last I heard, Joshua had his face blown off by a couple of overeager FBI agents, but I do vaguely remember him mentioning he had a brother with a fiancé. So maybe this Jeremy kid is his nephew or something. I don't know. Does it matter?"

"No, not really."

"Okay then. Anyway, Joshua and I were both seventeen when we first met and we hit it off right away. Probably because we had so much in common. I mean, we were both the sons of wealthy philanthropists. We both had big family legacies to live up to. And we were both disillusioned by humanity's selfish and self-destructive nature. But unlike me, Joshua had a plan to make that work for us. See, he'd made friends during one of his trips to South America. Very powerful and influential friends. Friends who were looking for young, ambitious, well-connected schnooks like me to help circulate their product up in the States."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, **_whoa_**!" Janna interrupted yet again; this time sounding more distraught than confused. "You're not talking about drug dealers are you?"

"Unfortunately, I am." He admitted; sounding deeply, deeply ashamed. "I don't know the exact details, but somehow Joshua had become very close friends with a Columbian drug lord by the name of Alejandro Escobar; better known as the White Snake. He was young, ruthless, and infinitely ambitious. He had devised a new method of transporting his product into the US that that had the DEA running in circles. The only problem was that once it got there they couldn't move it without tripping someone's radar. That's where Joshua and I came in. As the sons of two of the country's most celebrated philanthropists, we were above suspicion. And more importantly, thanks to our connections and pedigrees, we had access to places that ordinary people couldn't go. All we had to do was meet up with one of Escobar's couriers once a month to pick up the stuff, and then we'd peddle our wares at some high society party or some other crap like that. Escobar got 70% of whatever we made and we got to keep the rest. All things considered, it was a pretty tight operation."

"Okay… but why did you do it? Your parents were rich. Why would you need to make money selling drugs?"

"It wasn't about money, kid. It was about independence. Joshua and I had no interest in wasting our lives helping people. We just wanted to be free to do whatever the hell we wanted, but we knew our fathers would never allow it. We knew that if we just sat back and continued to play the dutiful sons, our father's would've roped us into their organizations; shackling us down with endless work and responsibilities. So to avoid that, we decided to raise our own fortunes. That way we wouldn't need our parent's money and we'd be free to live like kings."

"So, what happened?" Janna interrupted for the third time. "No offense, but obviously things didn't work out for you."

" _Sigh_. No they did not. But not because of any… technical difficulties. Escobar's system was all but flawless and with Joshua laundering our money through an offshore account, the only potential risk was our customers, but they were all such stuck-up, old fashioned blue bloods that they'd 've rather killed themselves than admit they bought coke from a couple of minors. No, for a while everything was running like a well oiled machine. And nobody suspected a thing. Not my parents. Not my teachers. Not the whole damn US government. Nobody. By the time I turned 21 I was over halfway to funding my new life."

"So again I ask, what happened?"

"Well… things didn't start to go bad until my third year at Harvard. I… I don't really remember exactly how it happened. Maybe I got curious. Maybe Joshua dared me. Or maybe some of the stuff just got stuck under my nails. I don't know. But somehow I got addicted to our product, and that shed a whole new light on things. Before, Joshua and I used to make fun of the guys who bought our stuff. We used to laugh and say that if you were stupid enough to snort this stuff you deserved to die. But oh **_god_** , when you're feeling it yourself. The manic highs and lows. The random cardiac arrests. And the withdrawals. Oh sweet lord, those withdrawals. It made me realize what I'd been doing to people all those years."

"So, what? Your conscience got the better of you, and you tried to turn everybody in to the DEA?"

"No, I just started stealing a little of the product for myself without telling anyone."

"You stole drugs from a drug lord? What school did you say you went to again?"

"Hey, I said I went to Harvard. I never said I was smart."

"Fair enough. So you were saying?"

"Yeah, well… as you can probably imagine, my not so secret cocaine addiction started causing trouble for me at school. My assignments started coming in late, and then not at all. Plus, I may have caused one or two… or twelve… public disturbances that ended up getting me expelled from the university. Of course by then my parents suspected I had a drug problem and tried to get me into rehab. But, because I was a selfish little prick, I refused, took my dad's car without asking, and drove it into a fire hydrant… and into a stop sign… and into someone's front porch… and over nine front lawns. By the time the cops found it, I had already ditched it in a ravine. And since the car was in my father's name, and since nobody had reported it stole, they assumed that he'd been the one driving. So they arrested him… during a charity banquet for a children's hospital… in front of the press… and over half our Christmas card list."

"Good God." Said Janna, sounding both amazed and disgusted.

"I tell ya… growing up, my old man was a pretty easy going guy. Firm, but fair. Hardly ever raised his voice. Never once struck me, even when I was asking for it. Everyone used to call him Saint Robert. _Sigh_ …. But I guess even saints have their breaking points. Because when he finally came home after making bail he chased me around the house with a baseball bat. When he finally calmed down I told him everything. The coke, Escobar, even Joshua. Oh _God_ , the look he gave me when I finished. He looked at me like I'd just shattered the Ten Commandments. He asked me how I could profit off the pain and suffering of others. I told him that all our ancestors were idiots for wasting their money on the poor. And… that was it. After that, he just wrote me a check and said I was out of the family."

Upon remembering this, Jefferson averted his gaze from the others and let out a deep, almost mournful sigh.

"Oh man…" Janna said softly; seeming to sense his inner turmoil. "Jefferson, are you…"

"I'm fine." He cut her off bluntly. "Anyway, at the time I didn't really care. All I'd ever wanted was to separate myself from my family. And with all the money I'd made selling coke, plus my dad's half a million dollar check, I finally had enough to set myself up anywhere I wanted. But first, I decided to celebrate. So I grabbed the last of the cocaine I'd squirreled away and spent the night in the VIP Room at my favorite strip club; the Golden Crocodile. For one brief and shining moment, I was on top of the world. Then Joshua showed up, looking pissed as all hell. Turns out Escobar had found out I'd been stealing from him. I told him I was willing to pay it all back, but Joshua said that wasn't good enough. Apparently I'd been making too much noise with all my coke fueled jackassery and the DEA was finally starting to get wise. He said the only way to make things right was for me to disappear. So he pulled out a gun and shot me right in the chest."

"Good Heavens!" Ludo squeaked with fright. "Were you killed?"

At this incredibly stupid question, the aged Stand User just rolled his eyes and said,

"No, Caesar, I wasn't killed. It was a tranquilizer gun. And a pretty powerful one too. I didn't wake up for two whole days. And when I finally did, I found myself somewhere in southern Japan, in a little town called Morioh."

End Notes:

And that's Part 1 of Jefferson's thrilling backstory.

Stay tuned for Part 2.

Until then, don't forget to fav, follow, or leave a comment before you leave.

See you next time.

Peace.


	11. Chapter 10

As promised, here is Part 2 of Jefferson's thrilling backstory. As always, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Blah, Blah, Blah, Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 10

( _Right where we left off_ )

"Wait, wait, wait. Something's not adding up here." Janna interjected. "You stole from a drug lord _and_ got him in trouble with the DEA, and as punishment he had you banished to another country? Not that I'm complaining or anything, but wouldn't it have been easier to just… you know… kill you?"

"Yeah… that's always kinda bugged me too." Jefferson admitted. "Maybe Joshua couldn't bring himself to kill me so he dumped me in Japan to save my life? Or maybe Escobar just wanted to prolong my suffering as much as possible? I don't know. And since they're both dead, I guess I never will. But either way I was in deep trouble. Joshua had taken everything from me; my driver's license, my passport, my credit cards, everything. There I was, stuck in the most obscure town in a largely non English speaking country over five thousand miles from home with no identification, no money, and no means to feed my cocaine addiction. By all rights, I should've been dead within a month."

"So then how did you survive?" the young Filipina asked with a subtle hint of urgency.

"It wasn't easy." The older Stand User admitted. "Those first few months were some of the worst of my entire life. With no money and no way to communicate with the locals, I had to cope with the withdrawal symptoms all on my own. The depression, the weakness, those god awful waking nightmares. Most days I couldn't even draw up the strength to crawl out of my alley to look at the sun. For the longest time I was certain I was gonna die. But then one day I started feeling a little stronger. And even stronger the day after that. Two weeks later I was finally strong enough to leave that damned alley and I swore I'd never go back."

Jefferson paused for a few minutes to take a swig from one of Ludo's canteens. He'd been talking for so long that his throat was getting dry.

" _Ah_ , much better." He said with mild satisfaction. "Now then, as I was saying. Even with most of my strength back things weren't so easy for me. I didn't speak a word of Japanese so even asking people simple things like the names of streets was like pulling teeth. It took a while, but after another six months I managed to glean enough of the language to fake my way through simple conversations. After that things got a little easier. The locals got used to me and I became something of a fixture around town. A Morioh Regular, if you will. I even managed to earn a little money doing odd jobs for people. But ultimately I was still just a bum. And without any kind of ID, I had no way of proving I was an American Citizen. I was trapped in that town for six long years. I thought I was never gonna see home again. But then one day everything changed."

Once again, he paused for a moment to take another swig of water. It had been a long time since he'd talked this much.

"It was the summer of 1999, late June to be exact. I had just finished fixing some old lady's fence and I was on my way to pick up some ramen for lunch. Then, just as I was turning a corner… _WHAM_! Something stabbed me right in the shoulder. Broke my damn collar bone. Before I even knew what had happened, I was on the ground with an arrow sticking out of me; screaming my friggin' head off. Then there was this bright… yellow flash of light that seemed to just… burst right out of me. It was like my body exploded and reassembled itself all in the span of two seconds. And then… and then there were these two men standing over me… talking. I couldn't understand what they were saying, but I shouted at them, begged them to please help me. One of them just smiled and ripped the damned thing out of my shoulder. And then they just left me there to bleed to death."

"Did you ever find out who they were?" Janna asked inquisitively.

"Nope… not that I ever really tried. I had a lot more… pressing concerns to deal with. Anyway, the next thing I knew, I was waking up in a bed at the local free clinic. Apparently someone had seen the whole incident and gotten me to a doctor before it was too late. Once again I'd survived by the skin of my teeth. I stayed at the clinic for about two weeks while I regained my strength. At first everything seemed normal, aside from a few… visions I couldn't quite explain. But then one day, as the doctor was taking out my stitches, his hand slipped and he ended up stabbing me right in the shoulder. And from that sudden jolt of pain my Stand first emerged."

To help emphasize his point, Jefferson raised his arms and allowed a familiar pair of purple pit vipers to burst forth from them.

"Obviously, I had no idea what was going on, so when these babies started crawling out of my arms, naturally, I freaked out. Of course, since nobody else could see them, everybody thought I was just crazy. Hell, even I thought I was crazy. The doctors all tried to sedate me, but I gave them the slip. Then I got the hell out of there and I just kept on running. I ran and I ran for God knows how long, until finally I collapsed in a corn field."

"What do you mean no one else could see them?" Ludo spoke up suddenly. "Why couldn't they see your snakes?"

"Because Stands are invisible and can only be seen by people who have them." Jefferson explained.

"But I don't have one and I can see yours just fine."

Needless to say, the elder Stand User was a little thrown off by this shocking development.

For the first time since meeting him, Ludo had made an intelligent observation.

Highly unprecedented.

And what's worse, Jefferson didn't have an appropriate response.

Fortunately, Glossaryk stepped in to spare him from the embarrassment of having to admit this.

"Actually, I have a theory about that." The little jinn chimed in; sounding only half interested in the conversation. "You see, most Mewnian Monsters share attributes with either an animal, vegetable, or mineral. And since plants and animals are more attuned with the natural world and can therefore sense things that ordinary people can't, it makes sense that Ludo, being part bird and part reptile, would be able to see Stands despite not having one himself."

A stunned silence fell over the campsite.

"What? You wouldn't let me talk for like, eleven whole minutes. I had plenty of time to think."

"So you weren't paying attention to Jefferson's story at all?" Janna asked annoyedly.

"Well… I heard the part about his ancestor Otto, but then I got bored when I realized I wasn't in the story, so I stopped listening."

"You are just the worst kind of person."

"Not even a person, technically."

"Wait… I'm part reptile?"

" ** _Hey_**!" Jefferson shouted at the top of his voice; instantly regaining their attention. "Do you morons wanna hear my life story or not?"

"Yes, Sir." They all answered in unison; except for Glossaryk who muttered "Not really."

"Okay then." The elder Stand User said before he continued. "Now, as I was saying, I'd collapsed in a cornfield somewhere outside of Morioh. But when I came to, I found myself somewhere else entirely. To be exact, I was on the balcony of a large, ornate crystal palace hovering over what appeared to be the surface of Mars. For a few moments, I thought I was dead. But then I met the owner of the palace, a fellow vagabond by the name of Ryuga Hideki. And from then on out, my life just got weirder and weirder."

Jefferson paused yet again; his throat was starting to ache a little.

"Now, as I'm sure you've already guessed, Hideki was a Stand User; the first one I'd ever met. And the first of many who'd teach me what it meant to be one. And after I'd gotten over the initial shock, he gave me the basic rundown; what Stands were, how they work, how other Stand Users were gonna be hunting me down the rest of my life, the whole ball of wax. But more importantly, he taught me the one thing… no, the _only_ thing anyone needs to know to get by in this crazy world. It's not what you know, it's _who_ you know. With the right friends and the right connections, even a bum can live like a king. So after spending another week or so in his pocket dimension, Hideki introduced me to a pilot friend of his who offered to take me to Hong Kong to meet a master who helped me figure out what my Stand could do. And once he had finished helping me out, he introduced me to another master who taught me how to Overlay. And thus I began my world tour. From Hong Kong to Singapore. Singapore to Kolkata. And then across India to Pakistan. Pakistan to Iran. Iran to Saudi Arabia. And finally across the Red Sea to Egypt. Once in Cairo, I spent the next eighteen months learning from an old imam, who taught me many things; including the history of Stands on the African Continent. Turns out that Africa has the highest percentage of natural born Stand Users in the world. That got me curious, so I asked him to introduce me to other scholars and historians, to help me unravel the mysterious origins of the Stand. And from there I went across the Mediterranean to Italy. Then onward to Switzerland, Germany, and the Netherlands. Life was just one grand adventure after another."

Jefferson had been so excited by this part of his story that he'd barely noticed the uncomfortable dryness in his throat. But that excitement quickly turned to sorrow when he remembered what came next.

"By the time I reached England it was early February, 2010. I remember because I was excited to be among English speaking people again and I wanted to hook up with a British chick on Valentines Day. I spent a few months living with this guy, Ralph Poindexter. We had a lot of good times me and him. But then later that same year, mid-July I think, I got the worst news of my life. Both my parents were dead. Apparently my mother had a heart attack two years after I disappeared, and my father, unable to live without her, swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills almost a year later. It was like a kick straight to the gut. Both of my parents had died thinking I was a selfish, hateful waste of human life. They'd never know what I'd learned, what I'd been through, or about any of the progress I'd made as a person. It… it was just too much. I didn't know how or why, but I knew I needed to go see their graves. If for no other reason than just to tell them how sorry I was."

Jefferson paused yet again, only this time it was to wipe a tear out of his eye.

"Anyway, Ralph understood where I was coming from, so he pulled some strings to have me smuggled back into the states on a cargo plane. Unfortunately, there was some kind of mix up with the flight plan. So instead of going to Boston, I ended up in Tierra del Fuego; within spitting distance of the South Pole. And just like that, I was back to square one. No money, no resources, and no way to get out of the country except on my own two feet. A fitting start… to a year of living hell."

End Notes:

Tune in next time for the Third and Final installment of, "The Life and Times of Jefferson Speedwagon".

After that, the regular plot will resume.

Until then, thanks for reading and Ill see you in the next one.

Peace.


	12. Chapter 11

The views expressed in this chapter do not necessarily reflect my own. So I don't wanna hear any flak from any SJW wannabes just trying to get attention. Alright? With that said, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Yadda. Yadda. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 11

( _Right where we left off_ )

"You know, I met a lot of people during my travels. Some of them helped me. Some of them tried to kill me. Most of them just spoke to me once and probably forgot about me two minutes later. But no matter what they did, each and every one of them helped make me the man I am today. For without those encounters I never would have realized how limited my thinking had been. As a child, I'd internalized the stories my father told me and embraced the idea that people were inherently good and that it was my destiny to help them. But then as a youth I learned of humanity's sins and rejected everything my family stood for. It wasn't until I reached adulthood that I finally realized that neither my father nor my teachers had been completely correct. In truth, man is both a fallen angel and a rising ape. The potential for both good and evil exist in everyone, and the criteria for either is too complex to simply write off an entire species as one or the other." Jefferson explained as his voice suddenly grew even more bitter. "Unfortunately, my time in South America did nothing but prove the contrary."

The elder Stand User paused for a moment, as the unpleasant memories washed over him like a tidal wave.

"By the time I ended up in Tierra del Fuego I'd amassed over a hundred allies and recorded all of their contact information in a little black book. At any given time I could call upon the best and brightest on three continents to help me out of almost any situation. But despite having such vast resources, my journey back to the United States was a living nightmare. None of my contacts were of much help to me in South America. Occasionally, one of them was able to grease the palm of some corrupt politician or military official to allow me to cross certain borders, but for the most part I was on my own. And with very little money in my pocket at the time, I was back to scrounging just to survive. So I stuck mainly to the slums and low rent districts to avoid any unwanted attention. And it was in those places that I saw things that still haunt me to this day."

"What did you see?" asked Janna, sounding almost fearful of the answer.

"Human nature." Jefferson replied bluntly. "The true, ugly face of man. Granted, I was no stranger to it. I'd learned all about it in school and seen it first hand on three continents. But up 'til then I'd always had a more rounded experience. Seeing the best and worst of each new culture I encountered. But during my time with the Latinos I only saw the worst. I saw drug dealers feed an old man to a bunch of pit bulls. I saw paramilitaries torture a young woman until she bit off her own tongue. I saw so-called 'policemen' gun down a group of children for 'collaborating' with the cartels. And a long list of other such atrocities that would turn the stomach of even the most hardened nihilist. But it's not so much the acts of violence that haunt me as it is the people who committed them Those Latinos. So used to living in squalor. So used to the violence, the corruption, the cruelty. It's like they'd forgotten how to be human. Forgotten how to love thy neighbor or how to do unto others and all that jazz. Hell, I can't even call them people anymore. Nothing but rats. Filthy human cockroaches. Every last one of them. Some days I wish the seas would rise up and drown every square inch of land south of Texas."

Jefferson caught himself before his speech devolved into a delusional rant and paused for a moment to allow the venom in his blood to subside.

"Sorry… I know, morally, that it's wrong to condemn an entire race for the sins of a few. And likewise, I understand that racism in itself is illogical and has no place in a civilized society. But I just can't let it go. After spending most of my life as a cynic, my experiences in Asia and the Middle East taught me how to see the good in people again. But all throughout Latin America I saw only ugliness. No random acts of kindness. No tiny shreds of decency. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. And so my newfound optimism soon gave way to harsh reality, and by the time I finally made it to the southern tip of Mexico, I was but a festering ball of pure hate. And I nearly died because of it."

The older Stand User paused once again to calm himself down before continuing.

"By the time I reached Mexico I'd been traveling for a little over eleven months, and with the US finally within sight, I steered clear of the general population as much as possible; lest I see something that finally made me snap. But unfortunately things didn't go as planned. While I was hunkered down in this little town somewhere in rural Oaxaca, I ran into a familiar face; namely Escobar's. I spotted him from across the street one day while I was foraging through a trash can and suddenly all the rage that had been building up for months came boiling to the surface. Finally I had a target for my hatred. And more importantly, it was one I could justify rationally. Escobar had been the cause of all my suffering and he was responsible for addicting thousands, if not millions of innocent people to his poison. I could slit his throat and no one would even care. So I followed him for hours, just waiting for the perfect chance to strike. Eventually he led me to an underground cockfight in an old abandoned storm cellar. I thought that with such a big crowd and with everyone's attention on the center ring it would be easy to just sneak up behind him, stab him right through his black heart, and slip away in the confusion."

"But, you didn't go through with it, right?" Janna asked almost fearfully.

"No, kid, I didn't. _Sigh_. But not because I didn't want to. I was just so blinded by rage that I didn't stop to think things through. If I had, I would've realized that someone of Escobar's standing would never go anywhere without bodyguards. Next thing I knew, one of those Latin gorillas had me in a chokehold and Escobar was glaring daggers at me. Funny thing though, it wasn't really Escobar. Well, it was, but not the one I knew. It was his older brother Joaquin and he was not happy to see me. Turns out Joshua wasn't exaggerating when he said I'd been making too much noise. Apparently three months after I disappeared, the feds caught one of Escobar's couriers and got him to spill the beans on the whole operation. Dismantled his whole empire in less than two years, and the White Snake himself ended up doing a swan dive off his five story mansion just to avoid prison. And now Escobar the Elder wanted revenge. He blamed me for his brother's death and planned on taking it out of my hide. Literally. He said he was gonna skin me alive and throw me into a field of cacti. I could almost see that straight line of zeros. I thought for sure I was a deadman. But luckily that's where Brian jumped in."

"Brian?" Janna asked confusedly.

"Yeah, you know, Diaz' old karate teacher. Remember, I told you this part before. Joaquin was about to start carving me up like a turkey, when out of nowhere he jumps in, drunk and/or stoned out of his mind, and starts beating up everybody like it was an action movie. I didn't know what the hell was going on and I didn't care. I just grabbed on when he told me to and we got the hell out of there. We had to spend the night in a ditch, but eventually we lost 'em. Then when he finally sobered up the next day we got to talking and, surprisingly, we really hit it off. Naturally, I couldn't tell him the real reason those guys were trying to kill me, so I made up a story about stepping on someone's rooster. He bought it and we spent the next few weeks bonding while he helped smuggle me back into the states. Once we were finally over the boarder we parted ways and I headed straight for Boston."

"So what happened?" asked the plump Filipina with a subtle hint of urgency. "Did you go to the Speedwagon Foundation and tell them you were still alive?"

"No, kid, I didn't." he replied hollowly. "Although I did consider it. I even had one of my contacts introduce me to a lawyer who was certain he'd found a legal precedent that would've let me argue that my parents weren't in their right minds when they disowned me. He assured me that within one year I'd be running the Speedwagon Foundation and have all the money I could ever want. _Sigh._ But at the last second I decided not to go through with it. The Foundation was running just fine without me and a lengthy legal battle could've crippled its philanthropic efforts for years, maybe even decades. No, I wasn't the same stupid kid who sold cocaine to WASPs and I wasn't gonna ruin anyone else's life just to fill my pockets. So, after paying my respects at the family mausoleum, I left Boston forever and started bumming around the country. Eventually, I made the acquaintance of Dale Biederbeck, the guy who runs that Stand User database I told you about, and after helping him out with some legal problems he was having with the Disney Corporation, he offered me a chance to lead a semi-normal life."

"Wait, Wait, Wait. Back it up." Janna interrupted. "What kind of 'legal trouble'?"

"Eh… I'll tell you when you're eighteen. Anyway, once I performed my… 'service' for him, Dale made me an offer. He said he could set me up somewhere where I could live the rest of my life in peace, without fear of being attacked by another Stand User. At first I didn't believe that such a place could exist, but then he showed me his records and I knew he wasn't just blowing smoke. According to his information, this place not only had the lowest percentage of Stand related incidents in the entire country, but it was also so overshadowed by its neighboring city of Los Angeles that it was almost completely beneath the notice of even the most experienced traveler. By God, it was perfect."

"Wait, are you talking about Echo Creek?"

"Yeah, it seemed perfect at the time. Shame Dale didn't know anything about Chemical Romance, otherwise I would've gone with my second choice and moved to Mobile, Alabama. But anyway, after I was convinced he went ahead and made all the necessary arrangements. Made me a new ID, birth certificate, social security number, the whole magilla. He even set me up a bank account with enough scratch to last me until I found a job. So, with a new background and a new name, I settled down in Echo Creek, where I thought I could live out the rest of my days in peace and quiet. Right up until Star walked in front of my car. And the rest, as they say, is history."

With his story finally complete, Jefferson let out a long sigh of relief and took another swig from Ludo's canteen. His throat was killing him. It had been years since he'd told anyone even a fraction of that story. And even longer since he'd needed to say anything to anyone for such an extended period. It was murder on his vocal chords. And yet, the aged Stand User couldn't help but feel as though a tremendous weight had just been lifted off his shoulders. For the first time since… he couldn't remember when, Jefferson Speedwagon felt almost totally at peace with himself.

Unfortunately, this inner tranquility was soon shattered by a random question from his young protégé.

"What did you mean by, 'that straight line of zeros'?" Janna asked bluntly.

"Eh… what?"

"Earlier, when you were telling us about how Joaquin almost killed you, you said you could almost see a straight line of zeros. What does that mean?"

"Oh… y-you noticed that?" he replied nervously; mentally kicking himself for letting that slip. "It's… uh… it's just an expression, kiddo. You know, like 'kicking the bucket' or 'buying the farm'."

"Really? I've never heard of it."

"That's… because it's rarely used in English. In fact, it's used almost exclusively in Poland."

"But you never lived in Poland."

"Did I say Poland? I meant Belgium. _Belgium_."

"You never lived in Belgium either."

" _Germany then_!"

"I'm not buying it." The plump Filipina said stubbornly. "I know you're hiding something, so fess up."

"I… I'm not hiding anything."

"Jefferson, you've lived with me this long. You know what I'm willing to do to get my way."

"Okay, okay, I'll tell you. But only if you swear you'll never repeat this anyone."

"Fine, I swear."

" ** _This isn't a joke, Janna_**!" Jefferson yelled harshly in spite of his aching throat. "If I tell you this, you have to take it to your grave! You can't ever tell **_anyone_**! Not Diaz! Not Jackie! Not even your mother! You got it?"

"Okay, I'm sorry." She replied, almost timidly. "I swear on my life that I'll never tell anyone."

"Good. Now what about you two idiots?"

"All my fiends are right here. I have no one else to tell." Ludo admitted rather bluntly.

"And I'm barely listening to you anyway." Said Glossaryk.

" _sigh._ Good enough." The aged Stand User said wearily before he proceeded to reveal his deepest and most heavily guarded secret. "You see, the truth is…. I… sort of have a… clock in my head."

End Notes:

And that's the end of Jefferson's backstory. But not quite the end of his tale.

The next chapter will finally reveal the meaning behind this story's tittle.

But until then, thanks for reading and I'll see you next time.

Peace.


	13. Chapter 12

Not much to say, so let's get started. Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 12.

( _Once again, right where we left off_ )

A stunned silence fell over the campsite following Jefferson's rather shocking confession.

Janna needed several moments just to process it.

"You… have a clock… in your head?" the plump Filipina asked confusedly. "What the hell does that even mean?"

"Remember when I said all Stands come with some kind of weakness or drawback? Well, the clock is a part of mine." The older Stand User explained. "See, it's not so much a clock, as it is a digital readout. Think of it like one of those big countdown clocks that stores use around Christmas time."

"Okay… so what does your clock mean? What is it counting down to?"

"Well, I won't know for sure until it hits zero. But if I had to guess, I'd say it's telling me how long I have left to live."

A sudden chill came over Janna; as if an icy hand had just grasped her heart.

"And… how long does it say you have left?" she asked timidly.

"As of right now," Jefferson began as he closed his eyes. "Thirty-four years, nine months, two weeks, three days, six hours, and… eleven minutes."

Almost immediately the chill in her heart began to fade.

Almost thirty-five years.

Not too bad, factoring in his age and his vices.

And all things considered, it was a pretty long time.

More than enough time to…

"So, I guess this means you won't live past eighty." The plump Filipina said, trying to pretend that this news didn't rattle her. "Still, you've got almost another thirty-five years left. That's not too bad."

"Yeah, if all goes well."

"What does that mean?"

"The clock isn't omniscient, kiddo. It only says how long I have to live if I were to die a natural death. I imagine if something unexpected happened, like if I suddenly got shot in the head or struck by lightning, the countdown would automatically hit zero. Plus, there's lots of ways I can lose time."

"L-Lose time?" Janna stammered uncomfortably. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, usually the clock is pretty consistent; counting down one second at a time. However, there are certain… 'actions' that can take away large chunks of time all at once. One cigarette usually costs me about twelve minutes. And alcohol, depending on how much I drink, can cost me anywhere between thirty seconds and seventy-two hours."

All at once, the unpleasant chill from before returned as Janna suddenly realized what this implied.

"B-B-But you do that stuff all the time." She stuttered distraughtly. "You know all this and you still drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney. Are you… are you _trying_ to kill yourself?"

"What? No! God no!"

"Then why? Why do you do this to yourself?"

"Because it's the only thing that stops me from killing myself!"

Needless to say, that had been the last thing she'd expected him to say.

So naturally, it took Janna a moment or two just process this new information.

"What?" she said at last, sounding utterly stupefied. "That doesn't even make sense."

" _Sigh_. Kid, in case my story didn't make this clear to you, I've seen some serious s*** in my time. Stuff that would turn even an occult loving sicko like you into a gibbering bedwetter. I've got a million and one unpleasant memories tattooed on my brain, and the only thing stopping me from making it all go away with a .22 caliber pain pill is a daily dose of nicotine and booze. So the way I see it, whittling off an hour or two every day is a far better alternative to just ending it all at once."

"Yeah… I… guess that makes sense." Janna admitted uneasily. "But still, you're not alone anymore. I… I could help you work through some of that stuff. Then maybe you wouldn't need to numb yourself and you could live another thirty years like you're supposed to."

"That's a nice thought, Janna. But it doesn't work that way. Even if I could go cold turkey without blowing my brains out, there's no guarantee I'll live as long as the clock says I will. Who knows? I might wake up tomorrow with some rare, uncurable disease, or get runover by a car. There's really no way to tell. So there's no point in getting all worked up about it. Honestly, when you think about it, my life is no more in danger than anyone else's."

"I… I guess that's true." The young Filipina replied, starting to calm down a little.

"Of course it is. And besides, the drinks and cigarettes don't cost me nearly as much as…"

Jefferson stopped himself short as his face contorted into an expression that could only be described as ' _Why the hell did I say that?_ '.

"As much as what?" Janna asked, already suspecting the answer.

"Uh… nothing. Forget I mentioned it."

"You were gonna say as much as your powers, weren't you?"

"No I wasn't."

"It costs you time to heal someone, doesn't it?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

" _Jefferson_!"

"Okay, fine!" the older Stand User confessed reluctantly. " _Sigh_. Yes, it's true. In order to heal someone, I have to give up a part of my remaining lifespan."

"How much?"

"That's not important."

" ** _How much_**!"

"It varies, okay. It depends on how much aura I have to expend. Healing Ludo yesterday cost me about thirty minutes. But fixing up Diaz after his fight with the Diamond Dogs cost me two whole weeks."

"Why didn't you tell us this before?" Janna asked, sounding both confused and angry. "If we'd known then…"

"Then you would've been hesitant to let me heal you." Jefferson cut in unexpectedly. "You would've tried to hide your injuries from me in a misguided attempt to safe my life. And in doing so, you would've left yourself vulnerable to our enemies. I couldn't let you throw your lives away over something as worthless as mine. So I kept that little detail to myself. No big deal."

"How can you say that?" the plump Filipina said in alarm. "This is your life we're talking about."

"Exactly. It's _my_ life. So I can do what I want with it. Including shorten it to save someone else's." the elder Stand User replied bluntly, before allowing himself a moment to simmer down. " _Sigh_. Look, kiddo, I appreciate the concern, but let's face facts. No matter what you might think of me, at the end of the day I'm just a pathetic old drunk. And another thirty years isn't gonna change that. At this point the best I can hope for is a grave in a legitimate cemetery. But you kids, you're still young and… relatively untainted. You've got your whole lives ahead of you, and if I can give you the tools you need to survive in this psychotic, Stand filled world, then that's good enough for me."

"Well it's not good enough for me!" Janna shouted angrily. "You might not think your life is worth something, but I sure as hell do. I mean… if you died tomorrow… I… I'd be lost."

"You'd be fine."

"No I wouldn't!" she retorted sharply. "My mom is an idiot. My best friend is losing her mind. Star and Marco are just one lame excuse away from ditching Earth forever. And so far, _you_ are the only adult I've ever met who really gets me. Without you I'd… have nobody."

Janna secretly hated herself for saying as much as she had, and yet she couldn't stop herself from saying even more.

"You might not think you're worth anything, but you're worth a lot to me."

"And to me." Said Ludo unexpectedly; catching everyone off-guard. "Why, I dare say you're worth at least fifty of me. Probably more."

"Aw, Caesar…"

"No really, I mean it. I've spent my whole life trying to conquer Mewni, because I thought it was the only way to prove to my parents that I wasn't the pathetic disgrace to the family they said I was." The tiny birdman explain, pausing briefly to wipe a tear from his eye. "But you, Jefferson. You actually are a disgrace to your family. You're a loathsome, pathetic shell of a man who sold poison to old people and sleeps in his own filth."

"Okay…"

"And yet somehow, against all odds, you have achieved a level of nobility, dignity, and honor that no one in my family has had since… probably ever. And if you could do it, then maybe there's hope for me too." Ludo continued, as a certain respectable timber started to creep into his voice. "Maybe… maybe I don't need an army of evil warriors or a kingdom of Mewman slaves. Maybe I just need to work on improving myself. And I can start by getting rid of this stupid Wand!"

Suddenly, the makeshift rod in his hand started to emit an eerie green glow that pulsed in and out; almost like a heartbeat.

"That's right, you heard me! We're through!" the tiny birdman shouted at the inanimate object as though it were a real person. "I'm sick and tired of you telling me what to do all the time! I was perfectly happy living on my own in the woods before you showed up!"

 _Pulse. Pulse. Pulse._

"No, you listen! _I_ am your master! _You_ are my wand! And if I say we're not taking over Mewni then we're not taking over Mewni! Is that clear?"

 _Pulse. Pulse. Pulse._

"What was that?"

 _Pulse. Pulse. Pulse._

"How dare you!"

 _Pulse. Pulse. Pulse._

"Oh yeah? Well, guess what? Now this is happening!"

Without another word, Ludo suddenly sprang up from his seat and ran towards the edge of the roof. Then, surprising everyone, including Glossaryk, he threw the glowing wand over the side, letting it fall straight down the mountain and out of sight.

"There. I did it." He said proudly while wheezing slightly from the exertion. "I feel so much better."

But while he continued to congratulate himself, Janna and the others just stared in confusion.

"Uh… Jefferson?" she asked, still sounding dumbstruck.

"Yes, Janna?" he replied.

"You know how Star's Wand looks like it has a piece missing?"

"Yeah."

"I'm pretty sure that was the missing piece."

"Yeah, I kinda figured that."

"So… think we should go down there and look for it?"

"Nah, I'm tired. Let's just leave it for now and worry about it in the morning." The older Stand User reasoned as he gave his arms a much needed stretch. "Besides, it's not like anyone's just gonna come along and find it down there."

End Notes:

Up next is the showdown you've been waiting for folks.

I've been wanting to write this chapter for so long I can hardly wait.

Until next time.

Peace.


	14. Chapter 13

Writing and editing this chapter was a huge ordeal. I hope you like it. As always, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Yadda. Yadda. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 13.

( _At the bottom of the mountain, many hours later_ )

It was in the early hours of the morning that the relative calm of the area was suddenly shattered by a familiar tear in the spacetime continuum.

A peculiar purple portal had been slashed into the air, and from out of that open wound stepped the foulest malignancy Mewni would ever know.

A walking disease.

A plague in the form of a man.

A malicious, malevolent malady known only as the Hobyah Man.

With a gentle wave of his bony hand, the tear in reality was once again sealed; leaving the aged Stand User alone and seemingly unprotected in the bleak and barren wasteland at the base of the Jaggy Mountain Range.

But what, you might ask, as well you should, would bring such a powerful and imposing figure to such a desolate and isolated location?

Well, it's all rather simple really.

You see, dear reader, mere moments ago, the walking cadaver presently known as Marcus Brando received a psychic communication from his trusted pet, Mr. Jones; claiming that he had found the object his master do desperately desired. And since he'd never known his feathered friend to stretch the truth, Brando immediately grabbed his Dimensional Scissors and warpped right over to where the signal had originated.

However, when he arrived, Mr. Jones was nowhere to be found.

Very unusual.

 _Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones, where are you?_

He called out psychically; hoping for a reply.

 _Come on, old friend. I know you're out there. Stop playing these silly games._

But again, there was no response.

Oh dear.

Suddenly Brando was starting to get a little worried. It wasn't like Mr. Jones to ignore his mental calls. Could something have happened to him? No, not likely. In terms of raw power, that little crow was one of the deadliest Stand Users alive. No one on Mewni could've possibly beaten him so easily. He was probably just lost somewhere in the fog.

Yes, that made sense.

 _Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones, where are you?_

 _H… H…Here… Master…_

Came a faint but unmistakable reply on the psychic plane.

 _Finally. Where are you? There's too much fog. I can't see the sky._

 _Not in sky… On… ground…_

 _The ground? What are you talking about? What's wrong with you?_

Unfortunately, the answer came in the form of a soft scraping sound that seemed to be coming from somewhere close by.

Moments later, a tiny figure emerged from the mist; causing Brando's black heart to leap into his throat. It was Mr. Jones, but not as the Hobyah Man remembered him. Feathers scorched. Wings mangled. Eyes blinded. Left foot broken; forcing him to limp along the ground like a wounded dog while dragging some kind of old bone in his blackened and broken beak.

"MR. JONES!" he cried hysterically as he rushed over to his beloved pet; tears streaming from his eyes. "Oh my little friend! What's happened to you?"

Ignoring the dusty old bone, Brando picked up the wounded bird and cradled it in his arms as though it were a child.

"Oh God! This is all my fault! I never should've sent you off alone!"

"K… K… K… Ka…aaaw…"

"No, don't try to speak. Save your energy." He pleaded paternally. "Just relax and let me read your mind. Show me who did this to you."

Heading his master's command, Mr. Jones conjured a mental image of his assailant. And when Brando caught a glimpse of it, his blood began to boil.

" _Ludo_." He said as his senses were suddenly overwhelmed by a powerful, animalistic rage. "That loathsome, sawed off, little nobody! How dare he do this to you! Oh, but don't you worry, old friend. He will suffer for this. He will pay! Before I'm done with him, he'll be begging for the **_FIRES OF HELL_**!"

Just then, an ominous green glow filled the area; causing the Hobyah Man to momentarily forget his anger.

To his immense surprise, the light seemed to be coming from the old bone Mr. Jones had been dragging. Only upon closer inspection, he realized that the bone was attached to a jagged chunk of rock and what appeared to be a broken crystal… shaped like a star!

Aha! The missing shard of the Royal Magic Wand. Exactly as he'd seen it in Buff Frog's memory. He should have known; even on the brink of death, Mr. Jones would stop at nothing to fulfill his mission. And now, because of his tireless devotion, Brando would finally have the necessary bargaining chip to put the MHC in his pocket.

 _Oh, but what's this?_

Brando thought as his superhuman psychic senses picked up something strange.

 _Some kind of… intelligence emanating from the broken crystal. So there really is someone in there. Guess Ludo's not crazy after all. Well… at least not about this. Still, I suppose this warrants an investigation._

He looked down at the injured bird in his arms; its breathing was becoming increasingly labored.

 _Don't worry, old friend. This will only take a moment._

Then without another word, the Hobyah Man focused all of his attention on the glowing ramshackle wand and dove right on in.

XXX

Less than half a second later, Brando found himself standing on the surface of what appeared to be a vast, possibly infinite, ocean. But unlike the oceans of Earth, this one was an odd mix of glittering gold and putrid black.

Less than five feet away stood another figure. A tall, grey skinned lizardman in a jet black power suit.

Not exactly what he'd been expecting, but it was no weirder than anything else he'd seen since coming to Mewni.

"Well, this is different." The reptilian said in a suave yet mildly surprised tone. "Where did you come from?"

"Oh, you know… around." Brando said playfully. "But more importantly, where did you come from? How ever did you end up in the Realm of Magic, Mr. Toffee?"

The look on his scaly face was absolutely priceless.

"How did…" he began, only to catch himself as realization dawned. "Oh, I see. You're reading my mind."

"Very good, mon general." The Hobyah Man said mockingly. "You catch on quicker than most. I'll give you that. I dare say your old master would be quite pleased with your powers of perception. What was his name again? Set? See-hat?"

"I know what you're doing." Toffee said flatly.

"Oh? And what am I doing?"

"You're trying to scare me by showing off how much you know about me. You think that by rattling on about my private thoughts and picking at my insecurities you can throw me off my game. An excellent strategy, I'll admit, but in this case, I'm afraid it just won't work. You see, I already know how you're doing it. I know that you know everything that I know. So there's literally nothing you could say that would surprise me. So why don't we just skip the preliminaries and get right to the point. Who are you? And why shouldn't I kill you for this intrusion?"

Brando felt a sudden twinge of irritation, but he managed to keep his emotions in check.

This operation was much too important to be thrown away on a childish whim.

"Very well, Mr. Toffee. Since you're in such an all-fire hurry, I'll cut to the chase. My name is Marcus Brando, and I am here as a representative of both the Magic High Commission and a new grassroots political movement with big plans for Mewni's future. Plans that you are a hindrance to. So, for the sake of all interested parties, I must insist that you cease your shameless contamination of our natural resources. At your earliest possible convenience, of course."

To which the lizardman replied,

"You didn't honestly think that would work, did you?"

" _Heh. Heh. Heh_. Of course not." Brando answered with a crooked smile. "But now I can say I gave you a choice. Well, it's been nice chatting with you, Mr. Toffee. But I'm afraid I haven't got all day. So… it's time for you to die."

"Oh really? And I suppose you'll just snap your fingers and then I'll suddenly drop dead?"

"Something like that." He said sinisterly before he broke into his favorite chant.

" _Hobyah~ Hobyah~ Hobyah~_ "

"What the hell are you doing?"

" _Hobyah~ Hobyah~ Hobyah~_ "

"What is this? Some kind of curse or something?"

" _Hobyah~ Hobyah~ Hobyah~_ "

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look right now?"

" ** _TEAR DOWN THE HEMP_** …"

XXX

Suddenly, Brando awoke to find himself seated in a padded chair.

For a brief moment, he thought that his encounter with Toffee might've all been just a dream. But then he noticed that he was bound from head to toe in leather straps, which pretty much flushed that theory right down the tubes.

With his mobility severely limited, the Hobyah Man had to strain his eyes in order to get the full scope of his surroundings. Not that there was much to see, save for a large, mostly empty room with blank walls, tiled floors, and some kind of strange box like object that was just beyond his field of vision. Interestingly enough, everything, himself included, seemed to have been drained of its color; giving it the look and feel of an old RKO picture. And yet, there was something so eerily familiar about this place that he couldn't quite put his finger on.

"It'll come to you." Said a suave yet oily voice that sent a chill down Brando's spine. "Just give it a minute."

Seemingly from out of nowhere, the owner of said voice stepped into view. As I'm sure you've already guessed, it was Toffee. Only, like everything else, he too had been reduced to a monochromatic state. Also, for some reason, he appeared to have abandoned his trademark power suit in favor of the medical scrubs of a Cold War Era surgeon.

"What's the matter, Mr. Brando? You seem confused." The lizardman said mockingly. "Or do you prefer Mr. Mathews?"

Brando's heart almost stopped.

"W-What did you just say?"

"That is your name isn't it? Mr. David Allan Mathews. Born in Kennebunkport, Maine, November 5th, 1928. Married to Ms. Elizabeth Anne Epstein, May 12th, 1947. Widowed January 3rd, 1954. Inducted into the MKUltra Program…"

" ** _How do you know that!_** " the Hobyah Man said harshly.

"Oh, it's quite simple really. The Wand acts as a sort of psychic conduit. It links my mind to that of whoever's holding it. You used it to try and kill me, but the connection runs both ways. That's how I was able to turn the tables." Toffee explained, his every word dripping with self-satisfaction. "Come now, don't look so surprised. I mean, what did you think? That I would just stand there and let you turn me into one of your puppets? I'm the greatest military strategist this dimension has ever seen! Did you honestly believe I wouldn't fight back?"

"Well, clearly I underestimated you. That's my fault." Brando admitted, trying not to show how shaken he really was. "But still, you're crazy if you think I'll let you get away with this. Don't you realize who you're messing with? I'm Marcus Brando. The Hobyah Man! The future god of the New Utopia! There isn't a Stand User on Earth who doesn't quake in fear of me!"

"Maybe, but you're not on Earth anymore. You're on Mewni. _My_ domain." The lizardman said threateningly as he stepped over towards the mysterious boxlike contraption. "And you may have fooled everyone else with your smoke and mirrors, but I see you for what you are. You're not a god. You're not a Hobyah. You're not even Marcus Brando. You're just a decrepit old nobody who's in way over his head."

"And you're just an upright crocodile posing as an intellectual!" Brando spat back. "But you won't even be that before I'm done with you. I'll shatter that pathetic lump of narcissism you call a psyche and have my Monsters use your body for target practice!"

"Oh, I think not." Toffee replied dismissively as he wheeled the mysterious object in front of him. "In fact, before I'm done, you'll never think again."

The Hobyah Man's eyes went wide as he finally got a good look at the strange device. He recognized it instantly as an old fashioned ECT Machine. The very same infernal contraption that had awakened his powers so many years ago.

"You wouldn't." he said, once again trying to hide his fear.

"I would." The lizardman replied sinisterly as he placed his fingers on the dial. "Now, let's start you off with something simple."

 _Click_.

" ** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!_** " Brando howled in agony as the current ran through his body; charging every cell with crackly hot torment. " ** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!_** "

"Yes~ Yes~ That's it." Toffee said, taking a certain perverse pleasure in his suffering. "Keep screaming. Scream until your lungs burst."

 _Click_.

" ** _YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!_** "

 **BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!**

"Oh, and there goes Percy." The lizardman said amusedly. "You remember Percy, don't you? Little Welsh Corgy. William Marcus, the Doctor's assistant, used to always bring him to the lab because he couldn't stand to leave him home alone. And every time they turned on this machine he'd bark."

 _Click_.

" ** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!_** "

 **BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!**

 _Click._

" ** _YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_** "

 **BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!**

"Just like clockwork." Toffee mused with a toothy smirk, before he pulled his hand away from the dial. "There, now do you understand? I am the one destined to rule this land, not you. _I_ who was chosen by heaven to exterminate the Mewman Race and all the prideless Monsters who would dare stand with them. _I_ who slayed Queen Comet, who arrogantly thought she could erase the sins of her kind with pastries. _I_ who…"

"Do you ever stop talking?" Brando asked annoyedly. "Honestly. Listening to you is worse than the electroshocks."

"Go ahead, make your little jokes. You're still in my power. Your precious Witchdoctor may have helped you escape this lab in the real world, but it can't help you now. In this world, I control all."

Suddenly, the Hobyah Man was struck by inspiration; causing him to produce a crooked smirk.

"What are you smiling about?" Toffee asked confusedly.

"Oh, nothing." Brando replied teasingly. "I was just realizing what a rank amateur you are."

"Excuse me?"

"You don't have nearly as much control over this mindscape as you think. If you did, then you'd know that I didn't use Witchdoctor to escape from this lab the first time. In fact, I didn't escape at all."

"What are you talking about? Of course you escaped. You're right here."

"Oh, but it's true. You see, that's the part of the story that everyone gets wrong. Everyone assumes that I was the one who killed the doctors and burned down the lab, but that's not what really happened. I was in far too much pain at the time. So when my Stand first activated, the only thing I could do was call for help."

Just then, the entire room began to shake and rattle; as if whatever was beyond it had just been struck by a tremendous explosion.

"What the hell was that?" asked the lizardman, trying to hide his alarm.

"Ask him."

Toffee looked like he was about to ask a follow up question, but before he could, a door on the far side of the room suddenly flew open; revealing a disheveled, faceless man in scrubs on the other side.

"Doctor Brando! Doctor Brando! We have to get out of here!" the faceless figure said to Toffee as though he were someone else. "It's a madhouse out there! The whole place is coming down?"

"What on Mewni is going on here? Who are you?"

"It's one of the lab animals, Sir." The man replied, apparently running on autopilot. "We injected it with the GX-100 like you said, but it… changed it somehow. And now it's on a rampage!"

"What the hell is this nonsense? Brando, what's going on?"

"Please, Sir! We don't have much time! The bird…"

 ** _BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_**

Suddenly the walls were blown away by some enormous, unseen force; revealing numerous other rooms and corridors being engulfed in flames.

From his seat, Brando watched in twisted amusement as the shadow of a giant metal Pteranodon fell over his captor and smiled as the memory of his beloved pet unleashed its terrifying war cry.

 ** _RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKK!_**

XXX

Suddenly, Toffee awoke to find himself standing in an open field.

The skies above were tinted a hellish red and the ground was little more than a mass of Mewman bones.

In the distance he could see the smoking remains of Butterfly Castle and in its shadow he could just barely make out a trio of crucified corpses rotting in the pitch-black sun.

The Royal Family, he somehow knew.

And as he looked on at this horrific land of death, the saurian general felt a strange and wonderous new sensation wash over him.

At first he wasn't quite sure what it was, but after a moment or two he understood.

This was the one feeling that had alluded him all his life.

The one thing he'd longed for throughout his countless battles.

Pure.

Unadulterated.

Bliss.

" _Pathetic_."

Said a familiar voice that seemed to come from multiple places at once.

" _This is your idealized vision of Mewni?_ "

" _There's nothing but death and hopelessness._ "

" _Bleh!_ "

Toffee craned his head in every possible direction, but could spot no sign of Brando or anyone else.

Nothing but bones as far as the eye could see.

" _And worst of all, there's no one to rule here._ "

" _Not unless you like talking to skeletons._ "

" _Well, if that's you're in to, who am I to judge?_ "

Suddenly, a skeletal hand arose from the field of bones; causing the hardened saurian to jump back from the shock. Slowly but surely, the body it belonged to followed suit, revealing the grotesque form of an undead skeleton warrior garbed in traditional Mewman battle armor.

Before he could react, Toffee was quickly joined by another undead warrior. And then another. And then another. Within moments, he was surrounded by over two dozen skeletal soldiers; each one brandishing one deadly weapon or another.

" _So, how do you like my undead horde?_ " asked one of the skeletons in a familiar voice.

" _Does this float your boat?_ " asked another using the exact same voice.

"Brando." The saurian general said with quiet rage. "What trickery is this?"

" _No trickery…_ "

" _Just_ _a little something I…_ "

" _Picked up from decades of…_ "

" _Practice…._ "

" _But if it's tricks you want…_ "

" _Then why don't you try this one on…_ "

" _For size…_ "

All at once, the undead horde closed in on Toffee; each once poised to slice him into salami with their swords and battleaxes. But of course, since he was a highly trained, highly intelligent Monster Warrior, the saurian general made quick work of them; shattering the lot of them into a flurry of broken bones with one swing of his mighty tail.

"Is that the best you've got, you decrepit old monkey?"

" _Heavens no…_ "

" _I'm just…_ "

" _Getting started…_ "

Almost immediately, another five dozen skeletons arose to replace the ones who had fallen; each one wielding an iron kanabo like the ancient oni of lore.

" _I realized that cutting you to death…_ "

" _Might be a little cliché…_ "

" _So I thought I might try…_ "

" _Beating you to death instead…_ "

As the horde closed in, Toffee once again tried the swinging tail maneuver. Unfortunately for him, the skeletons seemed to anticipate this and dodged accordingly. From there the scene devolved into a flurry of motion as the once great saurian general bobbed and weaved in every possible direction to avoid getting his bones bashed to bits by the enemy war clubs.

'This is absurd.' He thought bitterly as he narrowly avoided getting his head knocked off. 'He's split his focus sixty ways and yet his constructs move so fluidly. So deliberately. This makes no sense. This much effort should be giving him a seizure. How? How is he doing this?'

" _Simple…_ "

" _You just have to be…_ "

" _A genius…_ "

" _My body…_ "

" _Might be all broken and…_ "

" _Used up, but my mind is as…_ "

" _Strong as ever…_ "

"Maybe so. But this kind of strain can't be good for you. You've spread yourself too thin. Sooner or later, something's going to break."

" _HA! Shows what you know…_ "

" _I've controlled thousands more than this at once…_ "

" _And I will again, once I…_ "

" _Finish you off…_ "

"Don't you mean _if_ you finish me off? You've got sixty maces swinging and you still haven't hit me once. Very sloppy."

" _Trying to mess with my mind again?_ "

" _HA! You're out of your league, boy_."

" _You can read my mind, but I can read your soul._ "

" _I know what you really are._ "

" _I know what scares you._ "

"I fear nothing!"

" ** _WRONG!_** "

For a split second, Toffee let his guard down. And in that instant one of the undead warriors delivered a devastating blow to the side of his face; sending him flying several feet before colliding with the ground with a painful _THUD_.

" _Ugh_ …" he groaned as he picked himself up out of a pile of bones.

" _AH-HAHAHAHAH! Not so tough now, are you?_ "

One of the skeleton warriors taunted as he and his brethren hung back for a bit.

" _You act like you're the be all, end all warrior of the Monster Army, but I know the truth._ "

" _I know why you tried to sabotage Batwin's Banquet…_ "

" _I know why you went rogue…_ "

" _I know why you killed Queen Comet…_ "

"That's hardly a secret." Toffee shot back, having regained his composure. "I announced my intentions in front of my entire army. I would've paraded her corpse through the street if I'd gotten my hands on it."

" _I know what you told your army…_ "

" _I know what you told yourself…_ "

" _But I also know that it was a lie…_ "

"Excuse me?"

" _It wasn't Monster Pride or the rage of your ancestors that guided your hand that day._ "

" _It was fear._ "

" _Fear of a world where you don't fit in._ "

"You're babbling!"

" _Am I? Think about it. You're a solider._ "

" _Born and bred._ "

" _From the day you were hatched you were trained to do one thing and one thing only._ "

" _Destroy…_ "

"So what?"

" _So~ You can't do anything else._ "

" _You can't build. You can't imagine. All you can do is destroy._ "

" _Destroy the evil Mewmans._ "

" _Destroy their farms._ "

" _Destroy their castles._ "

" _Destroy their Magic._ "

" _Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!_ "

"Shut up!"

" _You act like an intellectual. But in your heart you're nothing but a rabid animal._ "

" _And in a world at peace there's no room for a man like you._ "

" _That's why you killed her. To spare yourself the shame of being an outcast._ "

" _Of being forgotten._ "

"I said **_shut up_**!"

" _As you wish._ "

Suddenly, a swarm of skeletal hands sprung up from the ground beneath him and started grabbing at his legs; dragging him down into the earth.

"No! Get off me! Get away!" he shouted as his legs and pelvis sank slowly into the dirt. "Damn you, Brando! This isn't over! I'll get out of this!"

" _Wrong again._ "

" _This is where we part ways._ "

" _Nice chatting with you, Chopper Face_."

" _It's been fu…_ "

XXX

Suddenly, Brando awoke to find himself sitting in a large, comfy chair.

No longer was his consciousness spread amongst a multitude of psychic constructs.

Once more he was but of one mind and one body.

"Damn it." He cursed bitterly; pounding his fist against one of the armrests. "Sneaky little crocodile. Let my guard down for half a second and he takes control. _Again_! Ugh… I hate getting old. Why, if I was twenty years younger…"

"You'd still be ancient." A familiar voice said mockingly.

"Speak of the salamander." Brando retorted. "Well, what are you waiting for? Come out and show yourself, you saw-toothed gecko."

"My, aren't we impatient. We'll have plenty of time to talk later. But first, how about a little music?"

With an unseen snap of the lizardman's clawed fingers, the house lights came on; revealing a massive, ornate ballroom befitting Louis XIV. Gothic, ornate walls made of sterling silver. Floors of polished marble. Muraled ceiling befitting the Sistine Chapel. And beneath that magnificent fresco, dancing in perfect synchronization to Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, were dozens, if not hundreds, of life sized mechanical dolls; each one modeled after a different lord or lady of the Court of Marie Antionette.

And as he sat upon his golden throne, Brando couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at this most peculiar scene.

"Is there a point to this or are you just showing off?" he asked, clearly in no mood for such frivolity.

"Just returning the favor." Toffee replied as he suddenly materialized at the center of the dancefloor. "You showed me my ideal version of Mewni and now here's yours. I hope you like it."

"Seriously? In what way does this nonsense even remotely resemble my Utopia?"

"Why, this is the world you've always wanted. A Kingdom of Dolls. No ugliness. No emotions. No free will. Everyone and everything moving in perfect synchronization with no deviations or mistakes. A Clockwork World."

"Again I ask, do you have a point?"

"Just one. Dolls are pretty to look at, but they break much too easily."

With a toothy smirk, the barrel chested mugger lightly tapped one of the female figurines, causing it to collapse into a heap of gears and porcelain. Moments later, several of the other dolls began to break as well. Shortly after that the entire room began to shake; large jagged cracks forming in the walls and ceiling. Then with another condescending snap of his clawed fingers, the entire room shattered; leaving only an inky abyss

" ** _OH NO YOU DON'T!_** " Brando roared as his throne started to fall into the infinite void.

Fueled by every once of hate and fury he could summon from his black heart, the Hobyah Man launched himself at Toffee with the force of a cannonball and attempted to wrap his boney fingers around the latter's thick reptilian neck.

Ever the fighter, the Septarian General resisted this attack, but alas, the sudden loss of concentration caused them both to start plummeting into the great blackness.

Not that either of them seemed to notice this fact. As they were much too preoccupied trying to kill one another to even notice.

"Saurian Psychopath!"

"Decrepit old fool!"

"Saw-toothed Salamander!"

"Senile old goat!"

"Overgrown Gecko!"

"Pretentious ass!"

But suddenly the two ceased their senseless name-calling when they noticing that they were apparently hurdling towards what appeared to be an ever-expanding ball of white light.

"What is that?" asked Toffee, almost fearfully.

"Not sure." Brando answered casually. "But if I had to guess, I'd say our shared mindscape has been pushed to its limits. Any second now it will collapse, and the resulting psychic shockwave will rip your mind to shreds."

"Oh well, if this is my fate then I'll embrace it as I would a lover. I may have lost my chance for revenge, but at least I can take comfort in the knowledge that your dreams will die too."

"Wrong again, my good Gila Monster. You see, when it comes to mental fortitude I'm afraid you're just a big fish in a small pond. Where as I on the other hand am a veritable megalodon."

Just then, the white light enveloped them; forcing upon them intense amounts of pressure comparable only to the bottom of the Mariana Trench.

" _Welcome to the ocean, big boy!_ "

XXX

Suddenly, Brando awoke to find himself back in the real world.

Or at least, he thought it was the real world.

Best to make sure.

Arthritic fingers.

Check.

Aching back.

Check.

Labored breathing.

Check.

Yep, this was reality alright.

With that confirmed, the Hobyah Man checked his watch to see how much time had passed.

"Two minutes, thirty-five seconds. Damn! I hate getting old." He muttered before turning his attention to the black and grey mass lying at his feet. "Oh well, at least I'm in better shape than you are, old sport."

With a cruel, almost childlike sense of amusement, Brando looked down at what remained of the once great Saurian General. Gone were his piercing gaze and silver tongue, and in their place were blank, lifeless eyes and a puddle of drool.

"How sad. You were indeed a worthy opponent. So clever. So devious. But in the end, your mind just wasn't strong enough. And now you're nothing but a mindless husk." He said mockingly as he bent down to pluck the blackened jewel shard from the lizardman's palm. "Where as I am one step closer to achieving my fondest wish. My Utopia."

"k…k…kaa…aaw…"

" _Mr. Jones!_ " Brando exclaimed as he finally remembered the injured bird in his arms. "Oh my sweet heavens! I completely forgot about you! Oh, please forgive me, old friend."

"ka…kaw…"

"No, no, don't strain yourself. I know just what to do." He said in an attempt to soothe his beloved pet. "Unfortunately, it's too late to get you to a vet. Your body's too badly damaged."

His concern quickly turned to joy as he looked down at Toffee's empty vessel; a hideous, crooked smile spreading across his lips.

"But luckily for you, I've already found a replacement."

End Notes:

See you in the next one.

Peace.


	15. Chapter 14

Sorry in advance if this one is a little bland. I've been under a lot of stress lately. Anyway, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 14.

( _Much later that morning_ )

"Oh my~" Jefferson said with a sort of morbid amusement as he continued to thumb through the rather lengthy book he was reading. "Oh Rhina, you naughty girl. Married a demon and then disintegrated his heart. I guess he just couldn't satisfy you, eh? You hot little nerd. With your librarian glasses and your round, spankable ass. Yeah, I'd like to tap that ass. Oh baby, I'd show you such a good time. I'd f*** you so hard you wouldn't see straight for…"

"What are you doing?" asked a familiar voice from out of the blue; causing the lanky Stand User to lurch forward in alarm.

" ** _GYAAAAAAAAAAH!_** " he yelped as he clutched his chest to stop his racing heart. " ** _Don't ever do that!_** "

But of course, Glossaryk wasn't even fazed.

"That's the Royal Spell Book." The little jinn said in a tone that was somehow both bored and irritated. "What are you doing with it?"

"Well, up until you almost gave me a heart attack, I was reading it." Jefferson replied angrily before adding, "What's it to you?"

"Only the owner of the book is allowed to read it. Those are the rules. And as much as I like to scoff at the rules, I also like to arbitrarily enforce them. Especially when I'm bored."

"Yeah, well go get your jollies somewhere else, you little gremlin. Ludo said it was okay."

"Why do you even want to read it in the first place?" Glossaryk asked, sounding genuinely confused. "You can't use Magic. No Stand User can."

"Not that it's any of your business, but I had trouble shutting my brain off last night and I thought reading a boring textbook might put me to sleep. But as it turns out this thing's actually pretty interesting. I mean, there's hardly any spells in it. It's more like a trashy tell-all book."

"Yes, well, the Queens of Mewni have always been sort of inwardly focused. Aside from Crescenta, none of them ever had much interest in recording their spells."

"Oh yeah, Little Miss Fish F***er. Man, what a piece of work she was."

" _Ugh_. You don't know the half of it. Always so obnoxious, that one. Easily my third least favorite Queen. Ironic, considering that her mother was my eighth favorite over all."

" _Huh_. So who's your absolute least favorite?"

"Right now, it's a three-way tie between Galaxia the Pudding Snatcher, Urania the Easily Distracted, and Nebula the Flatulent. But I'd say we've got at least another 1500 years before the Butterfly Kingdom collapses completely, so the final rankings are still up in the air."

"Wow… Say, you're all-knowing, right?"

"More or less."

"Listen, there's something I've been meaning to ask you."

"If it's about the meaning of life, I gotta warn ya, you're in for a huge letdown."

"Actually, it's about something I read in the book."

"Oh, well then by all means, fire away."

"Well, I was reading through Eclipsa's chapter a few hours ago, when I noticed…"

"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa." The tiny jinn interupted, sounding legitimately surprised. "What do you mean you were reading Eclipsa's chapter?"

"I mean that I was looking at the words and comprehending their meaning."

"Don't get smart with me, boy. That entire section of the book is sealed off and only _I_ can open it."

"You mean that tacky looking skull lock thing? I had Janna pick that for me."

" _Sigh._ I should've guessed." Glossaryk said mild annoyance, before his expression grew somewhat curiouser. "Wait, you mean you actually _read_ Eclipsa's chapter?"

"Yep."

"The whole thing?"

"All the parts that were in English."

"And you don't feel any different?"

"No."

"Not even a little tainted or mad with dark power?"

"No more than usual."

"So… you're perfectly fine?"

"I guess. There was this weird puff of smoke, but all it did was burn my eyes for like a second. Then again, I'm pretty f***ed up in general, so it's kinda hard to gage."

"Huh… well I'll be." Said the little jinn, with a subtle, almost imperceptible trace of warmth in his voice.

"What?" Jefferson replied, sounding both dubious and suspicious.

"Oh nothing. I just…" Glossaryk said, pausing midsentence as he stroked his chin; clearly searching for just the right words to express his thoughts. "I love bugs."

"O… kay…" Jefferson replied confusedly. "Thank you for sharing that."

"I'm not finished." The little man cut in sternly. "Now, as I was saying, I love bugs. I love them. I love them more than anything else in the universe. I even keep several of them in my book as pets. But do you know why I love them?"

"I give up. Why?"

"Because they're not important."

"And… now you lost me."

"Remember when you asked me if I was all-knowing and I said 'more or less'? Well, 'more or less' means that I know almost everything. I know the outcome of every major event in the entire universe eons in advance. And the same goes for the medium events and the moderate events. Really, it's only the least important things that fly beneath my radar. The tiny insignificant trivialities of the cosmos. The worthless jobs, useless facts, and pointless accomplishments. They and they alone can keep me guessing. Oh, how their meaningless mysteries tickle my…"

"Okay, I get it!" Jefferson cut in bluntly; clearly bored of the little man's prattling. "You know everything but the least important details. That's why you're so nuts about bugs. And why, I presume, you were trying to cook pudding on an open fire."

"Precisely. Because I don't know if I can do it or not. I have a whole list of useless things I wanna try to do before the universe ends. For example, I've always wondered if I could go an entire year only saying the word Globgor."

"Wow, fascinating. Can we please get back to my thing now?"

"Hold on. I'm almost done." Glossaryk said in a tone that could only be described as un-Glossaryk. "Look. What I guess I'm trying to say is that ever since you showed up, I've witnessed many things I didn't see coming. Such as Ludo abandoning his quest for power and resisting the temptations of the Wand. You made that happen, Jefferson. And not with Magic, or Stands, or any other supernatural shortcut. But with your words and your genuine acts of kindness. So, from the bottom of my heart, I just want you to know, that out of everyone in the universe, from the pangalactic star cows to the sentient smallpox viruses, no one is less significant than you."

Needless to say, Jefferson was a little thrown by the blue jinn's 'complement'. To be honest, he wasn't really sure how to react.

"You… just said my existence is worth less than a virus."

"Yes I did."

"And that's the nicest thing you've ever said to anyone, isn't it?"

"It's the highest complement I'm capable of giving."

"Wow… well, in that case, thanks, Glossaryk."

"You're welcome. Now, what was it you wanted to ask me?"

"Oh yeah, you see I… uh… I… er… Damn it! I can't remember."

"Oh well, don't stress too much about it. If it was important, I'm sure you'll remember it eventually… or not."

Just then, a low, almost irritating groan reached their ears; forcing the motley duo to abandon their conversation and shift their focus due south.

There, on the other side of the terrace, Ludo's younger brother Dennis was finally starting to regain consciousness; much to the former's apparent delight.

" _Uuuugghh_ …" the young Kappa groaned as he forced himself into an upright position. "Wha… What happened? W-Where am I?"

" _DENNIS_!" Ludo shouted elatedly as he ran roughly thirty feet in half a second to embrace his brother in the tightest hug he could muster; which, unfortunately, didn't amount to much more than a light squeeze. "Oh, thank corn you're okay!"

"L…Ludo?" he said, still sounding confused and a little groggy. "Big brother?"

"Yes, Dennis, it's me. Don't worry. Everything's going to be alright now."

"Whuh?"

"Hey, you're finally up." Jefferson said warmly as he swaggered over to where the brothers were sitting; Glossaryk floating close behind. "Welcome back, kiddo."

"Uh… thanks." Dennis replied dubiously before adding. "Who are you?"

"Oh yes, how rude of me. Please allow me to introduce myself. The name's Jefferson Speedwagon. Professional Stand User, Amateur Instructor, Part-time Valet de Chambre, and Full-time Vagabond. Pleasure to make your acquaintance, my dear boy."

"I didn't understand half of those words." The younger Kappa admitted.

"Never mind. Look, just call me Jefferson, alright."

"Oh, um… okay. Nice to meet you, Mr. Jefferson. But again, who exactly are you?"

"Long story, kiddo. You actually slept through it last night. But short version, my protégé and I got stranded here the other day and we've been sort of hanging out with your brother ever since."

" _Ugh_ … What's happening?" asked Janna as she lumbered over zombie-like to where the others had gathered; apparently having just woken up. "What's with all the noise?"

"Ah, there she is. There's my perfect little plum shaped ball of sunshine." Said the older Stand User in a disturbingly cheery voice. "Dennis, my lad, this plump little vision of loveliness is the protégé to whom I was referring. Her name is Janna. Say hello, Janna."

"You're drunk, aren't you?" the young Filipina asked flatly; still sounding a little groggy.

"Just a little. Turns out the water in Ludo's canteen wasn't really water, if you know what I mean."

"But it's 9:30 in the morning."

"I have issues, Janna. This is hardly news."

"Um, excuse me." Dennis spoke up, sounding confused and slightly terrified. "I don't really understand what's going on, but we need to get out of here right now. We're all in terrible danger!"

"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. Take it easy there, junior." Jefferson said in the most reassuring tone he could muster. "Your brother and I already took care of that overgrown buzzard who was hassling you."

"What?" the younger Kappa said in utter disbelief.

"Oh, but it's true." Ludo explained, just beaming with pride. "With Jefferson's help, I blasted that horrible monster-bird right out of the sky. He's gone, Dennis. We've got nothing to worry about."

"No, you don't understand!" Dennis replied with fearful sharpness. "That was just his pet!"

"Beg pardon?"

"That bird thing was just his pet! He could still come after us!"

"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. Back it up there, chief." Jefferson spoke up again. "Now what the hell are you talking about?"

"This guy came to my house yesterday. I don't know who or what he was, but he was looking for Ludo. He killed our parents and all our other brothers and when I wouldn't tell him what he wanted he sent that crow monster after me. He's probably on his way here right now."

"M-Mother and Father are… dead?" Ludo asked in a soft, almost melancholy tone, before his expression suddenly grew stern and cold. "Good riddance! To hell with all of them!"

"Ludo, you're not listening to me. A very powerful, very scary who knows what is after you. We have to go!"

"Take it easy, sunshine." The elder Stand User stepped in yet again. "Now look, I don't pretend to understand how things work in this dimension, but the way I see it, we've got nothing to worry about. That bird was barbequed and fell ten miles straight down. No way it survived, so no way it went back to tell its owner where we are. And even if this mystery creep-o did somehow know where we are, he can't get up here without his bird. So we're perfectly safe."

Just then, the air was shattered by an earsplitting, gut-wrenching, bloodcurdling cry.

" ** _EYES!_** " went a horrifying voice that seemed to shake the mountain. " ** _GIVE ME YOUR EYES!_** "

"Then again, I've been wrong before."

End Notes:

Thanks for reading.

Peace.


	16. Chapter 15

Hello and welcome to the next installment of A Clock in my Head. I just want to apologize in advance for this chapter. It's sort of a transition as we move into the final act. Also, I just bought a subscription to Viz Media and I've been reading Yu-Gi-Oh for the past week. Anyway, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Blah. Blah. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 15.

( _Right where we left off_ )

In the moments that followed their unseen enemy's fearsome cry, the atmosphere around the temple grew deathly silent.

No one dared to make sound.

Hell, most of them were too scared to even breathe.

The exceptions, of course, being Glossaryk, Janna, and Jefferson.

For although their respective experiences with these sorts of situations varied heavily, they had all seen enough craziness in their lives to arrive at the same conclusion.

This was but the calm before the storm.

Very soon, the hurricane would be upon them.

" ** _RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!_** " howled the invisible foe, once again shaking the ancient temple at its foundation. " ** _ME WANT EYES!_** "

Seconds later, a familiar monstrous shape arose from the abyss below; casting its enormous shadow over the entire terrace. For several moments, the terrible Pteranodon just sort of hovered in midair; its eyes glaring menacingly at the motley crew; Ludo in particular was feeling the heat from the creature's stink eye. But then suddenly, the horrible monster-bird erupted in a blinding flash of light; forcing everyone to avert their gaze. When the flash died down the Stand had vanished, but instead of seeing a small, possibly charred crow like they'd expected, they saw a much larger, vaguely human shaped creature landing on the plateau with a deafening **_THUD_**.

After another few moments, the shock of this unprecedented turn of events wore off and Jefferson was finally able to get a good look at this strange newcomer. At first glance, it somewhat resembled a humanoid crocodile, albeit one with jet black hair and a power suit. However, upon closer inspection he noticed that there was something off about this stranger. For one thing, he looked a mess; his hair was all wild and disheveled, and his suit had been torn clean open, exposing his well-toned chest. What's more, he was hunched over like a mad scientist's assistant and he was breathing like an asthmatic. But by far the most shocking things were his eyes; so glazed, so… predatory. As if there was no intelligent mind behind them. Just a pulsing mass of instincts and appetites.

"Toffee?" Ludo said, seemingly out of nowhere. "Toffee, is that you?"

"Caesar, you know this guy" the lanky Stand User asked confusedly.

"Know him? Of course I know him! He's a lying, backstabbing, twofaced son of Gila Monster!" the little birdman replied bitterly. "I hired him as an efficiency expert to help me steal Star's Wand, but then he betrayed me! He stole my army, blew up my castle, and fed me to a giant chicken! Though not necessarily in that order."

"Wow, sounds like a real jackass."

"Indeed he is! But what I don't understand is what he's doing here. Everyone told me he was dead." Ludo explained calmly before completely losing his cool. " ** _Hey! You! Jerk face! Why aren't you dead!_** "

" _Eyes_ …" 'Toffee' replied in a voice that was somehow raspy, squeaky, and croaky all at the same time. " _Me want eyes!_ "

In spite of his overwhelming sense of mortal terror, Jefferson stepped forward; as if to shield the rest of the group.

"Janna, bring out Bangles." He commanded softly.

"What are you gonna do?" the young Filipina asked worriedly.

"I don't know. Just have your Stand out in case something happens."

And with that, the elder Stand User took a deep breath and approached the reptilian beast.

"Um… excuse me?" he said, trying desperately to hid how scared he really was. "Begging your pardon, Mr… Toffee, was it? Listen, I don't pretend to know how things work around here. But as I understand it…"

" _Not Toffee!_ " the lizardman shrieked horribly. " _Toffee gone! Only me now! Only Mr. Jones!_ "

"O…kay… have it your way." Jefferson replied cautiously. "So then, Mr. Jones. What is it you want? And how did you come to posses a Stand identical to the one we fought yesterday?"

" _Not identical! Same! My Stand! My YYZ!_ "

"Impossible. The owner of that Stand was a little black crow. And a deceased one at that. Little Caesar over there blasted him to Kingdom Come."

" _Wrong!_ " the strange reptilian croaked harshly. " _You no destroy me! Me survive! Master make all better._ "

"So you're saying you're that crow from yesterday?" Jefferson asked dubiously. "Now how does that work?"

" _Master looking for Ludo's Wand. Master sent me to find Wand and kill Ludo. Me find Wand. Try to kill Ludo. Ludo almost kill me, but me survive. Me find Wand again. Master find me with Wand. Master find Toffee in Wand. Master kill Toffee. Master put me in Toffee. Now me here to eat your eyes._ "

Despite the creature's poor diction and terrible syntax, Jefferson was able to get the gist of what he was saying. Unfortunately, this only compounded his already suffocating anxiety.

"Y-Your master killed someone, this… Toffee person, and then he put your brain in his body?" he asked, trying very hard to hide how disturbed he truly was.

" _Heh~ Heh~ Heh~ Something like that._ " The lizardman said as his face split into a grotesque smile. " _Master can do many things._ "

"And just who is this 'Master'? What's his name?"

" _Master call himself Brando._ " The creature explained before his smile grew even more hideous.

"Brando?" Jefferson repeated. "That's not anyone I've ever heard of."

" _Oh, you know him. You just not know you know him._ "

"And what does that mean?"

" _Master have another name, but if me tell you, you s*** yourself. Ah-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh-Heh~_ "

"I see…" the older Stander User said, not really understanding what the creature was going on about. "But tell me, if your master, this Brando person, really has Ludo's Wand like you say, then what business does he have with us? Why did he send you here?"  
" _Master no send me._ " The reptilian beast answered. " _Master let me come on my own. Master knows you tried to kill me. Master hate you all. So Master say me can make you suffer. Make you_ _ **hurt. And eat your eyes**_ _!_ "

 ** _CRUNCH!_**

Before anyone even knew what had happened, the deranged lizardman fell limply to the ground; its head missing from its shoulders. After overcoming his shock, Jefferson noticed the familiar form of Janna's jet-black jackal god Stand looming over the lifeless corpse; blood dripping from its jaws.

On a reflex, the elder Stand User turned to face his young protégé, who met his stern gaze with her usual detached expression.

"What?"

"Don't you 'what' me, missy. You know what you did."

"Yeah, I took out the bad guy. You're welcome."

"Janna, I was finessing him for information. I needed him alive!"

"Um, guys…" said Dennis timidly, only to be ignored.

"Oh come on! You heard what that thing said, it was two seconds away from ripping your face off!"

"I had it under control! Another couple of minutes and I'd 've learned who was behind all this!"

"No, you'd be dead and I'd be stranded here for the rest of my life with _these_ morons!"

"Guys."

"Has anyone ever told you that you have a **_serious impulse control problem_**!"

"Hey, you're the one who told me to have Bangles out!"

"Yeah, but I didn't tell you to kill him!"

"Well you didn't tell me not to!"

" ** _GUYS_**!"

" ** _WHAT_**!" they both shouted at the younger Kappa, who merely pointed in response.

Acting on instinct, the duo turned to where the lad was pointing and, to their mutual horror, they saw that the headless corpse formerly known as Toffee was slowly picking itself off the ground.

"What…"

"Even…"

Said Janna and Jefferson respectively as the cadaver finally reached a standing position.

Then, in a manner too grotesque even for the young Filipina, the bloody stump that had once been the creature's head slowly started to regenerate.

"Well, that's Septarians for ya." Glossaryk chimed in unexpectedly. "Harder to kill than a cockroach on steroids."

"Sep-what-ians?" asked Jefferson confusedly.

"Sep-tar-ians." The little jinn clarified. "That's the race of Monster that Toffee belongs to… er… _belonged_ to. Anyway, aside from being mentally and physically superior to most other Monsters, they're also virtually indestructible; capable of regenerating themselves from just a single cell. They're pretty much immortal."

"Why didn't you mention that sooner?" asked Janna annoyedly.

"I would have, but I didn't feel like it."

" _Ugh_!"

" ** _RAAAAAAAAAAK_**!" roared the resurrected lizardman as the last vestiges of flesh finally formed around his face. " ** _NOW ME REALLY MAD_**!"

In another blinding flash, the Monster formally known as Toffee was replaced by the imposing form of a giant metal Pteranodon. Wasting no time, the great beast stretched out its wings to blot out the sun; trapping the motley band beneath its giant shadow. Then, with an almost sickening jerk, it reared its head up and howled once more.

" ** _DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE_**!"

End Notes:

Sorry again that this one's so short. I'll make it up in the next one.

Until then, thanks for reading and I'll see you when I see you.

Peace.


	17. Chapter 16

Blah. Blah. Blah. Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Yadda. Yadda. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 16

( _Right where we left off_ )

 ** _BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_**

The entire temple shook as the terrible Pteranodon unleashed a devastating stream of energy from its hideous maw; sending up a cloud of dust and debris as it punched a massive hole in the terrace floor.

In the blast, the group split in two. Dennis was thrown to the right where he received a disorientating blow to the head. Naturally, Ludo rushed over to protect his younger brother, and Freddie and Mercury followed suit to protect him. Janna and Jefferson were thrown to the left, but somehow managed a much softer landing. Naturally, Glossaryk was unaffected by the explosion, so he just casually floated over to join them.

"Well, this looks like the end." The blue jinn said nonchalantly. "For you guys, I mean. I'm pretty much immortal so I'll probably live through this."

"Pretty much immortal? What does that mean?" asked Jefferson, momentarily forgetting their mortal peril.

"Well, I'm not alive in the traditional sense so I can't ever truly die. However, the Spell Book acts as an anchor that keeps me in the Material Plane. If it were ever destroyed, I'd be thrown back into the Void from which I was spawned until a new book was created. Which, admittedly, is a lot like being dead, only your brain keeps going long afterward."

"Yeah, uh-huh, real fascinating." Janna said sarcastically. "But none of that helps us against that thing!"

 ** _RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!_**

 ** _BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_**

 ** _BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_**

 ** _BOOOOOOOM!_**

 ** _BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_**

One after another, the terrible monster-bird unleashed a flurry of seemingly random energy blasts; each one punching a hole through the terrace about the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. And strangely enough, not a single one of them hit anywhere near any of their intended targets.

Almost as if the great beast couldn't aim.

"What the hell's wrong with that thing?" Janna asked, blocking the dust from her eyes. "It's like he's not even trying to hit us."

"Oh, he's trying alright." Glossaryk chimed in again. "He's just having a little trouble adjusting to his new living arrangements."

"Say what now?"

"Think about it. You've got a crow's brain trying to work a lizard's body. Albeit an unnaturally intelligent crow, but a crow nonetheless. Being stuck in a body so fundamentally different from his own must be disorientating. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if the body rejects his brain altogether."

"Can that really happen?" Janna asked hopefully.

"Of course. But it probably won't happen before one of those stray blasts triggers the temple's self-destruct mechanism and kills us all."

"Self-destruct…." The young Filipina said before the words caught in her throat.

Suddenly everything just clicked.

The Temple.

The Kerosene.

Toffee.

His Stand.

Her Stand.

His Shadow.

It all came together like a Davincian Rube Goldberg Machine in her brain.

Suddenly, Janna had an idea. It was quite possibly the single most idiotic idea in the history of the human race, but it was the only one they had.

And besides, it's exactly what Jefferson would do.

"Jefferson… I… I'm sorry." The plump Filipina said ruefully.

"What?" replied her teacher confusedly. "Janna, what are you talking about?"

"I said I'm sorry okay. If I hadn't gotten suspended, you wouldn't 've had to come pick me up and Chemical Romance wouldn't 've sent us here. This whole thing is my fault."

"Janna, that doesn't matter right now."

"Yes it does! Ever since I got my Stand I've been acting like a total bitch! I yell at my friends, I complain about everything, and I just make everyone feel bad! I'm nothing but a bitchy, useless manatee!"

"Janna…"

"Don't start! You know it's true! I'm a horrible friend, a lousy student, and if you were my dad I'd be the worst daughter in the history of the universe!" Janna paused her self-deprecating rant to wipe a tear from her eye, before adopting a much more stoic expression. "But I'm gonna make up for it. Starting now."

"Janna, what are you talking about?"

"Goodbye, Jefferson. I love you."

The elder Stand User said something, presumably a confused remark in reference to her heartfelt farewell. But alas, Janna did not hear him. For she had already shut her eyes and plunged her mind deep into the darkness.

All sight, all sound had been erased.

All that existed was her, Bangles, and the enormous shadow produced by the metal Pteranodon.

Within moments the three became one.

They became a Black Hole.

XXX

( _Several minutes later_ )

" _OOOF!_ "

" _OOOF!_ "

" _OOOOF!_ "

" _SQUAAK!_ "

" _HISS!_ "

One after another, Jefferson, Ludo, Dennis, Mercury, and Freddie were thrown out of the inky abyss and landed on the cold hard ground in a painful pile. Glossaryk, being Glossaryk, did not land so unceremoniously, but instead he just gently floated out of the void; using his fabled Spell Book as a makeshift magic carpet.

"Well… that was a thing that happened." The little jinn said disinterestedly. "Let's never do it again."

" _Ugh_ … what happened?" Jefferson said with a groan as he pulled himself out of the pile. "Where are we?"

"Offhand, I'd say we're on a mountain ledge approximately fifteen miles from where we started." Glossaryk explained. "And as for your first question, I should think that would be obvious. Your protégé used her Stand to send us all through the Shadow World and dump us just beyond the edge of her radius. In order to protect us from the explosion, I presume."

"Whoa. Whoa. _Whoa. Whoa._ **_Whoa_**!" the lanky Stand User cut in franticly. "Explosion! What explosion?"

"The _explosion_ that Janna's going to set off in the temple's hidden storeroom, using your car and about five thousand barrels of Blasting Sauce. Don't act like we didn't talk about this."

" ** _WHAT!_** Janna's setting off a bomb!" Jefferson exclaimed before he started to hyperventilate. "Wh-Wh-Wh-Why would she do something so _stupid_!"

"I told you. Septarians are pretty much immortal. The only way to kill one is to make sure that none of its cells survive. And the only way to do that is to put it at the epicenter of a tremendous, magically enhanced explosion. And the only way to make sure it stays at the epicenter is to set off the explosion while it's standing right next to you. I must say, Janna's quite a clever girl to have put all that together in just a few seconds. Too bad she's gonna be dead soon."

" ** _Go get her!_** " the aged Stand User commanded; grabbing hold of Glossaryk and squeezing him like one would a stress ball. " ** _Now!_** "

"Can't."

"But you're all-powerful!"

"Won't then."

"I don't have time for your crap! Use your Magic to save Janna or I'll…"

"You'll what?" the little jinn asked, sounding both bored and intimidating. "I already told you I can't die. And even if you could get a hold of the Spell Book long enough to burn it, I'd be back in a generation or so. And Janna would be no less dead. Besides, this needs to happen. In order to make sure that abomination dies, someone has to bite the bullet."

"Then why don' you do it? If you're so all fired immortal, why don't you go get blown up instead of her?"

"Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. Gods don't get to be heroes."

Jefferson was about to say something. Presumably calling Glossaryk out on his BS. But whatever it was quickly died in his throat as he was suddenly blinded by distant flash of white light. Soon after, the flash was followed by a deafening _BOOM_ ; as if the skies had been struck by a thousand simultaneous thunderclaps. Lastly came the wind; a powerful, hurricane class gale that threatened to rip the very mountains apart.

And yet despite all this, the old drunk managed to stand his ground and with his eyes wide with horror, he stared straight into the source of this destructive discharge and let out a loud, mournful cry.

" ** _JANNA!_** "

End Notes:

Only a hand full of chapters left, so stay tuned.

Thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.

Peace.


	18. Chapter 17

Just saw Avengers: Endgame. Not gonna lie, I cried like three times. Anyway, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Bleep. Bloop. Blop. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 17.

( _Back at the temple, several minutes earlier_ )

Like a couple of stones in a pond, Janna and Mr. Jones dropped into the sea of kerosene with a mighty splash.

Apparently, all the commotion from the monster-bird's attacks had broken at least a dozen more barrels, for when she managed to pull herself out of the foul smelling liquid, the young Filipina noticed that the level had risen considerably since the last time she was there; now coming up to about her waist.

'Well… at least now I'll burn up quicker.' She thought in a feeble attempt to insert humor into her dark situation. 'Okay, now where's that car?'

Somewhere out in the darkness, she could hear the deranged lizardman splashing about; jabbering nonsensical curses and gaging on the noxious fumes. What a stroke of luck. With his sense of sight and smell impaired, she was free to enact her plan unmolested.

Great… right?

I mean, yes, she'd be dead. But so would Mr. Jones. And Jefferson and the others would be safe. Granted, they'd still be stuck on top of a mountain, but at least they'd still be alive. And yeah, her mom would be devastated, but it's not like she'd be alone. She'd still have Jefferson. That is… if he ever figured out how to get off the mountain. And back to Earth. And if her mom didn't blame him for her death and break up with him.

You know, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

 ** _NO!_**

No backing down now.

She was here and she was going to do what needed to be done.

That is, if she could ever find that damn car!

Suddenly, Janna had a flash of inspiration. She pulled out her phone and, to little surprise, she saw that it was down to only 10%. Which was fine, since she only needed it for a few more seconds anyway. So, she just silently flipped the little switch on the side and activated the built-in flashlight.

 _Click_

And just like that, she could see where she was going.

To her immense relief, Janna found her mentor's busted up old sedan less than ten feet away. And with her foe still distracted she was able to wade towards it through the foul smelling slurry with little difficulty. Getting the door open, however, proved to be a bit of a challenge, what with the Blasting Sauce putting up some resistance, but even that was quickly resolved with a little brute force. Now all that remained was to reach inside, flip one little switch and… let herself get blown to kingdom come.

Once again, the young Filipina was beginning to question the sanity of her plan. Was this really her only option? Was killing herself really the only way to stop this reptilian menace and save her mentor, or was this just a convenient excuse to avoid facing everyone after what a selfish bitch she'd been? Could she really just be looking for a way to end it all?

After hearing Jefferson's story and learning how he'd overcome his own demons to become the kind, compassionate man he is today, Janna had, admittedly, felt a little ashamed of her recent behavior. But was she really that ashamed? Ashamed enough to let herself be atomized by the magical equipollent of a hydrogen bomb? Had she really come to hate herself that much?

Honestly, she wasn't really sure.

And unfortunately she didn't have the time to figure it out. For while she was lost in thought, Mr. Jones had apparently regained his senses. Because the next thing Janna knew, the deranged lizardman had wrapped his scaly tail around her midsection and flung her clear across the room.

 ** _SMASH!_**

Went about three or four barrels of kerosene as she was slammed against them with the force of a medium sized wrecking ball. Miraculously, only a single wooden shard had pierced her flesh as a result, but it was a big one. A long, jagged piece of centuries old Mewnian pine that dug deep into the back of her left thigh. Not that she really payed all that much attention to the pain; what with her slowly sinking into a sea of potentially toxic chemicals.

Luckily, before the air in her lungs could turn stale, a scaly hand grabbed her by the collar of her blouse and pulled her out of the drink. Evidently, when Mr. Jones had grabbed her, her phone had landed on the roof of the old sedan, for its light was still illuminating the room; at least enough for her to see the silhouette of her assailant as he attempted to wring her neck.

" _RRRAAAAAAK! Ugly girl think she so smart! Try to kill me! But it not work!_ " the saurian psychopath shouted, his hot, rancid breath burning her nostrils as he spoke. " _Not work! Not work! You no kill me!_ _ **ME KILL YOU**_ _!_ "

Suddenly, he tightened his grip around her throat.

" _Me know what you thinking. You want me to use Stand. Use YYZ. Make me blow me up! But me no need Stand to kill you. Me just squeeze you 'til your eyeballs pop! Then me eat them! Then me eat you! Gobble you all up! Make Master very happy. Make me very full. Fat girl make good breakfast! Fat girl make good lunch and dinner too!_ _ **AH-AH-HA-HA-HA! REEAAAAK**_ _!_ "

Despite the lack of oxygen getting to her brain, Janna was still lucid enough to hear everything her captor was saying. Which was a poor stroke of luck for Ol' Mr. Jones, because that little crack about her weight had been enough to make her blood boil. So much so that, acting purely on instinct, the young Filipina summoned her Stand using the light from her phone, had it rip the wooden shard out of her thigh and then plunged it straight into the Saurian's left eye; forcing him to release her windpipe as he howled in agony.

" ** _RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKK! FILTHY BITCH!_** "

Wasting no time, Janna trudged her way through the sea of Blasting Sauce to get back to her mentor's old sedan. But as she did, she began to notice something strange about her attacker's nonsensical jabbering. Suddenly, he was making even less sense.

" ** _KRAAAAAAAAAK_** _! Filthy Pig Girl! Scheming Skeevy Pudgy Whore! You suffer for this! Me make you scream! Make you_ _ **bleed**_ _! Bite open your fat belly and eat your eyes! Me… What? Who say that? Who there?_ _ **WHAT**_ _! No!_ _ **NO**_ _! You no be here! Master kill you! Master make you gone! You faker! You not real! NO!_ _ **NO**_ _! Get back! You stay away!_ _ **NO**_ _!_ _ **NO**_ _!_ _ **SQWAAAAAK**_ _!_ "

After that came a loud splash followed by an ominous silence.

Janna had no idea what was going on and she didn't care.

All that mattered now was getting to the car, flipping the switch and putting an end to this once and for all.

Within moments she was at the door of the old sedan. She reached inside; closing her eyes as her fingers drew closer and closer to the little knob that would seal her doom. She was mere inches away from it, when a scaly hand grabbed her wrist.

"Not so fast." Said a suave yet stern voice as she was forcibly spun around. "I believe this belongs to you."

It took a moment for Janna to process what was going on, but after the initial shock had worn off she realized that, for some reason, Mr. Jones was trying to give her back her phone.

What's more, he wasn't acting like his usual, deranged self. His posture was better, his breathing was normal, and his eyes were no longer glazed and unfocused; almost as if there was a functioning brain working behind then.

"I said, I believe this belongs to you." The lizardman repeated, sounding mildly annoyed.

"Oh, uh… sorry. T-Thank you." Janna replied, too dumbstruck to do anything else, as she timidly took the device from his scaly hand.

"Don't mention it." He replied as he casually pushed her aside and stuck his head inside the car. "Is this what you were looking for?"

Janna leaned in cautiously and saw that he was pointing at the switch for the headlights.

"Y-Y-Yeah. That's it." She answered, trying her best not to sound afraid.

"Hmmm… Yes, I see. One little twist and it will set off a spark. Which will ignite the Infernium and blast us all into oblivion. Not bad, child. You're quite devious for someone so young."

"Uh… thanks." She said as the pieces in her head started to come together. "You're him aren't you? You're Toffee."

"Yes, I am." He answered as he pulled his head back out and stood up straight.

"But… you're supposed to be dead. I thought that Brando guy killed you."

"No, he just shattered my mind. If he was half as smart as he thinks he is, he would've finished me off while I was helpless. But he underestimated me. He didn't know that I could reassemble my fractured psyche through sheer force of will." The lizardman said smugly before adding. "Of course, I didn't know that either, so I guess that makes us even."

"What… What happened to Mr. Jones?"

"He's still in here. But now that I'm back he's not strong enough to take control again. You see, I've been playing possum for the last hour or so. I was going to wait until later so I could rip that bastard's throat out in his sleep, but you've given me a much better idea. Thanks, by the way."

"Eh… you're welcome." Janna said confusedly." So what happens now?"

"Oh, I'm going to blow myself up." He answered bluntly. "You can stay or go. It doesn't matter."

"So… you're just gonna kill yourself? Just like that?"

"Don't get me wrong. I'd much rather stay alive, it's just… my death will bring Brando so much more misery."

"I don't understand."

"And I don't expect you to. Look, you can stay if you want. I really don't mind the company. But take it from somehow whose been blown up before, it's not a pleasant way to go. And besides, I'm not sure your father could handle the loss. He seems like the emotional type."

Janna opened her mouth to say something, presumably to correct him about Jefferson being her father, but decided not to when another thought crept into her mind.

"Wait… How do I know this isn't a trick?"

"You don't." he answered bluntly. "But if you really want to make sure I go through with it, I guess you'll just have to stick around."

The young Filipina pondered this for a moment. If he was telling the truth, then this would solve all her problems. She wouldn't have to die. But if he wasn't, she could be letting a powerful enemy get away. Which could mean serious trouble for her friends down the line.

Honestly, she didn't know what to do.

She didn't want to die.

But she also didn't want to put her friends or anyone else in danger.

But she **_really_** didn't want to leave Jefferson.

Just then, as if reacting to her own subconscious desires, her Stand activated and she fell feet first into the Realm of Shadows.

XXX

( _Back in the Storeroom_ )

Toffee stared in mild amazement at the spot where the chubby girl had vanished.

'Huh… for a second there, I really thought she was going to stay.' He thought before shrugging. 'Well, she is a child after all.'

And with that, the Septarian General climbed into the old sedan and took a seat.

"Hmm… not bad." He mused as he shut the door behind him. "Much more efficient than a horse drawn cart."

He paused for a moment to adjust the rearview mirror; just so he could get one last look at himself.

"Sorry handsome, looks like this is where we part ways." He said jokingly to his reflection. "Wish I had time to fix this hair, but I doubt that'll matter where I'm going."

He reached out with his signature hand, the one that bore the constant reminder of his greatest shame, and placed his scaly fingers on the all-important knob.

"Oh Brando, I don't know if you're listening, but on the off chance you can hear me, I just want to let you know that you brought this on yourself." He said bitterly to his unseen adversary. "I could've found another patsy. It would've taken time, but I could've finished my plan without Ludo. I could've rid the Universe of Magic and driven the Mewmans to extinction. But then you came along with your sick dreams of _Utopia_."

A raging fire started to burn deep within his heart, but Toffee managed to keep it under control.

"You know, I never thought I could hate anyone more than the Butterflies. And I never dreamed I could ever hate anyone enough to drive me to _this_. But you proved me wrong, Brando. And now you're going to pay."

His fingers itched with anticipation, but still he controlled himself.

"My one regret is that I won't be around to watch as your precious dreams die. But just knowing that I helped bring about your demise will be enough to keep me smiling; even in the depths of Hell."

Suddenly, Toffee's snout split into a cruel and twisted smile.

"And I'll be waiting for you, down there in the darkness. And when you finally join me, I'll walk right up to you and I'll greet you with two simple little words."

At last the anticipation had become too great.

He could no longer contain himself.

" _I win~_ "

 _Click_

XXX

( _Meanwhile, in a dimension far, far away_ )

Within the fabled Crystal Citadel of Sir Rhombulus the Accuser sits a menagerie of cosmic horrors encased in unbreakable diamond.

And at the very heart of it all sat a lone figure; a pale skinned woman with black hair and a gothic styled dress, frozen in time for centuries untold.

And upon her face she wore a cheeky little smirk.

Almost as if she knew that at that very moment a tiny nick would appear on the surface of her prison.

And that over the next few minutes that nick would grow bigger.

And _bigger_.

And **_bigger_**.

Until…

 ** _CRACK!_**

End Notes:

I'm gonna try to wrap this up in three or four more chapters and then I'm going on hiatus again.

See you next time.

Peace.


	19. Chapter 18

Firstly, I'm sorry this chapter took so long. I've been kinda sick the last few weeks. Anyway, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Blah. Blah. Blah. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 18.

( _Back with the rest of the group_ )

" ** _JANNA!_** " Jefferson howled over the roar of the explosion as the high winds whipped his body like a belligerent slave driver. Not that he cared, since any physical pain was nothing compared to the soul shattering turmoil he felt at the apparent loss of his young protégé.

Within moments, the light of the great blast faded, revealing only open sky where once had been an imposing mountain range.

Not only had the explosion all but atomized the temple, it had cleared away nearly every peak that had surrounded it; save for the one he was currently standing on.

In his mind's eye, Jefferson could picture a great mass of debris just beneath the cloud cover. And somewhere amidst that sea of shattered stones, he knew, must lay some shredded, bloody remnant of his beloved student.

 _Oh God!_

It was just too horrible to imagine.

So horrible that the aged Stand User fell to his knees and began to weep uncontrollably.

How could he have let this happen?

Why didn't he stop her?

There must've been something he could've done to save her.

But now it was too late.

Now she was gone.

Gone forever.

"Uh… Jefferson?"

Wait… **_WHAT_**?

Acting on instinct and pure adrenaline, the lanky man spun around and, to his great elation, he saw his young ward standing less than five feet away; battered and reeking of kerosene, but otherwise alright.

"J-J-J-J-Janna?" he stammered, almost not believing his own eyes. "Is it really you?"

"Yeah… it's me." She replied, her breathing a little labored. "I… I'm sorry if I made you wor…"

Before he even knew what was happening, Jefferson had somehow closed the gap between them and wrapped his plump protégé in a warm and loving embrace; which she gladly returned.

After about a minute or so of this, the elder Stand User released her, wiped the tears from his eyes, and adopted a much sterner expression.

" _NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!_ " he shouted; his voice echoing off the mountainside.

"I won't… I promise." She replied, seemingly unfazed by the outburst. "But it's over. Mr. Jones is gone and he's not coming back."

" _Sigh_. Well, that's one problem solved." Jefferson said, suddenly feeling a thousand pounds lighter. "But we're still stranded on the top of this mountain, and with that gash in your side, I don't think you're in any shape to climb down. Also, I'm just now realizing that I haven't had any water since we got here. I'm not sure I can even stand back up."

"I could fly us down." Said Dennis, suddenly reminding the two humans that they were not alone. "I could carry Janna on my back. And you and Ludo could ride on the bird while it carries the spider."

" _Ugh_. That sound like too much work." Ludo whined childishly as he pulled a familiar object out of his beard. "Let's just use my Dimensional Scissors and be done with it."

An uncomfortable silence fell over the group, broken only by the almost imperceptible sound of Janna's left eye twitching.

"Ludo… what are _those_?" she asked, trying very hard to control her rage.

"Uh… they're my Dimensional Scissors. I just told you."

"You also told us that you lost them!"

"I did. But then I remembered where I hid them right after Jefferson finished his story."

"So you've had them since last night?"

"Um… yes."

"So you're telling me that I almost blew myself to kingdom come and you had the power to send us all home _last night_?"

"Well, get pissy if you want, but I've been enjoying our time together."

" ** _I'M GONNA KILL YOU!_** " Janna roared as she lunged at the tiny Kappa; only to be held back by her mentor.

"Easy, Janna. Easy. Just let it go." He said as he did his best to hold her in place.

" ** _NO! I'M GONNA KILL HIM! I'M GONNA RIP HIS F***ING HEAD OFF!_** "

"No. _No_. Just look at me for a second. Janna, look at me." Jefferson said in a stern yet compassionate voice as he forced her to look at him. "Sweetie, it's not worth it. Our adventure's over, just let it go."

"But I **_hate_** him so much."

"I know, Pumpkin. I know. But you're pretty banged up and I'm about to die of thirst. We've got a way to get home, so let's just let it be over. Okay?"

" _Sigh_. Okay…" she said reluctantly, before pouting like a spoiled child.

For a split second everything seemed to be coming to an acceptable ending, when suddenly…

" _Wait_!" Dennis shouted, instantly gaining everyone's attention. "This isn't over! Mr. Jones might be dead, but Brando's still out there. And he knows where I live!"

"Sweet Corn, that's right!" Ludo exclaimed, joining in on his brother's frantic worrying. "The Temple's gone. My old Castle's gone. We can't go back to Mom and Dad's place. What are we going to do? Where will we live?"

Yes, it was quite a pickle, but luckily Jefferson was already two steps ahead.

"Actually," he said with a charismatic smile. "I have some thoughts about that."

XXX

( _Meanwhile, back in Echo Creek_ )

On the upper west side of town sits the palatial estate known as Cygne Manor; ancestral home of one of Echo Creek's wealthiest and most influential families for over a hundred and twenty years.

And deep beneath this pristine, castle like façade, about five or six levels below the surface, sits a room that very few have seen and lived to tell about it.

A dark and unholy sanctum for only the sickest and most depraved sorts of rituals.

A place known only as… The Butchery.

However, on this particular day, the room was not being used for anything as simple as a Cannibalistic Feast or a Survival Game or even, God forbid, a Mad Tea Party. But rather, it was the setting of a much more twisted endeavor.

One that would change the course of many lives.

"Is it ready yet?" asked Dr. Sally Cygne, the Lady of the House, as she exited the small, two-person elevator that was the only means of entering the dark sanctum; her beloved daughter Chantelle following close behind.

At the center of the room, standing just above what appeared to be a large drain, was a woman in a black hooded cloak. Much of her face was obscured because of the room's dim lighting, but given her hunched posture and skeleton like hands, it was clear that she was much older than Dr. Cygne; at least seventy-five years old, maybe more.

"The ritual may begin as soon as your daughter is ready." The old crone answered in a raspy, Asian accented voice. "But again I must warn you that what you desire has never been done before. It may not even be possible."

"Oh, but it is possible." Chantelle spoke up suddenly, a Cheshire-like grin spreading across her lips. "I've seen it with my own eyes. Stand Fusion. The next stage in human evolution."

"Be that as it may, mixing Stands with Sorcery has always proved more problematic than profitable." The old woman replied cryptically. "Throughout human history, many brave or foolish souls have tried to attain a higher power by melding the two world together. And each time there have been grave consequences."

"Yes, well, that's what I'm paying you for. To make sure that doesn't happen." Dr. Cygne spoke up again, fixing the old hag with the most piercing gaze she could muster. "Remember our deal, hag. You make my baby's wish come true and I'll make you rich. Fail and I'll make you into sashimi."

Just to emphasize her point, the good doctor allowed some of her bloodlust to leak out; just enough to make the old witch shutter with fright.

"I remember, my lady." The old crone replied, having quickly regained her composure. "Now, if your daughter is ready, we may proceed."

"Just a second." Dr. Cygne said politely as she took Chantelle aside. "First I need to clarify something with her."

"Very good." Replied the witch, and she left them to their own devices.

"Now, Precious." The good Doctor said sweetly to her only child. "You know I'd do anything for you, but are you really sure this is what you want? This… Stand Fusion thing sounds awfully risky. It might bring us a lot of unwanted attention. We might be forced to go into hiding."

"We're already in hiding, Mumsy. We have been ever since the dark ages. And I for one am sick of it." The young cheerleader rebutted. "I'm tired of living in the shadows and feeding off society's leftovers. I wanna live like our ancestors lived. I wanna rule this town!"

"We already do, Sweetness."

"Yeah, but they don't know it. They don't know what we're capable of. That we're the masters of Echo Creek and they're nothing but our playthings. They only know what society says we can show them. I want to show them what fear is. I want to _really_ **_eat_**!"

"Dearest, I know what you're going through." Dr. Cygne said sympathetically. "I had those same thoughts when I was your age. As did my mother and her mother before her. We all want to go back to the glory days of our great, great etcetera grandfather, the Count. But it's a different world now. That's why we had to go into hiding."

"But with this power we won't need to hide anymore. With Stand Fusion our family will rule this town like vengeful gods. And if anyone gets in our way we'll rip they're f***ing heads off!"

"Language, Darling."

"I'm sorry, Mumsy. But you're not gong to change my mind. I want this more than anything I've ever wanted in my entire life. And nothing's going to get in my way. Not even you."

Dr. Cygne thought about this for a moment. She wanted to argue, but deep down she knew that would do her no good. She had never been very good at saying no to her precious baby girl.

"Well… I suppose if it'll make you happy…"

"Thanks, Mumsy." Chantelle said extatically before planting a quick peck on her mother's cheek and rushing over to the center of the room. "Alright, you old bag! Let's do this!"

"Very good, Young Mistress." The witch said with a crooked smile. "Just lay down on the floor and we may begin."

As the young Cheerleader complied, her mother's mind was still racing with anxiety. True, all things considered the risks were minimal. The sorceress she's shanghaied into service was one of the best in her field. And yes, Chantelle had already eliminated the two biggest threats to their family's security several days earlier. But still, a part of her couldn't help but worry. What if something went wrong?

'NO!' she told herself, dispelling all her negative thoughts. 'My Chantelle is a bright girl, I know she's thought this through. And besides, if anything does go wrong, I'll be here to fix it. Just like always. You hear that, baby? Mommy's gonna keep you safe.'

And with that, the proud, protective parent looked on in support as the withered old hag plunged a long, sharp syringe deep into her beloved daughter's heart.

'Mommy's gonna keep you safe.'

End Notes:

Only two chapters left before I go on break.

Until then, thanks for reading

Peace.


	20. Chapter 19

Here it is, the penultimate chapter. So let's not beat around the bush. Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Yadda. Yadda. Let's get started. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Chapter 19.

( _At the base of what remains of the Jaggy Mountains, later that afternoon_ )

Many miles below the seemingly perpetual cloud cover of the Jaggy Mountain Range sits a great expanse of shattered rock and permafrost; an enormous clearing over twenty miles in diameter. In the decades that followed this week's events, this land would eventually come into the possession of a savvy young Chimera by the name of Alvin Polk, who would convert it into a lucrative open-pit mining operation that would later propel him into running for public office.

But that is neither here nor there.

What matters, dear reader, is that on this day, this rocky terrain served only as a quiet place for a wicked man to mourn in solitude.

" ** _WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!_** " Brando howled like a wounded animal as he fell to knees; tears streaming down his cheeks like a pair of tiny waterfalls. " _MR. JONES! HOW? HOW COULD I HAVE LET THIS HAPPEN?_ "

He wailed at the top of his voice; his cries echoing across the great abyss.

"Oh God! Oh, my oldest and dearest friend! Please forgive me! I never should've sent you after them alone! I should've gone with you! But now… now you're… **_GWAAAAAAAAAAAH!_** "

This continued for several more minutes.

But while he was busy bawling like a baby, the soulless automaton formerly known as Mina Loveberry was standing at attention less than ten feet away; ever vigilant for threats to her master's safety.

Unwavering.

Unmoving.

Unblinking.

 ** _WWWRRMMMM! WWWRRMMMM!_**

 ** _WWWRRMMMM! WWWRRMMMM!_**

 ** _WWWRRMMMM! WWWRRMMMM!_**

 ** _WWWRRMMMM! WWWRRMMMM!_**

Suddenly, her vigil was interrupted by a familiar rumbling in her pelvis. Someone was attempting to contact her via her compact magic mirror. Not wanting to seem rude, and being a slave to her programing, Mina promptly retrieved the device from her midsection and proceeded to answer it.

"Hello." She said in the soulless monotone that was her voice. "I am sorry, but my Master is unavailable right now. Please call again late… Uh-huh… Yes, I see, but… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… I see. Very well. One moment please."

Mina covered the screen with her free hand before turning her attention to Brando.

"Master."

" _What?_ " the Hobyah Man replied caustically; tears still falling from his sunken eyes.

"You have a call from…"

"Just tell whoever it is to go die in an alley!"

"I cannot do that. Largely because Lady Hekapoo is immortal. Also…"

" _Hekapoo_? What does that little whore want now?"

"I do not know. But she is most insistent that she speak with you. She says it is important."

"I'm sure she does." He said bitterly as he forced himself back onto his feet; wiping the tears from his face in the process. " _Sigh_. Fine, let's see what she wants."

And with his composure momentarily regained, Brando took the phone from his mind slave and held it up so he could see.

"This had better be important, Witch." He said in the most controlled, yet threatening tone he could manage. "I'm in no mood for your games."

" _Yeesh_. Take a pill, why don'tcha. I was just calling to congratulate you on a job well done." Hekapoo replied in a casual yet narcissistic manner. "I don't know what you did, but we've been getting calls since three in the morning. Magic Levels in over two dozen dimensions are starting to rise. At least 30% of all the spatial anomalies have cleared up. And I just got a text from Sean, and he says the coffee maker's working for the first time in weeks."

"I take it that means you're all satisfied?"

" _Ha_!. You're damn right we're satisfied. Six months we've knocking our brains out trying to fix this thing and you take care of it in just a few days. You're a miracle worker, you know that."

"I do my best." Brando replied, feigning humility. "So, does this mean you're all onboard?"

"Well, you've got my support. That's for sure. I mean, you're shifty and untrustworthy, but you get results. I guess I could sleep at night knowing Mewni was in your hands. So long as I didn't have to worry about it anymore." The fire witch answered casually. "Omnitraxus feels the same way. He's all but certain your side will win if we don't interfere. He's even started putting together a list of potential replacements for Queen Moon."

"Is that right?"

"Yeah. Well, anyway, Rhombulus is still on the fence, but I can tell he's leaning towards dumping Mewni like the rest of us. The only real problem is Lekmet. He's just as sick of the Butterflies and all their crap as the rest of us, but he's also a staunch traditionalist. If we can't sway him, he could blow the whistle on our whole arrangement."

"Then perhaps I need to sweeten the deal." The Hobyah Man said mischievously as he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a familiar blackened jewel shard. "Think this might change his mind?"

The look on Hekapoo's face was absolutely priceless.

"W-W-Where did you get that?" the fire witch stammered; momentarily losing her trademark cool.

"I have my ways." Brando said cryptically before choosing to elaborate. "The 'Fritz', as you call it, was the work of your old friend Toffee. He used this jewel shard and his own severed hand to form a second Wand, which he used as a gateway to the Realm of Magic and a lifeline to keep from losing his memories. Once there, he used a patsy here on Mewni to infect the Realm with negative emotions. His plan was to slowly taint the source of all Magic until it ceased to be. Fortunately, I was there to stop him before the effects became irreversible."

" _Whistle_ … Damn." Hekapoo replied, apparently unable to think of anything else to say.

"Indeed. So now that we've established just how much you're all indebted to me, do you think this little bauble will be enough to sway ol' goatface to our side?"

"It just might." The fire witch answered, allowing a cocky grin to spread across her face. "When can we have it?"

"I think I'll hold onto it for now; for insurance purposes. But do tell Lekmet everything I've told you and that I'm willing to messenger it to you as soon as I've conquered Mewni."

"Oh, so it's a ransomgram type situation." Hekapoo reasoned impishly. "I feel ya. But on the outside chance you fail, what happens to the shard?"

"If that happens, then Queen Moon can have the honor of lifting it off my corpse." Brando replied with a crooked smirk. "Naturally, she'll assume that I was the mastermind behind the Fritz and go on to live out the rest of her life never knowing how close you all came to stabbing her in the back. Either way, you win."

"Sounds good to me." She replied casually. "I'll let the others know about our little convo and we'll see where we wanna go from there. Enjoy the rest of your day, Your Majesty."

And with that, the call abruptly ended.

XXX

( _Meanwhile, in the Crystal Citadel_ )

With a weary sigh, Hekapoo closed her compact mirror and tucked it away somewhere within the recesses of her giant dress.

"There. It's done." She said as she turned to her two associates; her voice dripping with revulsion. " _Shudder_. Talking to that freak makes my skin crawl."

"Why didn't you tell him about Eclipsa?" Omnitraxus asked confusedly. "He helped us fix the Fritz. He could've helped us with this too."

"Yes, but that would involve bringing him here and talking to him directly. Which, in case you've forgotten, is out of the question." The fire witch explained. "You saw what he did to Mina. God only knows what else that sicko can do. No, the less contact we have with him the better."

" _Er_ … I don't know about this." Rhombulus spoke up uneasily. "Maybe we shouldn't do this. Maybe we should just call Queen Moon and…"

 ** _SMACK!_**

With an effortless display of her superhuman speed and power, Hekapoo zipped across the room to give her rockheaded colleague a quick slap across the face; an act she quickly regretted upon remembering that his entire head was made of diamond. But of course, she was a tough old gal, so she ignored her bleeding palm and grabbed the big oaf by the collar of his stupid cape.

"Don't go soft on me, Gravel Brain!" the fire witch said caustically. "You know damn well what'll happen if the Queen finds out about our deal with Brando! Even without the Wand, she's stronger than all of us put together! If she even suspects that we're conspiring against her she could blast us all into oblivion without even trying! Is that what you want?"

"N-No! But… But, do we really need to do this? I mean, things aren't that bad."

" _Aren't that bad?_ " Hekapoo parroted furiously as she released her associate's collar. "Are you joking? Rhobulus, we're supposed to be the Magic High Commission. We're supposed to be the wise, all-knowing council that regulates Magic for the entire Universe. And yet, time and time again, we've been forced to abandon our larger responsibilities just to accommodate the whims of one mortal Kingdom. Solving _their_ problems and fighting in _their_ wars. And what's our reward for our selfless dedication? A mountain of headaches curtesy of the Butterfly Family!"

"That's… true." The Grand Accuser admitted reluctantly.

"You're damn right it is! Remember all the paperwork and angry calls we had to deal with when Skywynne blew up that dimension? Remember the fourteen years we spent raising some random orphan because Eclipsa couldn't keep it in her pants? Hell, it's thanks to Rhina that we're down one member!"

"I miss Reynaldo." Onmitraxus said sentimentally.

"We all do! But do the Butterflies care? No! Everywhere else in the universe, we're respected and revered as deities, but not on Mewni. No, around there we're not the Scissors Enforcer, or the Grand Accuser, or the God of Space-Time. We're just the Queen's flunkies! Well I'm sick of it! And I know you are too! So if that overgrown monkey skeleton wants to give us an excuse to cut ties, I say let him!"

"I guess that makes sense." Rhombulus spoke up again. "But still, shouldn't we at least tell Queen Moon about Eclipsa? I mean, she could help us…"

" ** _No!_** " Hekapoo answered emphatically. "If we tell Moon that Eclipsa's escaped, she's gonna wanna know how. And that will lead to a lot of other questions we don't want answered. And besides, we don't need her. Eclipsa can't use Magic without her Wand and she didn't have any Scissors on her when we froze her the first time. So she must still be somewhere in the Citadel. All we have to do is find her."

"You make a lot of good points, Hekapoo." Omnitraxus remarked offhandedly. "But you seem to have overlooked one thing. Eclipsa's pact with Queen Moon was strong enough to shatter Rhombulus' crystals. For all we know, we might not be able to imprison her again."

To this, the fire witch just smiled and said,

"In that case, we'll go with Plan B."

XXX

( _Back in the Jaggy Mountains_ )

" _Ugh_. Skeevy little witch." Brando said annoyedly. "She's hiding something from me. I don't know what, but I could see it in her eyes. Something's going on over there."

"Master, may I ask you a question?" Mina asked in her usual monotone.

"I believe you just did. But alright, go ahead."

"If Lady Hekapoo and the other Commission Members are a threat to Utopia, why not simply reprogram them like you did me?"

"Believe me, I'd like nothing better than to put those pompous frauds under my thrall." The Hobyah Man replied bitterly, before forcing himself to calm down. "But unfortunately, puppets such as yourself require too much… maintenance to keep them functioning properly. And besides, any significant changes in behavior from any of the Commissioners would tip off the Queen. And we need her to be as ignorant as possible, at least until the revolution begins."

"Does she really pose that much of a threat to your plans?"

"Twenty years ago I would've said 'hell no', but the sad truth is I'm just not as powerful as I used to be. And the Queen's mind is one of the strongest I've ever encountered. No, if I were to face her now, I'm all but certain I'd lose."

"I see." The purple haired meat puppet remarked. "Then how shall we deal with her when the time comes?"

"To be honest, I'm not sure. Mr. Jones was supposed to be my ace in the hole in case things got hairy. But now that he's… he's… _he's_ …" Brando paused for a moment to wipe his eyes before he continued. "Sorry, but now that he's… _deceased_ , I am without a trump card."

"What about me, Master?"

"That's sweet of you to offer, my precious little robot. But for my plan to work I need someone who can operate independent of my will. Why, even now your words are being chosen by my unconscious mind. This whole conversation is nothing more than an elaborate charade concocted by my subconscious to help me come up with a solution."

"Oh, I see." Mina replied dully. "Are you insane, Master?"

Brando opened his mouth to respond, but was cutoff when the ground began to shake.

"Wh-Wh-Wh-What the He-E-e-e-E-e-E-LL!" the Hobyah Man exclaimed as he struggled to stay on his feet.

Beside him, Mina was having similar troubles, but her expression remained unchanged.

After several minutes of this, an enormous, clawed hand burst forth from the rubble; sending up a geyser of dust and debris that nearly blotted out what little sunlight could pierce the cloud cover.

Within moments, the hand was joined by its twin and the two proceeded to free their master from the sea of rock.

Once the shaking had finally stopped and his eyes had stopped burning from the dust, Brando suddenly found himself in the shadow of a great beast.

Before him, standing waist deep in an ocean of stone, was a creature straight from the Titanomachy.

Eyes like bonfires.

Teeth like swords.

Arms as thick as oak trees.

And the raw power radiating from its aura was so overwhelming that it very nearly made his knees buckle.

In short, it was like standing before a primeval god.

After, presumably, allowing itself to readjust to the light, the creature focused its four enormous eyes squarely on the Hobyah Man and, in a voice raspy from years of disuse, it spoke.

"Where… is… Eclipsa?"

And as he stood there, trembling, a hideous smile spread across Brando's lips before he shouted back.

"Well, hello handsome!"

End Notes:

All that remains now is the Epilogue.

Thanks for reading and I'll see you there.

Peace.


	21. Epilogue

Well… here's the Epilogue. FINALLY! Anyway, just a quick heads up. Make sure you read my note at the end. It concerns the future of this series. Anyway, Star vs the Forces of Evil is owned by Disney and Stands are the creation of the brilliant and talented Hirohiko Araki. Blah. Blah. Blah. Enjoy.

A Clock in my Head: Epilogue.

( _Cambridge, Massachusetts: July 24, 2046_ )

"So anyway, after we all got back to my place and had a few hours to recuperate, Jefferson called everyone down to the park to compare notes." The plump professor explained, pausing only for a moment to wipe a stray drop of sauce from her chin. "Turns out that while we were gone, Annie assumed temporary command of the group. She had the others running their drills while she was using some of Jefferson's old contacts to try and find us. Honestly, I was kind of impressed with how well the little dorkus had handled things in our absence. Not that I ever told her that."

"Why not?" asked Marisol innocently.

"Eh… You wouldn't understand." Janna answered gruffly. "Anyway, after we all got caught up, Jefferson made good on his promise to Ludo. He used the Dimensional Scissors to send him and Dennis and all their little pets over to Jackie's island. That way they could all live off the land without worrying about anyone coming after them."

"Oh, I get it." Artemis chimed in unexpectedly. "So that's how those doofi ended up in Aunt Jackie's cult."

"Yup. She used to visit them whenever she snuck off to go meditate or whatever. They'd hang out, get high on those damn mushrooms and rattle off whatever insane theories about the universe popped into their heads. Believe it or not, it was actually Ludo's idea to start that stupid religion in the first place."

"Personally, I found Aunt Jackie's ideology to be quite stimulating." Marisol spoke up in a tone that only made her sound slightly like a know-it-all. "I'll admit that some of her theories about the nature of reality are a bit… convoluted, but overall I think Omnitology is a very fascinating…"

"Blah, Blah, Blah, Big Words, _Blah_!" Artemis interrupted callously. "So what did you guys decide to do about Brando?"

"Well, at the time we didn't know who Brando really was or what he was doing." The plump professor explained. "We all just figured he was some random Stand User who somehow got Hekapoo to give him a pair of Scissors. And since we were still dealing with the Chemical Romance Crisis, we figured the best thing to do was have Star call her mom and explain the situation."

"Wild guess. That didn't work out so well?"

"No, it didn't." Janna replied almost sullenly. "Your grandma didn't pick up when Star called so she just left her a really long message; explaining about Brando, Stands, the whole ordeal. But of course, we had no idea that Mewni was on the brink of civil war, so that message got buried under a mountain of field reports from her scouts, supply requisitions from her soldiers and god knows how many complaints from stressed out nobles. Just think, the one bit of intel that could've prevented a violent, bloody revolution and it was lost in the bureaucracy of war. Ain't life a bitch?"

"So, what happened to you after you got back home?" asked Marisol inquisitively. "Was your mother worried? Did you ever make up with your teacher? What did…"

" Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Easy there, motormouth." The plump professor interrupted. "Firstly, if you'll recall, I said earlier that my mom was out of town at the time, so she never even knew we were missing. Come to think of it, she never knew about a lot of the stuff Jefferson and I got up to. Which is probably a good thing. Anyway, to answer your other question, yes, I made up with Skullnick. As soon as my suspension was up, I marched right up to her desk a few hours before class and I apologized for acting like such a brat. I even took her up on her offer and met up with her after school a couple times a week to talk about my… issues."

"So what happened?" asked Artemis abruptly. "I mean, it sounds like you worked through most of your issues. So how come you're still all… bitchy and fat?"

The young Princess quickly steeled herself; expecting to either be punched in the arm by her sister or have her head bitten off by her aunt. But surprisingly, neither happened. Instead, Janna just let out a soft, mournful sigh while Marisol gave her a sympathetic look.

"I guess it just all comes down to human nature." The old professor replied sullenly. "We humans are one of the few species capable of learning from our mistakes. But unfortunately, we quickly forget the lessons we learn and repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Or worse, we avoid making old mistakes only to make brand new ones. Bigger ones. Ones that follow us for the rest of our lives. I've made such mistakes, and now here I am. Overweight. Over forty. Unmarried and living alone with Mr. Perkins."

"Who?" Artemis asked confusedly.

"My cat." Janna replied. "You kids aren't allergic are you? Probably should've said something earlier."

"No, we're not allergic." Marisol answered politely. "But, Aunt Janna, if I may be so bold, you really mustn't be so hard on yourself just because your romantic life is… less than ideal. You have a lot to be proud of."

"Like what?" the plump professor asked bitterly.

"Well, for one thing, you're a highly respected professor at one of the most prestigious universities on this planet."

" _Pfff_. Big deal."

"Yes, it is a big deal." Marisol countered sternly. "From what I understand, there are a lot of people out there who would sell one of their own kidneys to have a job like yours. And what's more, you help enrich the minds of future generations."

"I'm a glorified babysitter for a bunch of dead-eyed trust fund brats."

"You selflessly offer up your time and energy to share your passion for literature with others. And sure, you may not reach all of your students, but the ones you do really appreciate the effort you put in. And because of you they'll likely go on to become great scholars or novelists. You have enriched the lives of who knows how many young people and given them direction. And if you can't allow yourself to feel just a smidgeon of pride from that, then I just don't know what's wrong with you."

Surprisingly, this time Janna had no prepared lines of self-deprecation.

"You… You really think that?" the old professor asked in hushed astonishment.

"Indeed I do. And I'm not the only one. Aunt Jackie told us almost exactly the same thing when we stayed with her on her island. In spite of everything, she still thinks the world of you. And maybe if you'd stop fixating on things that happened thirty years ago, you'd see what she sees in you."

Once again, Janna had no prepared remark. So instead she just sighed and slumped into her seat.

"You know something, Kid. When I first met your mom, I thought she was a total bimbo." She said after a few moments of silent contemplation. "And for the most part, I was right. Even after we started hanging out I kinda wrote her off as a space case. But every so often, she'd have one of these moments where she'd say or do something that made me think, 'Damn, that little nimrod might actually make a decent Queen one day'. And right now, I'm thinking the same thing about you."

"Um… Thank you, Aunt Janna." The young princess replied politely before adding. "I think."

"Yeah, Yeah. Warm Fuzzies all around." Artemis said dismissively. "So what happens now? We just hang out here on Earth until the end of next month?"

"Nah, you're only staying with me for a couple weeks." The plump professor explained. "After that, you'll be in Typhon until the week of your birthday."

"Typhon?" Artemis repeated confusedly. "What are we going there for? We've already been there over a hundred times to visit our relatives. I thought the whole point of this trip was to give us _new_ perspectives."

At first, Janna just stared at the young Princess like she'd just drooled all over herself. But after a moment or so, realization dawned.

"Oh, that's right. You guys missed the funeral." The plump professor reasoned. "So you didn't get a chance to meet her."

"Meet who?" Artemis asked curiously.

"Well, it's… kinda complicated honestly." Janna admitted. "But the short version is, there was a seventh member of our group."

" _What_?" both princesses exclaimed; gaining the attention of the restaurant's only other patron.

"Jeez-a-loo, keep your voices down, will ya." The old professor chastised them, before resuming her explanation. "Anyway, yes, there was a seventh member of our group. She joined just a few weeks before final exams. And unlike the rest of us, she wasn't a Stand User, but she was a powerful ally nonetheless. Especially during the final battle with Brando."

"And this person, she lives in Typhon now?" asked Marisol politely.

"Yep, after the war and everything she settled down there and made a name for herself."

"Really? Who is she?"

"Oh, I'm sure you've heard of her. She's quite famous in your Dimension. Not just for her own accomplishments. But for being the first Chimera ever born."

Upon hearing this, young Marisol's eyes went wide with both surprise and excitement.

"You… You don't mean…"

"I do." Janna interrupted, a cheeky smirk stretching across her face at the sight of the young princess' expression. "The final member of our group was none other than the Mad Madame herself. Headmistress of Count Orloff's School for the Performing Arts, Cofounder of the Pan-Dimensional War Orphan Relief Foundation, and the greatest playwright in nine dimensions. The one and only, Madame Meteora."

Upon hearing _this_ , Marisol immitted a high-pitched squeal that shattered nearly every glass in the restaurant and caused five dogs across the street to start howling.

"Think they'll add this to our bill?" asked Artemis as she continued to shield her ears against her sister's sonic attack.

"Oh yeah." Janna replied annoyedly. "Old Man Barone's got a real short temper… among other things."

End Notes:

Well, here it is folks.

The end of Part 5.

Normally, I'd just leave you off with a brief teaser regarding the next installment of the series, but this time I have something important I need to say.

I've been righting this story for over seven and a half months.

Normally, writing a story of this length would've taken me about three or four months, but life got in the way and Blah, Blah, Blah. Anyway, what I want to say is… I need a break from this series. And not my usual month long hiatus between installments. I need a long, long break. Like maybe until November or December. I'm sorry if this upsets any of my longtime fans, but it's just how I feel.

Don't worry, I promise I'll get working on Part 6: Mewni's Iron Wall, sometime before the end of this year. But I right now, I just wanna relax and work on other things. Actually, there's this idea I've been kicking around in my head for the last few months that I'm just dying to try and I don't wanna wait another two years to get started.

Anyway, thanks again for all the support and I'll see you when I see you.

Peace.


End file.
